OT I'm stuck between a rock & hard place
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| Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:15am |
We live on the ground floor of our best friends house, and have for 3 years now. My best friend is marrying dh's best friend in about 3 weeks. (I mentioned having to throw a last minute stagette party last week)
Anyways, dh and his best friend (dh is the best man and I am the matron of honor) got in a huge fight. To make matters worse, the groom to be is also dh's boss at work. Anyways, it has been a nightmare here all week, we have changed the possesion date on the house we bought and are trying to get in asap, to get out of here. The groom to be, was so mad a few days ago, he said alot of VERY hurtful things, and even went so far as to say that he doesn't want my dh to be best man.
My girlfriend & I talked, and both think things will cool off. This is soooooo unlike them. There were very hurtful things said. I don't know how any of them could get over it in 3 weeks time. They talked on Sunday night, and it was ok. Today they talked at work, and it was ok. But I just wonder, if he doesn't want dh to be best man, how can I stand up for my friend and be her matron of honor???? That seems hypocritical to me... if dh isn't wanted or welcomed to a part of it, because of a stupid fight, I feel I should stand by my dh...I married him, not her. What do I do???? What would you do??? Am I not thinking straight? Be honest, and give me advise please.

(((Hugs))) to you. That sounds like a really tough situation. In my opinion you do need to take a stand with your Dh if that is what happens, but you will have to be prepared that it could mean the end of your friendship.
Your friend might not be able to get over it. It would be a rare friend who would!
I do know that men CAN get over hurtful situations like these a lot easier than most women. Men are not usually as emotional and can bounce back into their roles very quickly.
I hope everything goes well! Take care of yourself and try not to stress yourself out!
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I tink either way, you might hurt someones feelings.
I think you should do what you think would be best in the long run.
You have to live with your husband , not your friend. Have you asked him what he would want you to do? He might not mind you being in it even though he might not be.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
I hope things get better for you all.
Anyway, if this is so unlike them, maybe you should cut him some slack! MAybe this is pre-wedding jitters, and instead of picking a fight with his fiancee, he picked it with HIS best friend...
I have to disagree with you...
Yes you could be right that he picked a fight with his friend because of wedding jitters. But it sounds as if he lives with his fiance so that adds a whole other element. Most people that live together have already established routines and
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Paige
Why do you feel like your loyalties to dh and bf are at odds? From what you have written in your post, I don't get that. I get that the groom has been a super jerk and that things are very uncomfortable, but you and your friend are still talking and seem to be on okay terms. Is your dh saying (or indirectly implying) that he will consider your participation to be unsupportive of him or a betrayal of him?
Big picture, I agree with Mel, you have to take the long view and weigh the consequences of your actions for everyone -- dh, bf and, not least, you. I wouldn't be inclined to *disregard* dh's feelings ... but I'm not sure that punishing your friend with an untimely withdrawl (as geia25 and jhmom already suggested) for something she didn't do is what is required of you in order to be 'loyal' to dh. Somthing along the lines of two wrongs don't make a right ... and you can only control your own behavior, so look for the high road. Put yourself in your girlfriend's place and consider how you might feel if you were the bride ... and appeal to your husband to understand the awkward position that you are in. Make it clear that you support him *unconditionally* and you think that the treament he has received is totally unacceptable ... but that you are not in the wedding to support Mr. Bad-Tempered-Groom, you are there for *your* friend. DH and the groom are big boys -- they got into a bit of mess and they can work it out without taking hostages, IMHO. It's the difference between a fender-bender and a 12-car-pile-up. What's required here is not more fuel for the flames. It's a bit of reason, even if it will be unpleasant for you and dh to endure this occasion apart. Do you automatically lose your best friend because dh and his mate got off track... That ain't right. ... passions get the better of all of us. What you need to discern is the big picture.
If your best friend *is* marrying someone who turns hurtful and vicious when things don't go his way, she may need you down the line ... big time.
Now if you tell me that this incident has given you new insight into the groom' character that makes you think your friend is making a terrible mistake in commiting to him because he has an abusive personality ... I dunno ... *maybe* that calls for you to opt out ... but my take would probably be that you can't tell your friend what to do, you can only call it like you see it (if you think she might hear you) and stand by ...
*OR* !!! if you think you might cause a scene !!!! at the wedding because the groom can't be civil to you or vice versa ... I might point that out to the bride and ask her to help you decide how best to proceed.
If you *DO* go to the wedding (and if DH doesn't attend at all -- even as your guest), that will be a drag. But you don't have to dance and yuck it up with the groom and be friendly with him. I think you have a range of 'loyal to DH' options for handling the groom -- from a reserved "they're big boys and I don't like the way the groom has treated dh, but it's for them to settle" to the Grin-And-Be-There-For-Your-Friend-And-Avoid-The Groom-Middle-Road tack to the ultra-frosty but non-confrontational(!) "the groom better steer clear of me because I don't take kindly to people who mess with my loved ones it's a good thing I love my friend ..." pose.
I guess the bottom line is ... what do you see for the future of this friendship/these relationships? Do you really believe dh and the groom can work it out, given time? Do you want to keep your friend, even if the boys can't work it out?
Any chance you two women, cave-girl-style, could bring the two men together and make them have-it-out/work it-out ... put you feet down and force them to be mature and roll back the cloud they are putting on this impending "happy" occasion? Who needs more stress before a wedding?
Good Luck!
Edited to say that as I saw your title again it occured to me that sometimes when the 'rock' is a loved one and the 'hard place' is another loved one, we allow ourselves to be 'caught' ... trying to saw the proverbial baby in half is a lose/lose proposition. Let each own their own issues and do right by your own conscience.
Edited 8/31/2004 4:49 pm ET ET by donachiara
Edited 8/31/2004 5:02 pm ET ET by donachiara
Edited 8/31/2004 6:25 pm ET ET by donachiara