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| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 2:04pm |
How do you do it? LOL. I thought staying at home with my daughter, who is almost 7 months would be a blessing. But I was wrong. She's my pride and joy and I would do anything for her, but it's everyone else that has got me down. Her father, whom I'm still with, helps but doesn't quite understand how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. Last night we were talking and he blew up at me and he said "this is why I don't talk to you anymore". We were talking about how my mother said she'd be there for me when Rachel was born, but everytime I call her (which isn't often) she acts like everything is a burden and immediately tells me no when I ask for help, which I have desperately needed lately.
I just feel like no one understands how hard it is. Rachel's father will watch her for me when I need a break, but the whole time he's holding her, feeding her, or whatever he looks at me with a look on his face that makes me feel like I'm a bad mother for not spendng 24/7 with her. She wakes up at 7am everyday, gets her bath and breakfast, watches a bit of baby einstein and then is ready for her nap. She and I lay down and take a nap together, her dad goes to work at 11:30 and I've got her until 5pm when he gets home. He immediately goes and does something else. He never tries to spend time with us anymore unless I ask, and then he acts like it's a bother. Our relationship, what is left of it, revolves around our daughter. Sometimes I think that's the only reason he's here anymore.
I've given up my friend's to be with him. He hates them all, and the ones I do speak to are afraid to see me because of him.
I have no support and I desperately need it. The only person who knows what I'm going through is my sister, but she lives all the way in hawaii and we don't speak often. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Amanda, mommy to Rachel Avalon 4/28/04

I wish you were not going through this!
In my opinion when it is Dh's turn to have both of your daughter...leave the room. Then he cannot give you those looks. Go read a little of a book, or find a hobby you are interested in. You could even go for a walk or to the gym.
I don't want to hurt your feelings because you came here for support, but it sounds like your marriage might need some help. I am sure you already know this though. Could your Dh and yourself have dates together? Even if it is renting a video and watching it on the couch? Would your mother be willing to watch the baby after she goes to sleep for the night so you and Dh can go out?
My Dh and I even go to little cafe's just for coffee or a beer for an hour. We try not to talk about just the kids so that we can connect with each other. We always try to eat at least one meal together as a family(depending on his hours for that week) we have a great time just talking about our day.
I hope this can help some..and we are here to support you!
Welcome to the board, by the way...I am Traci SAHM/Homeschooling mom of two boys ages seven and three years old. Married for eight years, living happily in Texas.
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I definantely understand what you're going through. My husband acted similar when we had our baby(he is now 26 months), i'm 24.. I breastfed, so i was always feeding the baby, getting up at night with him, etc... One day, i just told my husband that he needs to take part in raising our son and I couldn't do it on my own anymore. And if I told him I needed a break he needed to take over without complaining.
It's a HUGE adjustment to have a baby, and it takes awhile to adjust. I thought we would be totally adjusted after maybe the first 2 months, but NOWAY. My husband and I had NO time to ourselves, I was home all day with a crying baby(augh), it's just stressful with your first. I think when your boyfriend comes home from work, let him wind down for like 15-20 minutes, then I would go something for yourself. Try to explain to him how you're feeling, without getting into a fight, just be sincere and he might relate.
Whether you go shopping, for a drive, or go workout(which is a great stress reliever), go do something because all moms NEED a break! I hope this helped you out, If you have any other questions, I'm here, and hang in there, things will get better :)
katie
I wish your dh would help more with your dd. I don't think it is fair for him to watch her to give you some time to yourself and then make you feel bad about it. Maybe a talk about this is needed and let him know how this makes you feel.
Good luck. And welcome to the board.
Hi there and let me say I am so sorry for you situation but I am fixing to put the honest truth to the test here for you and I am sorry if it sounds harsh..
First things first he needs to realize you didn't conceive that child on your own! If he resents the time he has to spend with her or for that matter NEEDS to spend with her..then honey you don't need him. I have been in your situation and nothing woke my husband up better then leaving him with the kids for a full day. This isn't an easy task raising kids and the first one that tells you its wonderland took a giant tranquilizer and is seeing pink bunnies or has no kids. I recently ran into a similar situation (once again) when my husband acted like our children didn't fit neatly into his schedule at work when one fell sick and the other was already sick. He acted like I was a bother so I turned to my mother in law for help, who acted like I was a bother also, and caused a situation with her and I that I blame Dh for because he put me in the situation of having to ask her for help. My family is like yours..never there when I need them because it isn't neatly worked in to their lives. My first move after things like this is to remind him of what its like not to have me or the two children we have. I do everything by myself completely and ask not for one thing from him. I do this to prove to him that if he doesn't want to take part in raising our children he can see how easy it is to do without him. I told him once when our first years of childrearing were in full effect that I can do this with you or without you but you won't get the best of both worlds. You will not sit there and watch me raise your children while you take the backseat to the responsiblites I face daily. If so then you are no companion or help to me and therefore there is no difference if you are in this house or out of it. And I truly meant it. I would leave him in an instant if it became that the life we made and the children we filled it with were so much of a burden to him..that he chose to ignore his part. And I like you have no friends..well none down the block or anywhere near..that's why as in other threads I found a way to put my kids in daycare one day a week for my break. This is tough stuff raising kids. You need to be at your best game to make the right decisions to shape their lives. And breaks from it are just as helpful to clear your head as it is necessary to wash, cloth, and feed them. I learned this the hard way..I waited till everyday I woke up I dreaded getting out of bed in fear of what the day might hold. But now I wake up and rejoice in my children because while they are away for that one day..I can think back on all the things that have happened and find the message I need to find in it. Even if its the fact my 2 year old likes to decorate his room in poop!
I guess what I need to boil this down to..is its time to have a serious serious chat with him. Tell him how you feel..tell him to try your role out for a day see if he thinks its such a piece of cake served up on a silver platter. I think he will find its taste quite bitter than what he perceived with you. And if this still doesn't work..and this is just my opinion from someone who has been there...its time to cut your losses and roll on out. Get the child support and take your child away from a place where she isn't appreciated for the great gift and challenge she is. I let my husband know that what I expect and what he expects of me.. and if any of us fails to fufill our commitments to each other or our children..one of us is gonna hear about it. Good luck to you...I hope you find the peace of mind and heart in your family life you deserve for your hardwork and dedication to that child. One more thing...there is this rumor that says your first year of marriage is your most challenging and can make or break a marriage..ITS A LIE..The first year of marriage with children is what makes or breaks a marriage..it shows the true characters of the adults that are molded in front of you.
Angelia
Mother of 2 boys
Nursing student for L&D