PLEASE help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
PLEASE help me!
27
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:57pm

Help me please... I need advice, a hug, something.

My son is 2 months old and I can't take it anymore. I am a stay at home and I am not liking it. Well, sometimes I do, but most of the time I am not happy.

I wanted to stay at home with him b/c I myself was in daycare ALL the time during my childhood and had a bad experience which i won't get into now - long story.
I also pump my breastmilk and feed baby by a bottle so the pumping takes about 3 1/2 hours out of my day - I feel like I can get nothing done b/c I am stuck to the pump - I am currently pumping with the use of a hands free bra so I can at least type on the computer while pumping. i wanted to give son breastmilk b/c I know its the best but sometimes it seems SO much time is dedicated to the pumping, Sometimes he's in his crib, taking a nap, and I am pumping, and he starts crying - well he is in another room so I just let him cry for the 20-30 mins. & I feel awful but if I dont just levae him I will never get things done.

My son was not planned.. and I feel like stupid for getting pregnant - it's a long story as to why I thought I coudlnt get pregnant and why we weren't as careful as we should have been. At 1st I was happy with the idea of a baby - even though I wanted to wait 2 or 3 more years for kids... I am 23, just graduated from college with my bachelors - so the timing was ok but I really wanted more time with my husband, you know.
So we got married very quickly b/c I was pregnant - we were going to get married a year from the time we actually did. I moved in with husband and he has been great - he does help but I am still not happy.

I truly people some women are not meant to be mothers -- and if I feel that way, what can I do??? I can stuck with him. And there's nothing I can do.

I have never babysit before, I was never a kid person, but everyone told me "oh your maternal instinct will kick in when it's your own"

well what if it doesn't?????

I have no relatives who can help me - they all live out of town... I have no friends that can help me -- they all work during the day and the one friend my age that has kids - works all the time and her kids are always sick so I dont wanna hang out with her too much b/c I dont want my son sick too.

I know some people are going to reply back that I should go to a doctor and get put on antidepressants but MY real question is:
aren't there just some women out there that aren't meant to be mothers?
and what do these women do once they realize they aren't meant to do this job?

I feel being a mom is the hardest job in the world and i am not cut out for it.

please any help would be appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:37am

Hi Brenda

I had to jump in here on one point you made, sorry!

"Especially pumping, it's the worst! Besides, I have heard that if you only pump than you don't get enough stimulation, and it won't last more than 5 weeks or so"

It is a lot of work...a ton!!! But if she is like me, and the baby wouldn't latch for anything, it is the next best option...it's still breastmilk, and she working her butt of to do it!!! lol! I had a lactation nurse at my house for weeks after my dd was born, we tried everything including starvation for a few days (definatly wouldn't recommend it!) I pumped exclusivly for 7 1/2 months, and had plently of milk the whole time. When I got my first period one night, the next morning, thankfully I had milk in the freezer and fridge, and I sent my dh out for formula because I went dry overnight. I do agree that if pumping doesn't work, than quit. It's probably upsetting mom more than anything! I used my pumping time to call friends and family. As far as the bonding bit, although I pumped and fed through a bottle, my dr recommended that for the first few months, that no one but me fed her. I let my dh get the odd late, late night feeding, but other than that it was just me. It was awkward at certain family affairs when people would say, "Oh she eats from a bottle, I'll feed her" and I would say no.

The first few weeks and months of having a newborn are so hard...on almost everyone!!! I often feel for my cousin in Chicago who only has something like 6-8 weeks mat leave, and I had 1 year. I can't imagine going back to work, let alone after only 6 weeks!

Cheers to us!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 8:36am

Hi again - I'm back. :-)

I just wanted to add that once you feel up to getting out some, you really need to try to find some other stay-at-home mom friends - it is vital to have a support group in this new stage of your life.

There are several national support groups that are wonderful: check out Mothers of Preschoolers (www.mops.org), The Moms Club (www.momsclub.org), and Mothers and More (I'm not sure if this one has individual chapters or not). See if there is a local chapter near you - I was a part of MOPS for 4 years and made some wonderful friends.

Other ways of meeting moms are:

*attending story time at your local library

*joining a playgroup (ask moms in your neighborhood if there already is one established - if not, consider starting one yourself. The one that I belonged to met once a week at rotating houses)

*going to the park and talking to other moms there

*joining a Gymboree or Kindermusik class (IF you have the money - these are expensive)

*checking out local churches or hospitals to see if they have mom support groups (especially with the pumping issue - many hospitals offer breastfeeding support groups that eventually evolve into playgroups.

As far as the pumping issue goes, I agree with the posters who advised you to QUIT!!! Even my pediatrician told me that yes, breast milk is best, but not at all costs. If it is truly stressing you out, then it's not worth it. Give yourself a break and give your body formula!

Once again, let me say HANG IN THERE! It will get better! Keep us posted!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:37am
Hugs to you ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
It is rough being a parent and being a first time mom is hard.
I had a hard time with my first. I was 18 when I got pregnant, 18 when I got married and 19 when I had him. It was a lot going on in one year.
I was depressed after having him and felt alone and scared, not knowing what to do. I had my mom close by, but she chose to let me do it alone so I could learn.
I am grateful for her doing that, but at the time, I was not.
About 4 years later, we decided to have our second child. My husband was away 6 weeks and home 3 weeks the whole pregnancy.
When my youngest was born, he was not there and not home the first 3 weeks after he was born. Now that was hard.
I had my oldest and the baby to take care alone. I had no one to help me. I was really sad then.
But you know what, I made it past that and now I am happy, have two beautiful boys and a great husband who helps everytime he is home for 3 weeks.
I know how you are feeling, and I hope you feel better about this soon.
Have you thought about meeting other moms in the area? It might help you out at this time. Being home alone is no fun and not good for you.
We have some boards on IVillage for people in certain states and cities, check them out.
Good luck and we are here for you.





Lilypie Baby Birthday

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:30pm

I too have felt this way. Even though I was 32 when I had my daughter I was not really prepared to be a Mother. We had waited over 9 years to have her. We never wanted kids. I have always taught in the school system so I thought watching those kids was more than enough for me. I did not feel like a real Mother until she was about a year old. I struggled that first year getting adjusted. Everytime I would walk by a window or mirror and see myself holding my baby I felt like she was not mine like maybe I was just babysitting this child. I think every Mother feels overwhelmed at one time or another whether they want to admit it or not. There has been times that I would like to just walk out the door, but I know that I have a responsibility to my daughter. We are just human and these thoughts and feelings do come. I think being a stay at home Mom is expecially hard because you are with them 24-7. You don't get a break like if you are out working, but it is also rewarding at the same time for me. I hope you start to feel better soon. hang in there. Try to find a good Momma group that maybe you can hook with other Mom's to talk. It really helps.

Trish :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:40pm

A deep breath is my best friend at this point. I have come here in hopes that I might find someone in somewhat the same situation I am in. I too am 23 and dealing with an unplanned pregnancy....my wedding was to moved up and I am staying at home and supressing my need to work. My guilt is what ended up keeping me at home with my daughter. I tried daycare and working...that lasted two weeks. I am fumbling through being a full time mother now at six months old...I have virtually no help from my husband and negative advise from all those related to either of us. My friends are somewhat like yours.

I have some idea how you are feeling. A deep breath is my best friend because on average I get about four hours of interupted sleep a day. My daughter has regressed and is no longer sleeping through the night and screams when anyone other than mommy holds her. Thats how I reassure myself that I can do this, I call myself mommy. I think about the days ahead that she will call me that and she'll be somewhat able to do things for herself. I know everyone says to cherish the time when they are small, but when you are still getting used to being a mother, that just sounds stupid. I wish I could find someone that would be willing to discuss these things instead of hiding them.

I cry and cry some days becuase at 23 I think that another year or so with my husband would have been the best thing for all of us. I feel like I am somehow letting her down with the way I feel.

But it has gotten better...she is a happy baby...laughs alot and that just seems to make things better. Seems to put things into perspective. Helps me to know that so far I havn't screwed up to bad, so maybe things will just keep getting better from here. Here's hoping!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 3:09pm
You've had many replies and am not even sure you'll get to mine. I will probably just repeat what others say. In fact I know I will. You may want to look for a way to get yourself out of the situation maybe 2 days a week. How? Talk to some other mothers and maybe you can find a caretaker as opposed to a daycare. SAHM could be a very lonely job if you let it be. Someone suggested you go see family and I think that is an excellent idea. We were without family with our first and it could be very rough, especially if daddy works a lot. If you are pumping then feeding you are definitely monopolizing your time with just feeding your baby. You need to either nurse directly or just do the formula. Formula fed babies are strong and healthy and yours needs mommy happy and relaxed as possible more than the breastmilk. Bottom line is we do the best WE can do and not in measurement to others. You need to be happy in order to make the baby happy. You aren't uncaring you are just overwhelmed and with the speed of your life changes that's no surprise. Keep contacting people. Your situation hasn't settled. I have a 2.5 mnth boy and we're not settled either.
Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:36pm

Dejavu! My boy is now 10 months old and some days I'm still where you are. We hated each other the first 5 weeks. He went from 8lbs6oz/20in at birth to 20lbs/27in by 4 months...all breastfeeding, all pretty much hell. You will do for your son because you have to. In what now seems like eons away, you will see the fruits of your labor. You will be proud of yourself for enduring this impossible task. You are probably so anxious to do this right and there really isn't such a thing. Whatever works...you do it. Watch out for all the books and advice...except mine. Some of us aren't naturals, but we are great learners. The target is 6 months...take it one day at a time. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done at 35 yrs old. But now I can't imagine life w/out him. But the first few months I was counting every hour.

Former Worldly Flight Attendant
Eloise

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:31pm

Jumping back in on the BFding. I too stressed out about this in the beginning to the point I was in tears. Well it did not last but a few days as I switched to formula. My mom finally told me that all 3 of us were formula feed and turned out just fine so don't let not breastfeeding stress you out.


I hope you are feeling better.


Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 11:49am
I know how you feel...sort of. I am 24 and had my son 1 month after my 24th b-day. It was very hard at first. My fiance and I had only been dating for about 7 months when we found out I was pregnant. It was not planned either. The first 4 months are without a doubt the hardest. I also breastfed my son and it did seem like he was ALWAYS on the breast and top that off with going on practically no sleep and even the strongest person would crack. He is 8-months old now it is much more fun he has his own little personality. I used to hate the idea of staying home since I could never get anything done and when he was sleeping all I wanted to do was sleep too. I seriously had many of the same thoughts you did (i.e. Maybe I'm not cut out for this) But now I know I am blessed to be able to stay home. We seriously have so much fun together, he knows I am his protector and his best friend. We laugh and play every day and the fact that like you I grew up in daycare and my mom was a single mom with 5 kids, it feels so good to be able to witness and nurture his rapid growth and development. With that said, not every day is rainbows and lollipops. It took a long time to get where we are today. One small step you can try to make now it to get your son on a schedule. It makes him and you feel so much more secure. I would start by feeding him when he gets up followed by some awake/play time and then try to gradually get on a three hour feeding schedule. I also would recommend a local play group or support program, you are not alone the main thing is you get some support and socialization for yourself and you son. Our children truly are gifts and do not feel guilty for feeling these feelings just try not to let it affect your precious relationship with your baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 12:45am

THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO REPLIED!

There are many of you that I would like to reply too but at the moment, I don't have time, but I did wanna give you all an update and some more info.

I am feeling better. I actually met someone online who told me about MOPS and I am going to their next meeting. i think it will help to meet other moms.

My MIL came in town yesterday and she's babysitting the baby tomorrow so husband and I can out which will be nice.

My mom does live in town, but she has not been helping at all -- she works ALL the time - and she never has a day off.. but finally yesterday after she could tell i was down when we talked on the phone, she said she'd be willing to come over and hang out on her mornings off which made me feel better. Once I get her in person, I am going to tell her that I need her more in our lives. Hopefully she will listen.

I haven't given up the pumping b/c it's too important to me and I think I would feel even worse.. I did try feeding him while I pumped, and it worked, but it was kind of hard to burp him, but it worked out. I did get my period, and I am still making milk - some women's supplies drop b/c of periods or stress, but so far I haven't seen a drop in my supply, thankfully - I've got a good pump. We did buy formula so that if I haven't pumped we can just give him formula.