PLEASE help me!
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| Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:57pm |
Help me please... I need advice, a hug, something.
My son is 2 months old and I can't take it anymore. I am a stay at home and I am not liking it. Well, sometimes I do, but most of the time I am not happy.
I wanted to stay at home with him b/c I myself was in daycare ALL the time during my childhood and had a bad experience which i won't get into now - long story.
I also pump my breastmilk and feed baby by a bottle so the pumping takes about 3 1/2 hours out of my day - I feel like I can get nothing done b/c I am stuck to the pump - I am currently pumping with the use of a hands free bra so I can at least type on the computer while pumping. i wanted to give son breastmilk b/c I know its the best but sometimes it seems SO much time is dedicated to the pumping, Sometimes he's in his crib, taking a nap, and I am pumping, and he starts crying - well he is in another room so I just let him cry for the 20-30 mins. & I feel awful but if I dont just levae him I will never get things done.
My son was not planned.. and I feel like stupid for getting pregnant - it's a long story as to why I thought I coudlnt get pregnant and why we weren't as careful as we should have been. At 1st I was happy with the idea of a baby - even though I wanted to wait 2 or 3 more years for kids... I am 23, just graduated from college with my bachelors - so the timing was ok but I really wanted more time with my husband, you know.
So we got married very quickly b/c I was pregnant - we were going to get married a year from the time we actually did. I moved in with husband and he has been great - he does help but I am still not happy.
I truly people some women are not meant to be mothers -- and if I feel that way, what can I do??? I can stuck with him. And there's nothing I can do.
I have never babysit before, I was never a kid person, but everyone told me "oh your maternal instinct will kick in when it's your own"
well what if it doesn't?????
I have no relatives who can help me - they all live out of town... I have no friends that can help me -- they all work during the day and the one friend my age that has kids - works all the time and her kids are always sick so I dont wanna hang out with her too much b/c I dont want my son sick too.
I know some people are going to reply back that I should go to a doctor and get put on antidepressants but MY real question is:
aren't there just some women out there that aren't meant to be mothers?
and what do these women do once they realize they aren't meant to do this job?
I feel being a mom is the hardest job in the world and i am not cut out for it.
please any help would be appreciated!

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jackice
(Sarah and Maggie)
Thanks for replying.
My motherinlaw did offer me a chance to come to where she lives and visits - she said she'd take care of me and the baby (I think she can tell how down I have gotten) 2 of my sisters in law live there too, but I didn't want to go b/c they live in south canada and it is super cold right now. Plus my husband didn't want me and the baby to leave. We are going as a family for a week long trip in June which will be nice to get away and see family.
My family is not close. My mom actually lives in town, but I never see her b/c she works all the time - even though she has no reason to. She's a work alcoholic - literally. She won't stop working for any reason. She even didn't come up to the hospital when I gave birth b/c she was working... she helps by giving us a lot of gifts and $ but she isn't there emotionally. I have decided when I see her next, I am going to tell her I need her more in my life - I think no matter how I say it - she will get defensive.
My dad lives down south and I only see him once a year if I am lucky but we are starting to get closer... he just came up for a 1st visit with the baby.
So, at this point i won't be able to go visit family, but thanks for the suggestion.
amber388
- wow your friend is a strong person to have gone thru pregnancy alone.
That's another reason that I feel so bad... I know that I got it good. My husband was wonderful when I was prego. He came to EVERY OBappointment - I don't think most men are able but thankfully with his job he can come and go as he pleases. My husband changed all our baby's diapers when we were in the hospital (I had c-section). He took 2 weeks off work and helped me with every feeding since the breastfeeding was a bad experience.
He was great b/c he did the laundry for a month (which is my chore).
I have only cooked one meal since our baby was born - mostly b/c I am not the cook in the house - but sometimes I feel bad that I am not getting more done, but he reassures me that he doesn't expect me to get a lot done. he is committed to me pumping, too, he understands it takes lots of time.
Anyway, thank you for posting. Everyone helped in different ways.
jeannettebray – Twins! I don’t know if I could handle that. I totally agree with what you said about sometimes you gotta let them cry a little. A person only has 2 hands, you know? But I posted in another message board and the woman replied back that she was disturbed that I let him cry once in awhile… I don’t understand how it can be bad. I know there are babies out there that just cry and cry for hours no matter what their parents do – so if I let my son cry for 10-20 minutes, how is it gonna hurt him – esp. since he rarely cries. I do feel lucky that he seldom cries… and when he does, sometimes it really bothers me, and I rush right in, but when I am trying to cook or carrying a load of laundry up the stairs, or pumping, I can’t just drop everything.. but my sister in law is one of those women who thinks babies should never cry and every little peep she rushes into her daughter’s room… I’m just not like that.
As far as formula – I don’t know if you read my update, but I am still pumping but did buy formula for emergencies. I am not ready to drop pumping yet.
elizabethalbers- Thanks for sharing your advice and your story. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, too, I guess when I was thinking about being at home, I was thinking about the playing aspect, getting down on the floor with him and coloring, playing with toys, going to the park, going to mommy and me classes, etc. I didn’t really think that hey, the 1st year, he’s not gonna do much. I just can’t wait til he can walk and talk and do things!
Jennyberm – I know that staying at home would make for a great chance for me to breastfeed but the 3 weeks I did breastfeed were the worst weeks in my life- I was sadder than I am now or when I posted that post to you all… and even when he was on correctly and it wasn’t painful… I didn’t enjoy it all. I have started to feed him while I pump and I am working on making a better schedule and bought formula for the times I haven’t pumped so I can cut one pump out during the day… I am sure you know how good breast milk is and I really want to give that to my son and if I quit now I would have to deal with the guilt and I just can’t quit.
This is just my experience with formula –
I was given formula, my mom didn’t even try to breastfeed… I was sick all the time. I had asthma (as a child) I had SO MANY ear infections – my mom has a list of every doctor visit when I was child in my baby book and I was ALWAYS there… I had ear/nose/throat problems – the list goes on and on. Research has shown that babies who get breastmilk have fewer ear infections and are sick less often so I want to give that advantage to my son. I just hope he’s healthier than I was.
Hi there,
I am kind-of a lurker, but I really felt compelled to write to you.
I am a bit older than you, but I had a really rough first 3 months. My DH and had been married for 5 years when my DD was born. My pregnancy was wonderful, my DH was great...as was yours. I was so excited and proud to be a mom. It is amazing to me that no one tells you truthfully how difficult it will be at the beginning.
When I came home from the hospital all seemed OK. My DH also took 2 weeks off. It was good for those 2 weeks, my mom came in town, and my DH was a great help. Then he had to go back to work. I remember sometimes just crying all day long. My DD was really a good baby...now looking back..hehe. She slept well, really only cried if she needed something. But honestly I just did not get the whole nurturing thing. My DH has like a super-mom for a mother, so he just expected that as soon as the baby was born, I would become the perfect nurturing mother that he had. That was not the case!! The first 2 months you do not get anything back...it is the true meaning of unconditional love!!! You give, and give...for not even a smile. That was very difficult to handle for me. I know how selfish that sounds...but frankly we (my DH and I both)
#2 due 10-24-05
First, and before you do ANYTHING else, you NEED to talk to you doctor about the possibility that you are in SERIOUS post partum depression. Your letter waved every red flag symptom of PPD, and it's nothing to play with, it's not something to ignore--you need to look into this. It sounds like the way you are feeling is preventing you from bonding with your baby, and that you're completely overwhelmed and that is a MAJOR problem. So, before you do anything else, put down the breast pump, step away from your computer, and pick up the phone. Today. You do NOT HAVE to keep feeling like this. Whether you get on some meds to help you through--both antidepressants and an antianxiety medication sounds like they may be in order for a while--or you opt for some counseling to help you through, the only bad option is to do nothing. I HAD postpartum too--it's horrible, it's overwhelming, and for some stupid reason, at the time you're going through it, it's so embarassing. You feel like you're the worst mom in the world, you're obviously defective as a woman, and there is NO way you are going to be able to raise a happy, loved and successful child--all of which is untrue, but that doesn't matter when it's so huge that it's like pushing a boulder up a glass slope. I really do understand, and I promise, it will get better--but not just by hoping that it will. You have to get up, and call your doctor now. If he doesn't want to treat you himself, I'm sure that he can refer you to someone who will. It's not uncommon, it's not weird, and it doesn't mean you are going to be a bad mother. Good moms first and foremost have to recognize when they're in over their head, and know that we all have to yell for help sometimes. Don't think for a minute that the most seasoned, loving, great mom doesn't have moments when they look at their destroyed house, watch their kids brawling and crying across the waste of their living room and think--OH MY GOD, what have I gotten myself into!! You aren't alone, and you aren't less of a mom just because you're new to it, or because it came as a surpise. Even if you're planning a baby, it always comes as a surprise when you look into those eyes the first time. And every day when our kids do something that we have no idea how to counter, we are all reminded there's never a time that we're not new to this. So go now--no matter how helpful any advice on how to swim this ocean you get here will be, you have to start from your end with finding someone who can throw you a life preserver. We'll all still be here--and I know for one I'd be happy to listen, to talk, to let you call if you need to just scream your head off--but for your sake and for your baby's sake, start right now with a phone call to someone who can actually help you figure out what to do next.
Angela
I just wanted to say that I have to agree with Angela. I know sometimes that in posts we cannot properly express what we are feeling, but I to saw some red flags in your post. I think you should definitely rule out PPD first before you try anything else. It sounds as if you are not bonding with your baby well. PPD is not something to mess around with.
I have to disagree as
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