Should I feel guilty?
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|Wed, 10-19-2011 - 12:44pm|
I feel guilty when I have a bad day because I feel like being at home with my daughter should always be good days, and it's not. The past couple days I've had a series of bad days. Our fridge broke, the cat got stuck in a tree, my daughter bit part of the tip of my finger off (weird, I know, I put a piece of food in her mouth and she bit me instead), I got stung by a bee, we've been battling recurrent infections on insect bites, my daughter is on antibiotics and miserable, I'm trying to find a new house because we want to buy and are sick of renting, I just did my finals for one of my classes, started a new class, my uncle is dying from cancer. I just have a lot on my plate and I feel like I'm not allowed to have a bad day. My fiance actually makes me feel guilty about it. He can't see that I just had a bad day, and it happens. Instead, it turns into a direct reflection on my personality.
I'd love to have just some time alone. He has an hour drive to work, and an hour back. I would love to be able to spend two hours a day to myself with my own thoughts, but I don't get that. Instead, once they both go to bed, I stay up on the computer playing games or doing my schoolwork. He accuses me of talking to other guys, but that's nonsense. He takes out his insecurities on me all the time, and I just can't handle it anymore. Especially when I'm already having a bad day! My daughter was acting nutty yesterday. Trying to bite me, swinging at me. Only because she was tired, she doesn't typically act like that, but I was already at my wits end. I asked him if he thought she was acting up too, and he says to me, "She's being a b*tch like her mother. You are around her all the time." and that just made me feel like the worst mother ever.
I don't always have the house perfect. Sometimes the house is a little messy, but I always have supper made everynight. I feel guilty that I don't do enough, and unappreciated to the point that I don't want to make an effort to satisfy anyone because no one seems to give a hoot anyways. If I don't have dinner made at a specific time, the night is ruined by my fiance's constant whining. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom or engaged, and I feel guilty for feeling that way, but it's my reality.