read me, PLEASE!! Help!
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| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:57pm |
Someone any one PLEASE help me un-rack my brain.
The problem goes like this. I have three kids all were conceived with my husband. I have a 12 year old daughter and a 4 year old son who do not get alone at all, with an 8 year difference it is understandable. My son is constantly jumping on, smacking on, kicking on and spitting on my 12 year old. Just recently he punch her in the nose, which bleed and has peed on her. He does none of these things to his 11 month old sister or any other child no matter how old they are. As a matter of fact when my eldest is in school my son is the most charming perfect little boy that every mom wants, and he dotes on his baby sister. I get the hint that he just can't stand his big sister.
My daughter is not by any means nice to him. When I'm not looking she’s always taunting him. I can’t even trust her enough to pay her as a babysitter just so I can get a shower with the baby. When my eldest is home I have to send my son to his room or have him sit in the bathroom while I take a shower with the baby. My eldest has a tendency to get under peoples skin from the time she could climb out of her crib at 1 years old, rip down the screen on her bedroom door (gates don’t always work) climb over the gate and crawled down the steps and pull all kinds of stuff out from a locked refrigerator and this is just one of the thousands of problems I have dealt with in the eight years of her being an only child. It’s not just mom and dad saying she pushes peoples buttons, gets under your skin, or gets on peoples nerves to where you want to LASH out at her to finely get her to understand the word stop. It’s grandparents, aunt and most of all shockingly her teachers and what little friends she has left in a school year. My daughter has always been helpful when it is to her benefit, she is very sharing and loving but this game she plays with people until they have no more patients with her, Has got to stop, and I call it a game because she smiles, laughs and enjoys watching peoples reactions. I have calmly (counting to 10 and taking deep breaths myself) talk to her about this problem on regular basis of about once a week for about 10 years, Now I have resulted to screaming, yelling what ever you call it to get her to stop this foolish game. My daughter is an honor roll student and has been checked both by school and her doctor and there are no medical problems. The best way I can explain my daughter is by three different figures that you might recognize. 1. Calvin and Hobbes (the comic books), 2. Even Stevens (on the Disney Channel), And 3. Dennis the menace (so innocent to the annoying torture he creates). She breaks everything I ask her to do. I can’t even ask her to load the dishwasher, she breaks it every time and her comment to how it got broken is “If I break it I don’t have to do it"! That little line she uses on everything the vacuum,ect. And just recently the washing machine when she has to do her own laundry. She has never been title as a bully but I still get that same feeling around her. I personally limit my time in a room with her. I for one am not a believer of the belt method of punishment. But if grounding her to her room (which she likes), giving her extra chores (which put me in a money jam), taking her weekend fun and summer beaks (no phone and sleepovers) away does not bother her, I have even went so low as to put her in time out and she just laughed at me the whole time. Then what do I do?
I have stupidly came up with two options. Which both had their pros and cons. 1. They where to be grounded from each other (no talking, no playing and no watching TV together, ect.). I found the result I was looking for but upset that it only worked once. They where sneaking around behind my back getting along. But once the un-grounding day came it was back to their old ways. So I went with options two. 2. They where to do everything together except bath and bed. OH!!!!!!!!!!! How I just wanted to beat my ear's until I could not hear anything any more.
Now I can only come up with my two last resorts belt or military school. And I would much rather spank my daughter then to send my baby away. I just don’t want my last two resorts to have the negative effect that she is not loved by me. If love hurts you some times in life does that mean that my punishments should be more sever at this point?
I am concern that my son is seeing her actions and my yelling,and I have had to talk to my son on a couple of occasion for doing similar things that my eldest daughter has done.
PLEASE if anyone has any suggestion!
Well I think I got it all off my mind and I do feel a lot better writing it out instead of going to a doctor or my daughter's school. They would have just look at me and took my daughter away because I can't figure out how to deal with it anymore. I would be title a parent who can not control her child.
But the question goes still unanswered. I guess I was hoping that writing out my problem, the answer would come clear.
Sincerly,
Confused

Call Super Nanny quick! I don't know about this one, but I am serious, I have seen Super Nanny do some good work! It was on tonight at 7:00. Good Luck!
-Robin
I can't believe I almost have a teenager!

Your sweet angel sister Caitlin is watching you grow, Megan!

I believe spanking to be an effective discipline tool. But not for a 12 yr old. You have had her checked out, so now is the time to get tough.
You say she likes her room? Why? Is there a TV, video games, phone, or whatever she enjoys in there? Fine. Strip that room bare, and that of your son's. Leave them with a bed, 2 changes of clothes and a change of sheets. In fact, I would take the TV/Entertainment out of the main living areas as well. Keep one in YOUR room and get a lock for your door if needed. Take away ALL privleges and anything they like to do. No bikes, nothing. Give chores to your daughter that she cannot break something, like scrubbing the bathroom floor with a rag or toothbrush. Have her wash her clothes in the tub and hang them out to dry. I am sure you can think of all sorts of things. Have them do schoolwork and write sentences. Put a chart on the wall. For every day they behave, then, on the weekend they get an hour or 2 of games, TV or computer, or whatever.
This worked for a friend of mine.
Super Nanny did that! I have actually started to do that some with my son only he won't pick up after himself, so I have been collecting his things including socks and clothes and toys in a garbage bag. I told him that he can have it all back when he goes a straight week without leaving anything out! Seriously The thing with taking everything out of the room and having to earn it back has worked!
-Robin
I can't believe I almost have a teenager!

Your sweet angel sister Caitlin is watching you grow, Megan!

I am so sorry you are having a rough time.
Wow, I am really sorry this is happening. I would have to say (not in a judgmental way) that you seem to use quite a few techniques. I would find something you like and stick with it, even if it does not work the first time. Consistency could really help her in my opinion. It really sounds like she is just begging for your attention. Maybe some time alone with just you would help her out. Even if it is just a walk around the neighborhood. It might help her to re-group and is an opportunity for you to model life strategies. Sometimes children need to learn HOW to play together. Maybe a family game time where the older two have to become partners will help them to relate to each other.
I don't know, maybe it is just me but I was much more alarmed by your sons behavior than I was your daughter's. It seems he just feels free to take all his anger and resentment out on your daughter. Children are very perceptive and if he feels that everyone feels that way about his sister he could be doing this thinking it is okay to treat her this way, kind of like he is just doing everyone a favor. The fact that he would actually pee on her shows his contempt. I do not think children just have a natural repulsiveness towards someone else.
jmho