parenting styles for 'good' kids?
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| Sat, 11-06-2004 - 9:28pm |
people say it's up to how the parent raises the child- but i see kind, involved, principled people whose children are very difficult.
Is there a parenting style you have found that you like?
some children seem like teenagers when they're only like 7 or 8.
demanding that they get to buy things, back-talking, demanding to use the cell phone, etc.
in a store today a girl of about 7 was saying: "I'M going to buy these outfits!"
Would it make a difference if her mother said: "you're 7, you don't have a job nor do you have your own money-- so YOU don't actually buy anything.. I choose to buy you things when you need them or ocassionally as a special treat to you."
what if all the best efforts still land one w/ a bratty child?
i'd be so saddened by that. i don't want a contentious mother-daughter relationship like i see w/ some families.
if my little girl sees me get my hair done or sees me buy something- could she become materialistic? am i supposed to leave her w/ a sitter if i go shopping so she doesn't get all emotional about buying things?
thx for any advice! Jen

The difference is not the children, per se, it is the way my hubby and I raise my son.
We admittedly are hard on our son. And we are told all the time how wonderful our child is. The same parents who have terrors tell us how great our son behaves and then they wonder (out loud) how come their child isn't as well behaved.
The reason is that we don't let our son get away with stuff he shouldn't. Now, at 4 he is pretty well behaved without us constantly on him, but lemme tell you, when he was younger, it was hard. We left places if he threw a fit and went straight home to his room. Period. I can't tell you how embarassing it is when you leave a store with a screaming child, but it worked. I can take him anywhere now. We use the number thing, 1..2..3, and if he doesn't do what we wanted by three, he gets punished.
I don't say yes to everything and he understands. He may ask 10 times, but he gets the hint...he is 4 so we give leeway. I take him shopping with me when I get things and he doesn't, it is a part of life.
My point is that it isn't the child, but it is the parent.
I can vividly remember DH and I going to the newborn nursery to check her out and there wasn't anyone in the bassinet they brought over. They then found her in the swing. After taking her home, we called desperate because we had a screaming baby that would not be calmed. They suggested the swing and it worked and I didn't think much about it. 5 years later, DS is born in the same hospital-I say something about the swing and nurse tells me with a disapproving glance that they only use the swing for difficult children. Yup-just a few hours old and my child was already identified as difficult.
I've read many, many parenting books, I enrolled in Parents as Teachers and followed much of their advice, I've attended seminars on parenting and both of parents are teachers including stints as teachers of kids with behavioral problems. Currently, DD is in play therapy for being toilet-training resistant. At the end of the day, she's pretty strong-willed and I would not consider her a model of behavior. I've rethought my position and now think it's a combination of parenting style and child's temperament plus a little bit of what's happening around you.
I also think that every child has strengths and weaknesses and their behavior may appear differently viewed through that lens. For example, when Natalya was 3 she misbehaved. I told her she would lose a toy unless she did whatever. Well, after losing most of her toys, books before bedtime, Tv, movies, playing outside and pretty much any other privilege you can name she looked up at me and calmly announced that she would just sing to herself and did so. I've also tried removing her from stores if she has a temper tantrum, usually she had the tantrum because she didn't want to be there so it wasn't effective for us because she got her goal. I could look at this as an utter weakness, she didn't mind, doesn't respond well to punishment, etc. I've also tried reward systems (stars, etc.) and that didn't go well either. Instead I try to remind myself of the positive aspect that she's excellent at keeping herself entertained, has a great imagination and how many 3 year olds do I know that can write funny versions of all the songs they know? She's 5 now and getting things under control but it's still very, very trying and we have battles over lots of silly things.
My guess is that every child has some situation where they aren't well-behaved. For some that might be church, for some shopping, for some playdates and that as a parent you learn how to adjust to that situation. I consider Natalya pretty poorly behaved but really the issue is that when she is punished instead of just doing the time out and getting it over with she turns into a screaming, hitting, kicking mess who will yank off my glasses and throw them or whatever else she considers effective.
I also think different children have different stages. My mom tells me frequently that my DD is just like I was at that age but my parents just stuck to it and I was a really well-behaved teenager. I hold that out as a model of hope.
Taleyna
Thanks for your post- it was really helpful.
I have a question though-- what does one do if one's child starts trying to hit its mom when being given limits?
GEEZ! I hadn't even thought of that one & haven't seen it in my parenting books yet.
That's a tough one.
Do you throw her in her room & let her out when she's 10? Guess that's supposed to be not the right thing either? LOL.
Seriously, have you asked around about what to do if your child tries to slap you?
I'd be totally thrown. What on earth?! I can see later when the child is a teenager- then, they have lots of anger & angst. but as a child i wasn't expecting that level of feisty.
Honestly, I'd be tempted to discover how one spanks a child (I wasn't spanked so I dont' know- but I think in that situation I may suddenly discover it). Oprah would be so miffed! & maybe spanking doesn't work for strong-willed kids any way?
Have you seen anything work w/ you DD?
I know if I teach him right from wrong and the right way to act, then we are on to a good start. If there is ever a time he does become a terror, we will deal with it.
I don't let other peoples problems with their kids effect how I think about mine.
I know this was not supposed to be funny..lol. But it sure gave me a giggle.
My 7 year old was a perfect angel! I remember when he was three we would go out to eat and people would walk up to us and tell us that they had never seen a more well behaved child. We took him to the movies, concerts, poetry readings, libraries....he never ever made a fuss.
Four years later I get pregnant with my little one. From the time I was 3 months pregnant and felt him kick looooong before I was supposed to, I knew something was different. I was hyper aware of him in the womb. I swear I KNEW when he was awake! LOL.
Nick was born during my second c-section with the doctor literally on the surgery table pulling him out..guess he wasn't ready! lol He was a little stinker I swear the second he was born. He screamed...not cried bloody murder and was very demanding.
My poor baby had colic from the first day he was born. I also noticed he seemed to have allergies...he had a runny nose that first day.
The first night we took him home, he had my Dh and I both in tears. We could not figure out why
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Judge me if you will but we do spank IF the situation has a safety issue or is a costant reoccuring offense since Megan has no fears and is always up to something that could kill her or doesn't care lat she has told 100 times to stop doing something. Timeouts and taking away privelege have never worked She once threww all her toys in the trash herself when told if she didn't share I would take them away (She was hitting her brother for watching her play) and we saw spanking as our last option at getting though to her (after much soul searching and endless talks with her ped.)Now spanking only worked for a very short time and only if followed up by some other form of displine.
Now that she is older we don't tell her what to do but we ask her if she can and everything is on a schedule where she knows what is going on (homework, meals, clean up time, etc.)
We also give a choice on just about everything, we haven't found a situation yet that a choice doesn't work.
anyways I apologize for such a long post. I just wanted you to know there are some more of us out here at our wits .
Amber
I just saw a lady in the store with her kid screaming the whole way out while she held onto him.
I noticed tons of people looking at her like she was a witch, but they must not have kids or theirs are angels.