No joint account

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
No joint account
10
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:28pm

Hello ladies,
I need advice.
I am planning to relocate to be with my fiance. He works, I will need time to find a job, which in his area is not easy for someone in my fiend. We are also talking about a baby, so in that case, I won`t be working for some time.

Now, we talked about finances. I asked if we`re going to have a joint account. He doesn`t see the need for it. He says that he`ll just give me money for expenses (food, bills, transportation) in the beginning of the month.

Doesn`t it sound strange ? I`m used to be working and being independant and I`m not used to asking for money, so for me, imagining that I have to ask him for something extra and then wait until he goes to the bank and withdraws money, it would be really uncomfortable.

Any thoughts ?
Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:48pm

Seperate bank accounts when you're just shacking up is a wise idea. However, if you're married, you're supposed to be two becoming one. All moneys are FAMILY moneys, because it all goes to the greater good of the unit. To have one closed off having to ask permission (even if the answer will always be yes) reduces it to two being two, and more specifically, reduces what should be a joint equal partnership down to a parent/child relationship.


I would never marry and produce children with a guy who wouldn't join finances, because it's an attitude, a mindset of seperation that is not indicative to the unity of

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 1:22pm
This is my opinion.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 1:31pm
I'll be honest, I am disturbed at his choice of words "I'll just give you money for expenses at the beginning of the month". I immediately thought of a father daughter relationship where he is giving you your allowance. Nip this in the bud right now. He probably just thinks it would be easier to have separate accounts but try to look down the road: you are married and have a little one. You have already spent what he gave you but you need more for whatever reason. Is he going to just hand it over without giving you grief or is he going to say "You already spent what I gave you so too bad". This would put you guys into a control tug of war. Some guys feel like "I work so I control the cash" and you do not want to be in that situation. My husband and I have had a joint account since we got married and once I became a SAHM I took over the bill paying. We both know what the monthly income is so we both know we can't just go out and buy whatever the heck we want. But we do not discuss with each other every single purchase. We both respect the fact that we need to be tight with the cash all the time. You and your fiance need to come up with a spending allowance for each of you so no one feels like the other is sucking the joint account dry. Or have separate accounts until you officially are married. But convince him that to truly be a team, a joint account with a budget plan is the way to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 1:49pm

I am in that situation and I don't mind it. I have access to our line of credit if I need money for an emergency. DH gives me money when he gets paid on the 15th and the 30th. I have had over spending issues in the past, so this is a good way for me to monitor what I spend. I have an allowance and I am ok with that. Seems many people are not, but it works for us. My husband is the breadwinner (I do work part time 2 nights a week as a volleyball instructor but that is MY money) and he pays all the bills. I do not want that responsibility. If I need extra I ask and I will receive if he has the extra money to give me.

I think you have to do what feels right for you. I do not agree with the others saying how terrible it is. I think it is no different than any other debatable subject like the family bed. It doesn't work for everyone and you have to do what you both are comfortable with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:08pm

It really is up to you and what you are comfortable with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 7:36pm

I think your red flag is that you are uncomfortable. You have to do whatever feels comfortable to you and future dh. However, I would make sure that there was room for negotiations if it's not working.

My dh and I had "seperate" accounts when we first got married (and I was working). We used one account for the bills and the other for savings, food, misc., and play money. It just didn't work for us. So we consolidated after a couple of years and it has worked much better. I think seperate accounts can work but not if it is considered your money/my money and then you come home from working so your money is actually hand-outs from his money.

Also, there are so many issues that many women face when they first become a SAHM if they have previously worked. I didn't think I would have any of them and then there I was right in the middle of questioning self worth and whether or not I had made the right decision or not. Luckily that didn't last long and I am so glad I made the decision 3.5 yrs later but I can promise you I would have had a much harder time if my husband was "giving" me money instead of managing "our" finances.

HTH and good luck!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:17pm

Dylan's father and I have separate accounts...BUT we're both with Bank of America, so you can transfer money online, instantly, with the click of a button.

We both keep our financial independance, but can share funds when needed quite easily.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:20pm

You didn't ask for this, but: I would not relocate without a job or without being married. And I wouldn't marry someone who didn't want a joint account after tying the knot. The "allowance" thing sounds really patronizing to me. Whether you work or not, you're not the little wifey, you're his equal partner.

I'v been a SAHM for 9 years and have never had to ask for money from DH. We both have access to our accounts. I would never make a major purchase without discussing it with him and he wouldn't do so without discussing it with me.

If you don't trust each other with money, how on earth will you trust each other to raise your children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 12:37am

"If you don't trust each other with money, how on earth will you trust each other to raise your children?"


I agree with this poster 100% on this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 9:11am
I don't know what you should do specifically, about joint account or not. It would be a good idea to tell your fiance, about being financially independent, and wanting access to the familly funds, if you are to be married and have a child. Or you can humor him and ask him for money LOL, and he can be the patter famillia, figure. I mean it is what works for each person, as far as the particulars go. I am a firm believer in individual money, also. I feel each person, should have their own money, just in case, as well, as a joint bank acoount for the familly. But, this is the way i am. We have a joint account but, we also, have individual accounts, to do our banking individually. If i don't have enough to cover my end etc... or we buy stuff together, i tell my husband to put money in my account, since he has more than me right now comming in. But, i like my own stuff too, so you can do both. But, having a child together means having a familly and the common welfare of the familly is what is most important, not the individuals in the familly. It requires, alot of discussing in some cases and ironing out. Also, it depends on many things too, like what each person is bringing into the marriage, sometimes one has a lot more, some less, sometimes it is equal. I don't know though, i think the common good of the child should be the primary focus after a child comes into it. I also, would not have a child if i was not legally married, that is me though.
just my two cents
arie