Shy kid & I'm worried
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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:44am |
I just wanted to run this by you all and see what you think. My DD Tessa is *so* shy, it's starting to concern me. She's almost 3, and only plays with her sister and brothers. She'll hang with her cousins IF Jenna is with her (Jenna is her twin sister--the outgoing of the two), but never by herself even though she knows all her cousins very well. When she *does* play with her cousins and Jenna, she really doesn't interact with them; she just clings to Jenna.
When adults "ooh" and "ahh" over my girls in public places (because they are identical, and usually dressed alike, they get a lot of attention), she hides her face in mine or DH's legs, or whimpers and begs to be picked up by us, and then hides her face in our necks. She will actually cover her face (how rude!) when people she doesn't know talk to her.
She seems to exhibit no interest in socializing with anyone outside the family. When I have friends from the neighborhood in for the boys, she hides, or clings to me, DH (if he's home) or Jenna. At playdates, she refuses to interact with the other kids who are with her to play with her; and is unresponsive to the other moms--ignoring them and clinging to me or hiding her face when they talk to her! When she is in the backyard with her brothers and sister, and neighbor kids come over, she runs in to me and refuses to go back out! And then she cries for Jenna, who is very outgoing and prefers to stay and play.
Whenever DH and I go out and leave her with a sitter--even if this sitter is family, like my sisters or his sisters whom she knows well and loves--she absolutely falls apart. She has a sobbing fit, making us feel guilty.
Anywhere besides home, or if we have company, she is totally wrapped up in her sister. Whatever move Jenna makes, Tessa does it too, almost as a way to protect herself it seems. She wants nothing to do with anyone besides family. Even when the contractors working on our basement first come in the morning, she either goes and hides for a few minutes, clings to me, or clings to Jenna. Jenna doesn't even notice--she's too little also. And they've pretty much been attached since Day 1 of conception, so she doesn't mind, and likes her sister near her also (weird bond with identical twins I've discovered), but I am beginning to get concerned about it.
I understand shy. I was a shy little girl until I hit high school. But this seems Beyond Shy to me. Almost terrified of anyone she doesn't know, and unwilling to trust me enough that other kids, and parents, and friends of ours, are OK. She does eventually warm up when people are with her long enough, but it takes a while. And the clinginess to me, DH, Jenna and even her 2 brothers concerns me.
If I can get her and Jenna potty-trained this Summer, I want to send them to preschool for half day in the Fall--at least a few days/week. While I think this might be good for her, it also seems that it would be totally traumatic at this point. . . Is she going to change? How will she start kindergarten in 2 years at this rate? No one has ever traumatized her or hurt her. I can't imagine where her fear of people is coming from!
I have discussed this a lot with DH recently. The other day I told him maybe we need some kind of early intervention. Perhaps she has some kind of problem that needs to be addressed. Oh NO, my husband would not even *discuss* that! He thinks she's fine, just timid and introverted, he'd rather have her this way than too friendly where she could be kidnapped (??!! He's a paranoid nut, I tell you!!), she'll learn to open up, she's perfect, etc. He can't see beyond the fact that she and Jenna are his Little Perfect Princesses to even entertain the possibility that there might be something pathological going on here.
So I just thought I'd run this by you guys. . . Anyone out there with an *extremely* shy child? What do you think? Where does it go from normal shyness and introversion to some neurological or psychological problem??
Thanks for any input you can give me.
Sofia


Sofia believe it or not, I was painfully shy like that too. I think it is something that she will eventually outgrow, but she needs to be put in situations where she is given that opportunity.
As soon as she is potty trained, you might consider putting her in a mother's day out program *by herself*... without Jenna. It will be difficult at first for both of you, but it would probably help her a lot. I would also make sure that when she starts kindergarten that she is in a class separate from Jenna.
Speaking from experience, she needs to learn self confidence, and she can't do that if she clings to anyone else. It's not easy, and it will take a while, but she will be stronger person in the end and will probably surprise you in many ways.
of course this is JMO...
I have intentionally put myself in uncomfortable situations over the years so that I would force myself to grow and overcome my shyness. It's been a long road, but I am nothing like I used to be.
hang in there mom... she'll be ok!
Wow Sofia, are you sure that Molly doesn't live with you? LOL! You described Molly, almost to a "T". She is also quite shy, and buries her head in your leg when strangers talk, etc. Katie usually helps her out and says "oh, my sister is just shy". LOL! Needless to say, Katie is not!! Anyway, I have to help her get adjusted to a situation before I can just LEAVE her somewhere. For example, I dropped the girls off at my friend's house (she knows this mom VERY well, and she plays with her dd quite frequently, but mostly at our house). Katie barely said goodbye to me, while for Molly, I had to promise her I would stay until they started the program (they have backyard VBS, sponsored by their church - very cool!!). This was fine with her, so she played with the other kids until they got started, then said goodbye to me. However, I must tell you, it has taken us a LONG time to get to this point. Would it help to maybe get your dd involved in something that is just hers, without her sister? I don't know much about twins, but I do know shy. Maybe if she had something of her own to tell the other kids about, she would open up more. Like, storytime at the library. Arrange to take JUST her, and when it is time to read the story, encourage her to sit in the circle with the other kids, and point out to her where you will sit. That way she knows where you are, but she is independent from you and gaining confidence in being on her own. It may take a while to get to that point, but maybe it would work?
I really don't think it is anything to worry too much about, just sort of frustrating, isn't it? You really want her to be independent, and learn that if mom and dad are talking to a person, it is o.k. for her to talk to them.
Hugs, Sofia.
Wendy
Sofia, you have a sociology degree, don't ya?? I think, especially with the kind of education you have, you should listen to your gut. It could be that she is just shy and will get over it, but it can't hurt to see your pediatrician about it. They may have some suggestions of how to help her overcome it that you might not have thought of. I don't think I'd separate her from her twin and then put her with others immediately. If I were going to do that I'd separate them and make it a mom/daughter day out. Do something you know she will enjoy with no social pressure and then just gradually move from there.
And as for the potty training, try not to focus too much on that. Twins are hard! The more I tried to make Jenny go potty the more she balked. Finally she started at the age of 4 (yikes!) of her own free will and she's never had an accident.
Erin
Thanks for all your great advice, comfort and suggestions, guys. I'm really going to think about what you all said. It comforts me to know that Molly has the same sort of issue, Wendy; and that you were so shy as a kid, Desiree, because you are now *totally* together and out-going ;) I feel better having read these.
I'm hoping school will eventually help her. She's going to freak to be separated from Jenna. They are very "in sync" with one another. Kind of like mirror images, LOL! But it will probably do her good. I'll try working on the other things you all suggested. Our pediatrician is a friend of ours, so I think I will just casually mention this to him IN FRONT OF MICHAEL, and see what he says. It's not like he hasn't seen it in her. She freaks whenever he examines her. But he's never said anything about it.
Thanks again! You guys rock!
Sofia