Spanking & Discipline

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Spanking & Discipline
23
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:57pm

OK, I decided to do a "Spanking Thread" because I'm feeling guilty today.

How many of you spank your kids? Do you ever hit them? Do you think it's wrong to hit them? When you do it, if you do it, does it work? Do you feel guilty, or am I just a guilt-ridden person?

You might have seen my vent under Coffee Break today. I spanked my 2.5 year old twin girls at about 3 AM last night after they'd been raising the roof for an hour and a half because my DH was called in to work and they woke up. I was totally exasperated and exhausted, and wopped both of them twice hard on their cute little buns (it actually hurt my hand!). They *screamed* bloody murder. I have never hit them before. They're so little, it made me feel very guilty, especially when I woke up this morning and saw their cute, happy little sleepy faces. I thought: "How could I have hit these adorable little angels?" LOL!

I've wopped my boys on the rear end before, too, many times; but never without guilt.

Part of the problem is that I don't really know what "good" discipline is. I find that my kids are much more unruly with me than they are with my DH, despite the fact that I'm the stricter of the 2 of us. They respect him more. Maybe because I'm too hyper with them. He's much more easy-going and fun. He plays with them, tells them stories, dances with them, jokes with them, etc. Whereas it always seems like I'm yelling at them. He rarely raises his voice with them, and when he does, they *jump* because it's so unusual. I've worn out the yelling. They just blow me off when I yell now. I'm constantly resorting to threats with the boys, and now even with the girls. I count. I put them in Time Out. It seems they spend a good part of every day in Time Out. How sad is that?? I think I'm a terrible Mommy :(

I love my kids so much, and wish it could be different. Why can't we just have fun together? Why do they fight with each other so much? My boys hit each other now, and I think it's because I've hit them. Jenna has started spitting at people! My girls have also been known to bite.

I'm down on myself as a mom today. I don't seem to have a good handle on them. Four kids is so much for me. I try to have fun with them. We go to the pool, I let them do fun things, and I'm so affectionate. I'm always hugging and kissing them and telling them "I love you" and praising them. I don't understand where I'm going wrong. And it seems just plain wrong to hit such young kids. I just lost it.

Part of the problem is--I have no perspective. I can't model myself on my mom, she was a mess and hit us all the time. I tried to model myself on my MIL, but I fall short. I don't have her calm demeanor. My husband was never hit as a kid, nor were his 4 siblings, and he thinks it's wrong to hit. He knows I've spanked them, and disagrees with it. He's never ever hit our kids, or anyone for that matter (he's the one who saves spiders in jars and takes them outside, remember? The guy doesn't have a violent bone in his body). So I feel guilty for spanking because I'm going against his parenting philosophy, too, but I just get sooooo exasperated I lose it sometimes.

I think I need some words of wisdom from other mommies here. Do you spank your kids? What discipline tactics do you use that work? My kids are almost 8, almost 5 (boys), and almost 3 (twin girls). I think I've lost all control, and it's mayhem until DH walks in at night and they settle down. It makes me feel pretty worthless. What's he doing right that I'm doing wrong? Why do they respect him so much more? I know they love me, but they don't respect me; that's what I think. And here I am the stricter of the 2 of us, and the one who spanks, and does most of the disciplining, and they obey him and not me. WTF?? He can walk in and calm them down with reasonable talking, and telling them stories, and creative ways of settling their disputes, and I just don't have it in me. I'm feeling pretty discouraged about my Mommyhood right now :(

Sofia




Photobucket

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 1:33pm

Sofia,


What are you doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 1:57pm

Sofia, 4 kids is hard!! I can't imagine, these 3 are more than I can handle. And two 2yos?! Give yourself some credit. BTDT and it's hard! It can be difficult to find consistancy, sometimes you can only react, which is how spanking happens, imo.

I do not spank, only because I have in the past and I felt so guilty and it really didn't seem to work. I do the time outs, which work ok, but it's not perfect. I don't necissarily think that spanking is wrong if done appropriately, but it's not for me. I think it's too easy to resort to that out of anger (at least that's how it's happened with me) which is the wrong thing to do. And also, (sorry if I offend anyone, not judging!) spanking a child for hitting is just totally bizarre to me, kwim??

((hugs))
Erin

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:00pm

Hi Sofia;


I am in the same boat as you.

Heather

 

 

 

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:05pm
Aw Sofia you're not a terrible mommy, you're just not a robot mommy ;-). I'm like you, I was spanked as a kid, and it's so ingrained as part of parenting. That is a hard thing to break. I distinctly remember the last time I hit Caroline. I used to be one of those parents who indignantly said "I was spanked and I turned out just fine". Then I stumbled onto the discipline debate board and was lurking around. Then this last spanking to Caroline and it suddenly occoured to me, am I really "fine"? She upsets me, being three (at the time) and all, and my first reaction, my gut instinct was to haul off and smack her heiny. Suddenly it didn't seem all too fine for the way I turned out--spank in anger essencially. And if there were all these other options of disciplining and punnishing, why did I automatically resort to spanking?? Oh geez I felt awful, just like you're feeling. That being said, I'm still not wholey behind the no spanking crowd.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:23pm

I agree with PP, you're a brave woman to bring this up.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:37pm

Wow, guys! I totally wasn't trying to start debate!! I didn't even *think* about that when I posted! I wondered what Shannon meant "What are you doing?" and that I have faith in this board. I didn't even realize this was a hot topic, but of course it would be! I feel like a total idiot now. . . My apologies. I don't want to stir anything up.

Thanks to all of you for being so supportive and not nailing me.

Sofia




Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:39pm

Sofia, I am gone for a month and come back to having you doubt yourself? (shaking my mommy finger at you) lol

Okay here is my view on spanking...I have spanked my kids (What?...GAsp) j/k

To me at times it completely makes sense. If my child runs out in the street and I give him a big hug and tell him never do that again what did he learn? He learned that associating mommy hugs and running in the street go hand in hand...not a good idea in my opinion it becomes a game with them. If however I am calm and administer corporal punishment without anger my child is going to associate running out in the street with a little bit of pain and never do it again. KWIM? They might think twice about danger situations again.

That being said in any other situation I use positive parenting techniques and there are lots of great disciplining tips on askdrsears.com he is on the non-spanking side but he has some great tips for creative parenting.

I am sorry you are feeling down on yourself and think you should releive your guilt by fixing yourself the biggest ice cream sundae known to man :)

Are you a M.O.M-Mom of Many? Find other M.O.M's

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:43pm

well well well...all it took was to post something that could be considered a hot topic and looky who comes out of the wood work lol???


Where have you been lady!!! Glad to see you again, now stick around! we missed you!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:47pm
I have spanked both my boys. I do not feel I did it in a bad way, like abusive, cause most of the time it is a tap or a smack on the hand. I never take a belt to them or any object in that matter other then my hand, and even that is a pathetic option of discipline

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:47pm

(((TRACI)))!! I am soooo happy to see you!! Where have you been?? I've missed you. Please don't ever do that to us again!

And thanks for your encouragement and great words of advice (as always). You all make me feel better. . .

What it boils down to, unfortunately, is that I'm a better wife than I am a mother

So glad to have you back, Lady!

Sofia




Photobucket

Pages