Not sure what do to

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Not sure what do to
9
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:46am

Ok, so this is going to be along one......I have 3 nephews. The oldest is 13, his brother is 11, and then the other (not a brother) will be 11 in December. The 3 boys and my 2 girls ride the same bus home, as they all get dropped at the in-laws and depending on if my 3 yr old is on the bus or not I either meet them at the bus or just hang out at the house for my girls to get there.
Here's a little background on the 13 yr old. He just turned 13 last month. He wants everybody to treat him as if he's an adult but at the same time wants the same treatment as say my 3 yr old. He's got issues. He's 200+ pounds and if you don't let him eat or not let him have as much as he wants he will literally stomp, scream, cry....whatever it takes. He also tends to bully his younger brother who is a stick and maybe 60-70 pounds. He will cry if you don't change the channel on the tv if it's something that "scares him." I've seen him freak out over something on TLC!!!!! He will not stay home alone. He sleeps with teddy bears, lights on, music...you name it. He'll stay at our house and I find that he's gotten a dozen of my girls' teddy bears and literally surrounds himself with them. He, in a lot of ways is more a baby than my 3 yr old. He also does karate....don't ask me why. He's too fat to do most of the stuff. I hate to say that about him but, I've never seen someone live,breath and plan they're day around food. That's why he's not at our house much. He will eat us out of house and home. So, anyway...........
Yesterday as soon as the kids got off the bus his younger brother started teasing him and the first thing he did was thrown down his bag and go after his brother. I told him to stop, pick the bag up and get to the house. The whole 5 minute walk all I did was yell at him to stop bullying his brother. We get to the house and by now I am pissed. He's trying to show his a** again. Yelling at his brother, trying to throw his brother, so on and so forth. So I'm yelling at the 13 yr old to calm down and grow up and I'm yelling at the 11 yr old to stop. The 13 yr old is now in tears, screamimg at me and jumping up and down having a temper tantrum. All the while my other nephew is speechless and my girls don't know what to think. So, he goes on about being teased and blah,blah,blah and then it's "f" this and a few other things and I told him to stop swearing in front of his cousins, one being 3 yrs old. So he proceeds to tell me that I said his friends were on drugs and trouble makers....Those words never came out of my mouth. All the while his brother is in the background being as sarcastic to me as he possible could without crossing the line. I was livid. Now the 13 yr old had tendancy (sp) to push and shove his mother while fighting with her and he was getting pretty close to me and he's got me beat by about 40-50 pounds. He was screamimg and yelling so loud and so much that he was actually getting spit on me...ew, gross!!! This went on for about 10 minutes. I was told to stay at the house (my in-laws are out of town) with the boys until someone got there because the 3 can't be trusted together as the oldest tries to take over and bully the other two. I finally reched my point. I said I was leaving and I didn't care if they killed each other that I did not have to take this from a couple of kids. The 11 yr old is still saying anything and everything he can come up with that's sarcastic, which he is known for. After I walked out of the house the 13 yr old came and slammed the inside door so hard that the outside glass door shook. You could still here him in the house yelling, screamimg, crying. So I tried calling there mom at work but her cell was off so I called their dad just to give a heads up. When I got home I called and left a message at their house for my s-i-l to call me and she never did. I told my hubby(her brother) what happended and he was glad that the next door neighbor heard some of it because the boys are also known to lie to cover their butts.
So, in the meantime....mom nor dad called. My older daughter is supposed to stay over there tomorrow night, we have cancelled that and the boys are no longer welcomed in our home until they both apologize to me. I also, will not do anything for them again. Just the day before yesterday the 11 yr old was here for a couple of hours after school and treated me just fine. I've never had to so much as raise my voice at him.

Should I sit back and see if their parents contact me? Should I try getting ahold of my sil? Should I let it go? My hubby is just as mad about this whole thing as I am. He was even kind of shocked about what happened. I've been pretty close to these 2 boys since I moved here just over 4 yrs ago and we, as a family, are pretty close to their family. Our 3 yr old has been swearing for 2 weeks now and we couldn't figure out where it was coming from....well now we know.
This is my husbands' sister and I don't want to cause any problems here but, I don't know how to handle it from this point on.

Meghan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:19am
I am sorry you had to go through that. It has to be hard to be treated that way by children that are not yours.
I would say not to watch them anymore, they obviously cannot control themselves and are a danger to your children.

I do want to say something about a comment you made. You said " He's too fat to do most of the stuff. I hate to say that about him but, I've never seen someone live,breath and plan they're day around food."
I htink that was a little mean on your part. To call a child "fat" I know he is 13 years old and you did not say it to his face, but it seems that this is being said to him a lot and maybe that is why he acts the way he does. I am not saying he has a right to behave the way he does, but children do get teased and it does something to them. Either makes them shy and feel less of themself or it makes them mean and mad at the world.

I think his parents need to help him with that issue and see if that helps him. His brother could also be the cause of the meaness, seeing he teases him.

Good luck to you all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:40am

Wow, the kids are out of control!

I have sympathy for the 13 yr old. The kid deals with labeling and name calling all day so why is his brother bring that home? Does he deal with that at home too? Karate is a great form of exercise for him too. These kids need some disapline and some good adult role models but it is not your responsiblity. They are family, so what you can help with I am sure will be important but only it your involvement is wanted by your sil.

IMO, I think it is excellent that he and his brother are not welcomed to your home until they apologize to you. They need to show respect to you and your home! They also need to understand that their behavior is unacceptable. I think you should contact your sil and talk about their behavior!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:45am

I realized after writing the fat remark that it is and was wrong. It's just so aggravating to watch this kid killing himself with food. My in-laws pay for his Karate (at the tune of over $400 a yr) and it's so aggravating to watch him undo all the good that Karate can be for him. Physically and mentally. Alot of the problems that these 2 have is that dad is a farmer and is working from 4am until midnight, most nights and mom is too social and far too busy with her friends to worry about her kids. She'd rather let everbody else take care of them. I know this is the root cause of all the issues that the boys have but, I have never, in 30 yrs, treated somebody the way that they treated me yesterday.

As for the two fighting...I have to say that the older one, 9 times out of 10, causes the problems. The younger one is pretty darn mellow until you make him mad.

I totally, 100% agree that they need dicipline and role models but I sometimes wonder, "Is it too late?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 12:26pm
omg Meghan!!!!
ok first of all kudos to you for keeping control of yourself in that situation. My gosh... that is ridiculous!
honestly this scenario sounds a lot like a couple of my brothers... the older one sounds just like my middle brother who was always overweight and insecure with a bad attitude and temper out of control, and the younger sounds like my youngest brother who did everything he could just to annoy him.
Speaking from experience years later, I think my middle brother has a chemical imbalance that affects him in so many ways. Add that to a father who is a workaholic and a mother too involved with her social life, and it makes for a very sad situation. There's still hope if the parents will get their priorities straight and start putting more focus on their kids. Mine didn't unfortunately :o(
I hate to say this sweetie, but it's really not in your hands. If this is your husband's family, he needs to be the one to talk to them about it. He needs to explain to them that it is completely unacceptable for *anyone* to treat his wife that way, and that it will not be tolerated. I don't think you should allow the boys to come to your home until they can apologize and behave appropriately.
It is the parents' responsibility to teach these boys how to behave, and they are obviously screaming out for attention. I don't think you or your dh should tell them how to raise their kids, but you should definitely explain that as long as they behave with such disrespect, they will not be allowed to be around your children.
Huge (((Hugs))) and I pray that this situation gets better for everyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 12:31pm
I think that because he is overwieght, he gets teased alot,which leads to probably alot of anger. I feel sorry that his family is unsupportive. I think it is important that you talk to you SIL, but you have to becareful about how you approch her, you want to discuss the problem, not get into an argument. Cuz arguments, can easily get off topc, and turn into something else. and so on.


Edited 10/19/2006 1:18 pm ET by newmomkp
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 2:25pm

Well as of this afternoon I have not heard a word from the sil. I went by my in-laws (they are out of town) to take the mail in and the front door was locked. They never lock it. So I locked when I left. When I came back home hubby was home for lunch and I asked him what to do.
Should I leave it locked and hope they have a key or let them fend for themselves? Or do I go there before I get my daughter off the bus, unlock the door and then just go back home?
The problem being, and we both know this, that if I don't unlock the door for them regardless if I had knowledge of it being locked or not, then it's all my fault and I'm the bad person. So hubby said to unlock it and let everyone else continue to look like the idiots.
I agree as far as this is his family and he should say something but he won't. He never has, never does and probably never will. He tells me he defends me, "by not speaking to my family." That's not the defense that I'm looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 2:58pm
I totally agree with every word Desiree wrote. Its the parents that need to know whats going on and take charge of thier children, and it should be your dh who talks to his sister about this, and MUST say that he will not tolerate anyone treating his wife and children with that much disprespect. good luck, let us know how it goes.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:01pm
well, if he's not going to talk to his own sister about this, then maybe its best if you dont watch the kids anymore. If sil wonders why her babysitter is suddenly not willing, maybe she'll ask you what the problem is, and you can say "oh didn't my dh talk to you, he was supposed to...anyways, here's the problem..."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:21pm

When it comes to my hubby and his sister, I'm the third wheel. He and his sister are tight. Sometimes to the point of it being a tad-bit disturbing. I whole-heartedly believe that he should be the one to approach this with his sister. As I would if it were my family but he doesn't see things that way. He's not one for a confrontation and even more so when it's his sister.
Today, I went and unlocked the door. Went to the bus stop picked up my one daughter and as I was driving away in one direction the boys were all walking in the other. I think they were expecting me to go to the house because they all watched to see which way I was turning. I went home. Now in a few minutes I have to meet my hubby over there for something and if they're still there I'm not going in and if his sister happens to be there I will make a point of bringing this up in front of hubby and sil. I hate to sound like a victim here but his family has and still does walk all over me. THey've done it for the lasr for years and I'm just about as sick and tired of it as I can get. It's time that I just start pulling and playing the same games on them as they play on me.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meghan