PLEASE help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
PLEASE help me!
27
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:57pm

Help me please... I need advice, a hug, something.

My son is 2 months old and I can't take it anymore. I am a stay at home and I am not liking it. Well, sometimes I do, but most of the time I am not happy.

I wanted to stay at home with him b/c I myself was in daycare ALL the time during my childhood and had a bad experience which i won't get into now - long story.
I also pump my breastmilk and feed baby by a bottle so the pumping takes about 3 1/2 hours out of my day - I feel like I can get nothing done b/c I am stuck to the pump - I am currently pumping with the use of a hands free bra so I can at least type on the computer while pumping. i wanted to give son breastmilk b/c I know its the best but sometimes it seems SO much time is dedicated to the pumping, Sometimes he's in his crib, taking a nap, and I am pumping, and he starts crying - well he is in another room so I just let him cry for the 20-30 mins. & I feel awful but if I dont just levae him I will never get things done.

My son was not planned.. and I feel like stupid for getting pregnant - it's a long story as to why I thought I coudlnt get pregnant and why we weren't as careful as we should have been. At 1st I was happy with the idea of a baby - even though I wanted to wait 2 or 3 more years for kids... I am 23, just graduated from college with my bachelors - so the timing was ok but I really wanted more time with my husband, you know.
So we got married very quickly b/c I was pregnant - we were going to get married a year from the time we actually did. I moved in with husband and he has been great - he does help but I am still not happy.

I truly people some women are not meant to be mothers -- and if I feel that way, what can I do??? I can stuck with him. And there's nothing I can do.

I have never babysit before, I was never a kid person, but everyone told me "oh your maternal instinct will kick in when it's your own"

well what if it doesn't?????

I have no relatives who can help me - they all live out of town... I have no friends that can help me -- they all work during the day and the one friend my age that has kids - works all the time and her kids are always sick so I dont wanna hang out with her too much b/c I dont want my son sick too.

I know some people are going to reply back that I should go to a doctor and get put on antidepressants but MY real question is:
aren't there just some women out there that aren't meant to be mothers?
and what do these women do once they realize they aren't meant to do this job?

I feel being a mom is the hardest job in the world and i am not cut out for it.

please any help would be appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 2:21pm

Hello -

I have to go pick up my oldest son at school in just a few minutes, so I can't type much, but I just wanted to say - PLEASE hang in there. You are in a very tough time - your hormones are raging, you're tired, and your dealing with a whole new lifestyle - it's a tremendous adjustment and is difficult even under the best conditions. This does not mean that you will not be a wonderful mom, so try not to be so hard on yourself. And yes, I am sure that there are women out there who just should not be moms, but it's too early right now for you to decide if you are one of them or not! I had similar feelings when I had my second child - having one baby was great, but having two to take care of was so overwhelming that I thought I had made a huge mistake. It took me a YEAR to feel like I finally had my head above water, and now I have three kids!

I have to go now and I will write more later, but please just try to give yourself a break in the meantime! And get some rest! Good luck!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:01pm

Hi and (hugs)


I too never babysat or was a kid person. I almost had my tubes tied at 23 because I did not want kids, and now we are ttc#2. I was so freaked out the first few months. I don't have family or friends in the area either so that does make it very hard.


Would you be able to take off for a couple weeks and go visit your family. I spent 3 weeks with mine when Maggie was 6 weeks old. Dh only took 1 day off from work after she was born so I had no help. After 7 months I put Maggie in a home daycare 2 days a week to help with my sanity. These boards have been a huge help to me also.


Where do you live at? Maybe we can help you find a mothers group or something.


hang in there


Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:02pm
Wow. I'm so sorry u are feeling this way. You're right, I was going to say I think ur experiencing PPD and should go to the doc for help. My friend was 19, her boyfriend had just joined the military, and she got preg. She was sooooo not ready, the ironoc thing one mo earlier our other pal had given birth and as Becky held him she said she wasn't cut out to be a mom and if she did have a baby it would be like 10 yrs later. Ha, try 1 mo later! I don't know if u believe in God, but I do and I think everything happens for a reason! Becky had a MISERABLE pregnancy(without spousal help!) and then bad PPD. After she got on med. for it she started feeling better and enjoying things a little more each day. Now, he just turned 2 in Dec. and she couldn't imagine life without him. She agrees that though it may be the wrong time every thing happens for a reason. Also, if breastfeeding is causing that much stress start giving formula in addition to ur breast milk. That's what I had to do with my 2nd daughter. She was 3 mos. and hungry ALL the time and I had a 2 yr old who still needed my attention. I hope some of this has helped in some small way. If u ever want to talk more u can email me: momofcuties@yahoo.com I know how hard it is to be a mom!!!!


Edited 1/5/2005 3:04 pm ET ET by amber388
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:20pm
Ok so I am not gonna tell you to go and get an antidepressant. Really there is a difference between adjustment and depression. First lets start with the generalzied statement of I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH!!! I wa 23 and brand newly married and brand newly out of college when I had my twins!!! Age 3 now. I was am a very social person, I like going out, I liked freedom and I was really looking forward to babies. It all came crashing down. I was stuck to the house literally. My husband was great but I would get mad just because he "got to go to work". They kept crying, they were always hungry and I didn't like the whole mother thing either. But lets get this straight, I don't think that anyone realizes how much the "won't like it" when their babies come. Unless your rich and can hire a personal nanny!!!!. LOL. DOn't feel bad about letting him cry!!! Really. Sometimes things need to get done AND it isn't bad for them. It is OK for them to be safe and unhappy at the same time and you don't have to do anything about it!!!!!. Don't worry about your "mothering instincts" the fact that he is fed, and healthy and well taken care of means your mothering instincts have already kicked in. Just because you are struggling a little, like all mothers, with emotions and stress and handling all the new stuff with noone around is normal!!! I know where you are coming from with no help thing to. Everyone always told me "get out, have some fun do something" and all I could think was YEAH WHAT CAN I DO. No mothers, sisters, family or friends who wanted to babysit and no money to pay someone!!. Really, help, I am thinking would have been the key to a nice transistion but I guess we have to do with what we have. I don't know about your money sitation but is there a YMCA or something similar you can join. Sometimes they do things like watch them for up to 2 hours while you swim or workout or something? Look at the advertisements at the local walmart of kmart or supermarket for ads from local womens moms clubs and stuff. Sounds really lame but sometimes you can find some nice people to talk to. Babies can be so overwhelming especially with the first because you have expectations about what it is supposed to be like and when you find yourself unhappy you blame yourself for not being a good mom. Every stay at home mom i have talked said it was hell, they barley survived and if it wasn't for friends, liquor or other such things they never would have made it. Don't try to do it all, get real and let yourself realize how obnoxious the whole thing is and yet still be glad your doing it. It's OK. Hey I could say it gets better when they get older, and it does on some things but others get harder. I guess it is just different. Chin up girl, let the kid cry. Oh and another thing. Breast milk smeast milk!!! My kids did formula and rice cereal at age 2 months and it was the only thing that made them sleep for any length of time. Sure it might have advantages but imagine what kind of stuff your putting in your breast milk with the stress and all of that your going through. I am sure you haven't had a chance to eat good either and that isn't good for the milk. Go to formula girl, mix enough bottles for the whole day, keep them in the fridge and microwave them!!! Trust me it is Ok to do it. THen don't worry about cleaning up, laundry or dishes or that crap except once a day OK. let me know if any of this helps OK!!!
Jeannette
A very sympathetic soul who knows minute for minute what your going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:10pm
I know how you feel right now. When I had my first child 2 years ago, I felt the same way. I was so overwhelemed the first 3 months I thought I had made a mistake. I was breastfeeding and she wanted to eat every 2 hours and she cried in between her feedings, I though I was gonna go crazy. I didn't have any family around to help out either. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom but once I got there I wasn't so sure. I'm still at home with my little girl who is just over 2 and I have a new 2 month old little girl. My advice is stick in there it gets much better. The first 3 or 4 months are kind of crazy especially with your first one. Pretty soon you'll get into a routine and everything will seem a little easier. Give yourself a few more months and if you need to, like the other woman suggested find a daycare or someone that can watch your baby 1 or 2 days a week. So you can have a break. Hope this helps.
Avatar for jennyberm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:44pm

{{hugs}} The first thing I want to know is why are you pumping when you are staying at home? Breastfeeding is a pretty big time commitment in itself and pumping takes double the time and double the work. It's hard and most women who pump at work becuase they have to end up giving it up or supplementing at the very least. Why put yourself through that when you don't have to? Personally, I say if you are not willing to let your son latch on to you, you might want to consider switching to formula. If you are committed to breastfeeding though, I would really recommend giving up the pump. There is no better way to fall in love with your child than to just sit there and watch them while they nurse. Seriously, it's like nothing on Earth and I think you are really missing out. On the practical side of things you are just doubling the time spent by pumping and then feeding.

Aside from that, it takes time to get used to staying at home. When I was first married, I had a consulting job where I only worked two days a week. That sudden switch to all that free time is a serious shock to the system. I became very depressed and it took a long time to adjust and I didn't even have an unplanned pregnancy to deal with. By the time I became pregnant, I was comfortable with my at home status so that made the adjustment easier. Give yourself some time to adjust. Seriously, it takes about a year for most people to really feel like they have their heads above water with a child. My second is almost 18 months and I STILL don't feel like I'm back on my feet yet. I'm just starting to get my life organized again. Parenting is hard, but the rewards are unlimited.

Good luck and I don't think you necessarily need antidepressants. I think you just need to give yourself a break. You'll be a fine mother.

Jenny

Proud Mommy to Cameron (8/4/01) and

Cassia (7/15/03)



*HUGS* TOTAL! give jennyberm more *HUGS*
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 5:08pm

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I hate to say this, but it sounds like you're right on track. I think most of us feel this way until at least 5-6 months into it. I remember w/ my daughter I felt like I was living someone else's life until she was 5 months old. Then, it took 9 months before I felt physically like myself again - I was slowing down nursing, slimming down again. Of course, I found I was pregnant again one month later, but that's another story!

Try and be good to yourself during this strange and difficult time. What do you like to do? How about getting a new haircut or getting a manicure? What about taking 2 hours to watch a good movie? Do you know anyone who is a teacher or has highschool kids? They should be able to recommend a babysitter for an hour so you and your husband can get something quick to eat or get a coffee or something.

Also, I understand about pumping - I had a friend who had to do the same thing, and it tired her out!! She ended up switching to formula, but not after a solid 3 months of pumping. Her baby is doing just fine! Hang on to pumping as long as you can, but maybe think about supplementing one bottle a day, and realize that he's going to be just fine. One bottle a day out of 10-12 won't affect him in the least! How about having your dh give him a bottle at night to give you a break? How about going out w/ friends once a week and having dh watch him? Anyway, I would just try and find some time for you - you didn't change who you are once you had him, so don't ignore yourself - give yourself some fun time.

Well, I hope this helps you a little. Remember, you're not alone!!

Good luck,
Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 6:31pm
Hi,
I know exactly how you are feeling, something very similar happened to me. I was actually a little younger though...I had my son was I was 21, and was only dating my boyfriend(husband now) for 1 month! I know, it sounds awful...but, anyway, we got marrid within 2 months, moved in together, etc...we wee just getting use to living with each other when our son arrived. The first few months, well, probably about the first year was pretty rough. I felt like I wasn't cut out to stay at home with him and I was an awful mom. I breastfed,too, which was a pretty awful experience, for me anyway. If I were to do it again, I would've quit breastfeeding because it depressed me and I hated it, but I thought it was best for my son. So, think about stopping breastfeeding if you feel soo badly about it, no one is forcing you to do it, it's your choice. Your hormones right now are on a rollercoaster, just give it some time. If you are THAT unhapy still, then get out every chance you can by yourself and leave the baby with your husband. hope this helps
katie

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 7:19pm

Hi there, 1st things WILL get better, Promise,, hang in there,, 2nd it IS possible that you have post partum and need medicine to control the imbalance. Please if things keep up go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:04am

Dear fellow SAHM,

It sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed....welcome to the club! :o) My son just turned 11 months yesterday and I feel like that a lot! I read some of the previous comments and couldn't agree more about staying home, it's a HUGE adjustment. Some days you'll feel a little more adjusted than others.

I have read these message boards many times, when trying to gain strength during difficult moments this past year. However, I felt compelled to actually join this time, so I could write you! I understand how difficult the first year is, I'm not quite through it myself! However, it WILL get better! My advice to you?....switch to formula!

I am still breastfeeding my son, but it's only because we both still enjoy it. If it was the issue that was causing me the most stress, it would have been out a long time ago! Especially pumping, it's the worst! Besides, I have heard that if you only pump than you don't get enough stimulation, and it won't last more than 5 weeks or so anyways. So, if you don't want to have your son latch on, why not give it up now? You will most likely be so much happier! You will be able to spend that extra time doing things for yourself, like napping when he does!

I think there is way too much stress put on mothers today to breastfeed. You should not feel guilty for giving formula. Besides, your being so stressed and exhausted will show up in your milk. Why not prepare a formula bottle for him, cuddle him, and feed him in your arms. You will be rested and he is still getting wonderful nutrition. Plus, he'll be getting the added bonus of a happier mom!

I don't know if any of this helped. It's just that when I read your story, my heart went out to you! One of the things that helps me the most is realizing that everyone at some point or another has felt the way you do right now! You are normal! I have no doubt you love your son, even if you say your motherly 'instincts' have not kicked in. You wouldn't be reaching out like this if you didn't.

So, try to cheer up! Look into those beautiful eyes of his and thank God for choosing you to be that precious boys mom!

Remember this: God doesn't Call the Qualified, he Qualifies the Called!

Good Luck!

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