OMG! Went over to the Stay@Home debate..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
OMG! Went over to the Stay@Home debate..
31
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:03pm
I had this theory that I wanted to test out....see how the women responded. I'm going to post it here to see what you all think as well. As you can imagine, it was NOT well received. But, I must say, I've been in some heated discussions on this board and the women here are NOTHING like the ones that you come across on that board. Good god! What a scary bunch! And let me say, they sure have a lot of free time at work to post online! Ha ha!

Here's theory: Seriously, let me know if you think I'm nuts. It's just a thought.




So, I've been thinking about things lately...what's in the news, in magazines and books. Seems to be a connection here and if you will bear with me, maybe you'll agree, maybe you'll want to lynch me.

In the news:

1. America is FAT and getting FATTER, especially the kids.

What's to blame? Fast food and lack of exercise and too much tv.

2. Kids are misbehaving and out of control.

What's to blame? Lack of parental follow-through.

3. Teenagers smoking and having sex.

What's to blame? Lack of education.

4. Divorce rates constantly growing.

What's to blame? Couples "growing apart".

5. Stress is the #1 killer

What's to blame? Work, long commutes, kids and tv news

I guess you know where I am going with this, but if not, I can tell you what's to blame.

The lack of stay-at-home parenting.

Now hold on before you blow your top, let me explain.

1. FAT kids- hmmmmm...not too much of a leap here. Mom comes home harried from work. No time for making a healthy dinner! Let's get pizza. Or MacDonalds. Or Taco Bell. You get the point. Then the whole family eats (late, in front of the tv) and goes to bed. There was no time for exercise because kids were in latch-key (or just home alone snacking, like I did) and mom and dad spent the day working, picking up/dropping off and doing errands. If a parent is at home, there's a better chance that they will have the time to make a decent (i.e. healthy) meal. Also, there's less disposable income for meals out.

2. Out-of-control kids. Everyone knows a few of them, maybe more than a few. They don't listen to their parents, teachers or relatives. They yell "no", have tantrums, etc. Why? Working parents don't want to spend the 2-3 hours a day that they have with the child on discipline. Who would? So, instead of suffering any consequences, the child hears an endless series of "One...two...three..." without punishment. Yep. Disobedient kids needs discipline. It's hard work. Working parents don't want more work. They want nice nights at home with the family. At-home parents have the time and focus on the follow-through. Otherwise, the days alone with the kids would be hell without the structure.

3. Teenagers. This is the tough one. Even well-intentioned stay-at-home parents figure that once the kids are teens that it's time to "get their lives back" and start careers again. The kids have been raised right and they are old enough to stay home alone, right? Well, they are old enough to figure out how to sneak their boyfriends and girlfriends over, how to break into mom and dad's liquor cabinet, how to sneak smokes in the woods. Also, kids are going to break curfew and get into trouble. Who is going to be there to follow-through with the grounding of the child? Do you think that "no more phone", "no more tv" works when no one is there?

4. Divorce. No one should stay in an unhappy marriage. But why are all these marriages unhappy? Didn't you love each other enough at one time to get married and have kids? What happened? Well, even the working moms will agree with me on this point. Working moms end up doing EVERYTHING. You hear it all the time. They have to be the superwoman. They clean, they make and keep doc appts, shuttle the kids around everywhere. Do the laundry, grocery shopping, dusting. The resentment builds and builds. Then, one day it dawns on them. "I am doing this on my own anyway. Why don't I just have one less kid." Then, the husband's gone. Or, the husband had an affair (I was tempted to say husband OR wife has an affair, but you all know that it's the husband) because the wife never has energy for sex. Or has so much pent-up resentment that sleeping with her husband is the last thing on her mind at the end of the night.

Do stay-at-home parents have perfect marriages? Heck no! But I think that the initial involvement and committment to the family helps.

5. Stress. It's out of control, isn't it? All you hear: "Need more time, not enough hours in the day, 'How To Get the Most Out of Ten Minutes'". Working parents can't decompress and the kids feel it. The endless-motion-machine. The news tells you again and again how stressed you are.

This is what I posted (like a lunatic) on a debate board. Not one person even thought for a second that my theory could be possible. What do you all think?

Again, this is a theory, not a way of life or an accusation. Just some thoughts all came together one day and I thought, "well, maybe that's why...."

Thanks, Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:24pm
at my dd's jr high we have been trying all year to get a school/community organization 9equvilent to an elementary pta) up and running - we have had meetings every month and the most parents we have had at any meeting is about 7 - and they are split between sah/woh.

Jennie
Avatar for cghnasa
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:03pm
comming out of lerkdom ,ok I am going to state my opinion very carefully.

my mom had to work when I was a child she was a single mom, and I turned out fine. we had a lot of family support from my grandparents. but thats not the point the point is that I was in daycare etc and turned out fine. as far as fat kids I do agree it is diet and lack of exercise , I mean everything we eat is dripping in grease. but I have also seen fat kids that were vegitarian (weird but true) and that was genes.

out of control kids, PLEASE do not lump all out of control kids in one big lump. there is a small precentage of kids that are what is called "spirited" and I have one , and let me just say spirited is the nice way to put it. spirited kids are super sensitive to everything. and they have little to no impulse control. please dont judge those parents whos kids are throwing a tantrum in the store or the one that cant sit still at the resturant table too harsly,the child might not be able to control what ticks them off, and believe me normal disapline dosnt work for them!! LOL my little sister that is now 14 is spirited and she still has some problems she grew up with people telling her that she was satan and that they hate her , she still hears it . because she has problem controling her impulses. when is the weather going to give in and let me take mine out side so she can burn off some of this excess of everything !

divorce and cheating, I have a SAHM friend whos husband cheated on her while he was on a business trip.

ok stress, I've nevr been so stressed as now as a SAHM. and I was in the Army! granted it is a completely differant kind of stress but boot camp is nothing to being a SAHM LOL.

Beth

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:12pm
AMEN!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:39pm
Why the need to state it carefully? Just state it like it is! The fact is that some SAHM's can pat themselves on the back and think that they are saving the world by staying at home; however the fact remains that the parents who are making a difference are the one's that remain committed to being an involved parent. And that had nothing to do with work status!

Sun n Sand (SAHM to 4yo ds who is highly annoyed at smug SAHM's who think they are the only ones raising their kids properly)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:21pm
Thanks again for all of your imput.

A couple of things. The theory was just a thought that I had one day, talking with my husband, brother and childless sisters-in-law. But, I find it so interesting that we are so politically correct these days that phrases like "committment to parenting" mean something. What does that mean, really?

Does dropping an 8 week old at day care show a committment to parenting? Conversely, does skipping meetings, leaving work early to pick up the kids and not being able to work as hard due to exhaustion show a committment to the job? I find it hard to believe that a working parent has 100% committment in either arena.

You hear it again and again in Hollywood, sports, and politics. The people get where they are because of 100% committment. You have to be single minded in your pursuit to achieve great success. Tiger Woods was applauded when he said that he wasn't dating (a few years ago, I realize that he has gotten engaged since) to concentrate solely on golf. Why can't parenting be viewed the same way?

I have strong beliefs. Am I a perfect mom? Heck no! Do I feel that I am giving it my all? Yes. I think that we are making a mistake these days to always say, "well, that's their choice...." There is a way to attempt to give 100%. I believe that a parent who stays at home is on that path. I've wanted to do my best at every job I've ever had. I don't intend to treat parenting any differently.

I completely understand that my feelings make people want to throw me under a bus. Why do you think that no one has opinions anymore? Saying, "everyone can do what they want" is not an opinion. Like the poster who felt she had to "choose her words carefully". She didn't want to get thrown under the bus. I've been thrown under and run over, but I still stand by my choice. Do I believe every word of my theory? Hmmmmm....as I stated, it's a theory. I'm sure that there are plenty of other contributing factors. Of course there are. BUT: Having a parent in the home for QUANITY time beats a couple of hours of QUALITY time hands down.

Thanks for all the imput. I really mean it. It's interesting to see how people feel on all sides of the fence. It's sad that I'm viewed as "smug", but I must say that I viewed the working moms as "smug" and self-rightous on the other board.

Thanks,

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:31pm
I've been avoiding this thread like the plague. I finally read every post. What I want to know is why someone cares whether someone works or not so much that they have a board just to spend the time they should be spending with their kids complaining about it. I don't care if you are SAH WOH or blue with purple spots just take care of your kids the best you can. Tell them you love them every day and pray for the best.

Sorry after reading that SAHM's have money to sit at the drive up at McDonald's I'm a little pissy.

Jen (taking it one day at a time, doing the best I can SAHM)

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:32pm
Well said,Melissa!I don't see how people can think they are great parents when their child sees the daycare workers more then they do their own parents!Of course I really don't care what other people think,I know that I am here all day,giving my son all the love,and care that he needs.I am a very happy SAHM!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:55pm
what exactly is a great parent - is a parent who directy engages their child for 5-6 hours every day, coaches their sports teams, volunteers in their classrooms, what about provides them with unconditional love and security, a safe place to live, a quality education, disciplines with love, makes sure they know they have a safe place to always return to where they will always be met with acceptance and love - see those are the things that make a great parent to me - its amazing my dh is able to do all that and still work outside the home. i wonder, does you dh know you dont think he is a great parent.

Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:09pm
juzst because you dont agree with them doesnt mean others dont have opinions - i have severall opinions all of which i shared. and i certainly wouldnt want to throw you or anyone else under a bus but i would be curious to know a couple of things: if your theories are so right on how do you explain the fact that all the issues you sited cross the sah/woh line - you would think that if all it took to be a great mom was to sah then you wouldnt see the huge numbers of wonderful kids who have wohm and the equally huge number of kids who for lack of a better word are holy terrors. also how is it that dads are able to be great, committed parents and woh while moms are not - unless you are saying that the husbands of sahm's are not great committed parents either.

are you really implying that we as people are only able to do one thing at a time if we want to do it well? i know as a sahm i still have a million and one other things that i am responsible for other than parenting and somehow i manage to give my best to all of them. am i perfect, of course not - wouldnt want to be - but i am able to be a parent and have additional roles and succeed and excel at all of them.

as to wohm only having a couple of hours of quality time - while i am sure there are some that do, that is far from what i see from my wohm friends and it certaunly isnt what i see from my dh.

Jennie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:25pm
You forget, I am not on the otherside of the fence. I am a SAHM just like you.

Where we differ is that I realize that all those judgements, ahem, I mean theories, that you are talking about work for BOTH SAH & WOH. So, therefore, it's not the working status, but the quality and commitment to parenting. Please site any reseach that correlates fat, rude, oral sex having kids with parents who soley WOH and then we can talk. Until then your theory is nothing but WISHFUL THINKING.

The only reason you are viewed as smug in my book is because you are throwing out a "theory" with absolutely no proof what so ever that it is even remotely true. I see this all the time with SAH pouncing on WOH moms when their own kids (SAH) are certified brats. I laugh because my child isn't polite, fit, enriched and secure because I stay at home. It's because I am a good parent. If I had to go to work tomorrow none of that would change.