SIL says she "couldn't handle....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
SIL says she "couldn't handle....
7
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:37am
sitting at home, doing nothing". UGH! If I hear those words come from her mouth again, I will SCREAM. I swear she says it, aimed at me (DH says I'm taking it too personal, and that his sister doesn't realise that it's offensive to me).

TRYING to make a long story short...

SIL is currently "seeing" a guy that lives across the country from us (oh, for a good 2 weeks now) who is currently MARRIED. I know when they first started seeing each other, he was still WITH his wife and two kids, but he was "looking for an excuse to leave her". Supposedly, since then he has left her (how does SHE know that, he lives across the country from us??). Pretty bad senareo, huh? Well, she is planning on moving over there to be with him after she graduates from college next spring. She has a DD who is almost 7 yrs old now, and I couldn't tell you how many of her momma's boyfriends that poor girl has seen come and go! We have tried to tell her that it's just not normal for 1st graders to "pretend" to have sex all the time and talks about who her boyfriend is, and the next breath talk about who her NEXT boyfriend is going to be (I couldn't tell you how many times I've heard SIL say those same words!). I'm just so sad for our poor neice.

Anyway, the point of all of this. She's making all of these plans for her future with this guy after knowing him for a few short days, and she goes on and on about how he is trying to talk her into being a stay at home mom when she moves out there, because he will take care of her so she could be home for her DD and thier future children together. She very loudly goes on and on about how she could NOT just sit on her butt at home and do nothing! The first time I heard her say this (to me, a housewife), I shook it off by laughing at her and told her that if she thinks staying at home means sitting on your butt, then she's got something else coming. Immidiately she went on and on about how I AM busy taking care of three kids and her difficult brother, but it wouldn't be like that for her. Just this weekend, I heard her say the SAME thing, probably three times withen 15 minutes, and I just cringed everytime I heard it. I kept my mouth shut (for the most part). But what REALLY drove me nuts, was that she said how his other idea, was for her to be a substitute teacher so she could be off when her DD is off (which is a career that I have openly talked about pursuing for that EXACT reason). So, then she went on about how she can't "sit at home all summer" either. UGH!! Is she out to make me mad or what? I do beleive DH that she just really is that unthoughtful (not a first for her), but why doesn't she get the point??

The thing is, IF this really does happen, and IF it really does work out (hey some crazy senareos do pan out), maybe she SHOULD consider taking some time off, if for no other reason, than to help her DD get her life straightened out. She is one screwed up little girl, and SIL is talking about yanking her away from the grandparents that practically raise her. Some time to reconnect with her DD would do them both a world of good. I love my SIL to death, and we CAN be close, but it breaks my heart how low on the priorities her DD is.

What in the world can I say in my own defense when she talks about how housewifes "sit on their butts"?? The whole family is like this, so I would LIKE to be able to say SOMETHING in my own defense (since normally, they talk about how lazy I am behind my back, and opperitunity like this would actually be a nice way for me to say my peice, but I'm STUMPED!).

Sorry for the long rant. It's been building up for awhile now. :(

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 2:30pm

Hon, I wouldn't even say a word- I'd just start laughing hysterically and comment that obviously she's never managed a home and family before :) LOL! Some people truly don't have a clue.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 2:47pm
Angie? Are you sure we are not related?

I swear It sounds like your talking about my sister...lol

My sister is the same way, she met some guy over the internet who is "divorcing his wife" yeah right! She see's him once every 5 months or so, and talks about this great life she is going to go have with him...this is about guy number 6 since she divorced kids father about 7 years ago.

I try to be compassionate that she was married and had a baby at 16, I know that must have been hard. I blame my mother really she was exact same way and thought(still does) that you must be gay or just ugly and unnatractive and worthless if you are without a guy for more than a week. All three of my sisters act the same way and it drives me crazy!!!

They all think of me as some kind of freak because I homeschool my children and am a SAHM even though I was a pre-school and substitute teacher. Each one of them at one time or another have needed me to care for their kids while they worked and constantly made comments about me being "lucky" to get to stay home and just sit around! Like watching all of their kids is sitting around! I sometimes have up to 8 kids!

Well for a while I went and worked at a church pre-school and they had no one to watch their kids(I felt horribly guilty like I abandoned nephews and neice's) But they gained a whole new respect for me when their kids didn't come home clean anymore, and fed 3 healthy meals with lots of fruit and veggies, and whinning and complaing how much they hated daycare and wanted there aunt Traci!

I sat them all down and told them...I am not some glorified babysitter! I love all my nephews and nieces and have practically raised them all! It is not my fault that I have a supportive Dh who loves and cares for me! STop making comments about me staying home, I understand that sometimes you can feel resentful when, your having to leave your kids everyday and have no one at home to support you emotionally, BUT I know how "Fortunate" I am and am thankful for what I am allowed to stay home and do.


I then made each of them spend the day with me to see what happens during a "typical" day. I swear they have never made another comment since!!

Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is!!!

Traci

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 4:34pm
I would feel like telling your SIL that her life is such a mess that she has a NERVE to judge your life!!It sounds to me like she is really very jealous of your life!You have a good husband and aren't running around chasing guys who are losers,like she does.I bet she is jealous that you are such a good mom too!And it's funny that anyone would think that SAHM sit around all day!Let her try staying home for one week,and she will see it isn't as easy as she thought!!

HEATHER
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:32pm
She probably doesn't realize she's being offensive when she says that. I used to work outside the home, and I thought I couldn't handle sitting around all day either. Boy was I disilussioned. At work I had *mandatory* breaks, a pop and bathroom break for a 4 hr shift, a meal break for a 5 hr shift. Now I would love to be required to go on break for 30 minutes. SIL is most likely having doubts about her new boyfriend and is looking for an excuse not to go, as opposed to being offensive. Next time she says this, resist the urge to choke her, LOL and say something like "I don't think being a sahm is a good idea for you because..." then give examples about "Mr. Wonderful", what being a sahm is like, and how unhealthy this is for her dd. You also need to have a heart to heart with sil about dd's sexually inappropriate behavior. Don't worry about hurting her feelings, this situation needs to be adressed ASAP. Dh is reading this with me and he thinks sil should be the sahm at your house for a week (could you even stand the thought of it?). Let her see how much you "sit on your butt" and maybe she will realize what its like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:12am
I have a first cousin who says things like that to me. I want to keep peace in the family so I don't really say that much to her. But her favorite line seems to be, "maybe thats what i need, to sit at home and do nothing for awhile". Yeah,that would be nice. I wouldn't know how that feels. She thinks my life is like one of those sitcoms where the kids magically "disappear" when the scene doesn't call for them. Or that I always have a spotless house and any problems within the house are solved in twenty minutes. She doesn't see the days when ds is so hyper I think I will fall over with exhaustion. Or feel my aching feet at night because I haven't sit for eight hours. Or feel the frustration when I have when I have multi-tasked all day and dh can't do more than one thing at a time. Yeah I know how you feel,but in the end we know the truth so what does it matter what others think of us? I wouldn't change a thing about my life...even my aching feet...LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:35pm
I agree not to say anyhitng else to her.
If she thinks that all we do is sit and do nothing, then she can think that. But no one knows anything about something they have never done.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 4:06pm
I think Wytchy's suggestion is excellent! With people like that your best option is to either ignore them (which I find to hard myself...) or to retaliate, and her sugestion of laughing hysterically and telling her she has no idea of how to run a home (obviously!!!!) is brilliant!