A new SAHM here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
A new SAHM here
11
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 12:02pm

Hi,
My name is Jennifer and I am a 31 y.o. SAHM with my first and last baby. She is 6 months old. She will be my only as I had major complications in delivery. I am/was a bit sad but I realize she is truly a gift. I wasn't suppose to have children. My husband and I been together for 10 years and he wanted me to be a SAHM. I on the other hand wanted a career and to travel and when I was told I couldn't have kids I focused my life on that. The day I found out I was pregnant; I was in totoal shock and fear, etc. Happiness wasn't a feeling I had. The pregnancy went great until delivery.

Well, needless to say I had to put school, travel, etc on the backburner and I was angry. I really did resent my daughter. Problem after problem came up after having her and I feel burnt out. Well, in the past few weeks I feel that I am bonding to her. It is such a nice feeling. But, I am not fitting into a SAHM role. I have joined a few mom's groups and they were horrible. I am not into the cooking and cleaning, etc. I feel terrible but I don't know how to fit into this new role. I think how my gram raised me and I was so much closer to her than my mom who worked and I want that for my DD. But on the other hand, I feel miserable alot and lonely. Anyone go thru this and how did you make it to the other side?

I want to finish school but don't know if I ever will and that upsets me a bit. I have a beautiful baby who is thriving and a husband who is gold. I have everything anyone would want then why am I feeling like this?

Thanks for listening and I am glad to be here.

Jennifer

Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: aspenice
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:30pm

I understand the feelings you've had, but on the scale you are conveying it sounds like you might have a bit of postpartum depression.

I don't understand why you've got it in your head that you have to put school and travel on the backburner. There's night classes, or you could go back once your darling daughter is in school. And traveling is great for kids, seeing first hand all the neat and interesting and different things of the world. It sounds as though you've been told or lead to believe that being a SAHM is a sentense that must be carried out instead of an experience to be treasured. You'll have a lifetime to once again do things sans kids, because the time will come where your child will view spending time with you akin to torture! lol ;-)

You're not in to the cooking and cleaning? HA! Welcome to the boards you'll fit right in!lol. Though I do like to cook, mostly because I like to eat! And I get an odd June Cleaver-ish satisfaction out of ironing... dang I'm weird. Anyway, I think you'd be hard pressed to find too many who wake up in the morning itching to clean, they're out there though.

But anyways, welcome to the board. I hope to see you at chat, it's Monday at 2pm eastern time and Thursday at 12pm eastern time. Also randomly when one of us is board and sets up a post asking if anyone wants to chat.

Oh, I'm Kate btw, almost 27, two kidlets Caroline who's 5 and Christopher who's 6 months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: aspenice
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:46pm
Hi Kate,
Maybe I am suffering from some depression but when you live life and expect it without children having children comes like a shock. I can't change my feelings and thoughts overnight but I see it happening slowly. I was under the impression from other moms you just fall in love with your baby. That didn't happen to me. I love her so much! I just need some moms to talk with.
Jenn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: aspenice
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:01pm

That's great!!

And you'll find some great women here to talk to and get support from!

You here, click on my post, there's a link to chat.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: aspenice
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 3:12pm
Welcome to the board. Congrats on becoming a sahm.

My name is Mel. I have been a sahm for 5 years to Andrew and Dalton. We also have another son on the way in June. He will be our last child.
Again, welcome and hope to see you at chat on Mondays and Thursdays.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
In reply to: aspenice
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 5:02pm

Hi Jennifer and welcome to the board. I have to be honest and say I don't understand your point of view but I can certainly empathize with you. I am curious though if your husband could stay home instead? I am one of those that believe that A parent should stay home but not necessarily the one born with the ovaries :) If a career is more important to you and having a stay at home parent is more important to your husband than I think it is only fair that he does the staying at home...kwim?


Just know that you may not be a "traditional" kind of mom since you say you don't like cooking ect, but that doesn't mean you are not a GOOD mom~! So she learns cooking somewhere else...no big deal. Teach her what you like instead :)


Traci

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
In reply to: aspenice
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:19am
Welcome and enjoy!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
In reply to: aspenice
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:27am
Welcome Jennifer! (((Hugs))) I think every SAHM feels a little of what you are feeling now and then,hang in there, I have 5 children ages 19 to 12 months. I have seen the rewards of being a SAHM with my oldest son and it has truly paid off to be here for him. Maybe you can find something to do from home that makes you feel a sense of self. I think as time goes by you will find yourself in a comfort zone as a SAHM. Jump right in and be sure to join chat, it helps to have a group to get advice from. these women have helped me immensely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: aspenice
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:04am

(((HUGS))) to you. I actually can relate to what you're going through a little bit. While my first 2 kids were planned very carefully, timed just right, and I got pregnant right on the button when DH & I wanted me to, I was married 5 years before having kids, and with DH more than 10 years alone before having kids. I quit my job when I had my first son. Unlike you, I fell head over heels in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him. Bonding with my babies happened instantly, and was one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had. But having kids after being alone with my DH & in a high-powered career was a big adjustment. I quit my job at that time (Sept 1998) to stay home, as I couldn't face putting my newborn son in childcare.

I had another son in 2001 and we were all finished! Two perfect boys, I was satisfied & happy & that was all I felt I could handle. . . SURPRISE!! In Feb 2003 I discovered I was pregnant again! Fertile Myrtle, we defied the odds. I was deathly ill and felt different. Come to find out at 12 weeks, I was carrying TWINS. Not only a surprise pregnancy, when I was already worried about handling 3 kids, but twins. It was hard for me to accept, and I admit I cried a lot and was terrified. My DH was wonderfully supportive & calming, and was sure we'd be fine, and I felt guilty for my feelings. . . I had a very high risk pregnancy as I went in to premature labor at 24 weeks. I almost lost my girls, and that taught me a lesson: I realized how deeply I already loved them & how desperately I wanted them to make it. I spent the next 9+ weeks on strict bedrest, and gave birth to identical twin baby girls at 33 weeks/2 days. They were in the NICU a month for breathing issues & low birth weight.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I just want you to know that I am not the cooking, cleaning, June Cleaver Mom either!! I hate housework. The only thing I don't mind is doing the laundry, but I hate putting it away. I'm fortunate that my DH helps me out a great deal around the house, or things probably wouldn't get done. I am also not just MOMMY. There is more to me. I'm glad I made the decision almost 8 years ago to stay home, and I love my kids with all my heart, but there are many days I am frustrated beyond words, I do have a sense of envy of my husband's high-powered prestigious career & the intellectual stimulation he receives from it, while I'm home putting barrettes in curls and singing "Twinkle Little Star" and wiping behinds. Between the 2 of us, I actually think my DH would be the better stay-at-home parent--and I'm sure he'd agree to it, but we don't have that option, because I could *never* earn what he makes. His salary is far beyond what I could rake in without a graduate degree (which he has, but I don't).

The only thing I can tell you is hang in there, and you've made the right decision to stay home. As others said, it is not the end of anything, only the beginning. I can vouche for that. You can go back to school. You can travel. And someday you will work again. The important thing is that you're there for your daughter when she needs you most. You're doing a great thing for her, and you're being very self-less. Motherhood beats the selfishness out of us like nothing else ;) Not that you were selfish before, but now you don't even have the option. It will come back to bless you and your family, you'll see.

Good luck & welcome to the board!!

Sofia
--Loving Mommy to Matthew (7), Justin (4), and Tessa & Jenna (2)
--Loving wife to Michael




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
In reply to: aspenice
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:21am

(((hugs))) Jennifer!


I'm Desiree in North Texas, married 11 years to Kyle, and homeschooling mom to Natalie (6), Hannah (3), and Brayden "cute" (10 months).


I can completely understand what you are feeling... only I didn't go through it until my second dd was born. I was resentful of her intruding on my relationship with my oldest, and resentful of the fact that I had to quit school for the second time and put my career plans on hold again. I had always wanted to be a SAHM, but

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
In reply to: aspenice
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:43am

Hi, Jennifer! Welcome to the board! I agree with Kate...it does sound like you have a bit of PPD. Maybe you should talk to your doctor or a counselor to help you deal with these feelings. We'll be here for whatever you need, but we're not licensed counselors.


I have two boys, Aryc is 2 1/2 and Nate is 7 months. I've been a SAHM for 3 years (as of May 1) - and I hate it! I go to bed every night exhausted emotionally but jumpy physically because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. Kids are a work in progress (forever!) and so there never seems to be any tangible evidence of accomplishment for us as parents. At least not until they start school. Mine are far from that, though. I hope I'm not bumming you out more! I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone - there are others that feel the way you do! I really don't know how to get out of it, as I'm still in it. I was just posting about this on another thread... hehehe it'd be nice if our mothers or grandmothers gave us the realistic view of what having kids is like! My mom likes to forget about the bad, and so all I got was "yeah, it's hard sometimes, but you buck up and do it." And that was my explanation of the challenging times of being a mother. Uh, that doesn't cover it, Mom!


Please feel free to post as much as you'd like. You have people here who understand and who have been there. The ladies on this board are so supportive and nice! :) Welcome!!

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