Spanking & Discipline
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| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:57pm |
OK, I decided to do a "Spanking Thread" because I'm feeling guilty today.
How many of you spank your kids? Do you ever hit them? Do you think it's wrong to hit them? When you do it, if you do it, does it work? Do you feel guilty, or am I just a guilt-ridden person?
You might have seen my vent under Coffee Break today. I spanked my 2.5 year old twin girls at about 3 AM last night after they'd been raising the roof for an hour and a half because my DH was called in to work and they woke up. I was totally exasperated and exhausted, and wopped both of them twice hard on their cute little buns (it actually hurt my hand!). They *screamed* bloody murder. I have never hit them before. They're so little, it made me feel very guilty, especially when I woke up this morning and saw their cute, happy little sleepy faces. I thought: "How could I have hit these adorable little angels?" LOL!
I've wopped my boys on the rear end before, too, many times; but never without guilt.
Part of the problem is that I don't really know what "good" discipline is. I find that my kids are much more unruly with me than they are with my DH, despite the fact that I'm the stricter of the 2 of us. They respect him more. Maybe because I'm too hyper with them. He's much more easy-going and fun. He plays with them, tells them stories, dances with them, jokes with them, etc. Whereas it always seems like I'm yelling at them. He rarely raises his voice with them, and when he does, they *jump* because it's so unusual. I've worn out the yelling. They just blow me off when I yell now. I'm constantly resorting to threats with the boys, and now even with the girls. I count. I put them in Time Out. It seems they spend a good part of every day in Time Out. How sad is that?? I think I'm a terrible Mommy :(
I love my kids so much, and wish it could be different. Why can't we just have fun together? Why do they fight with each other so much? My boys hit each other now, and I think it's because I've hit them. Jenna has started spitting at people! My girls have also been known to bite.
I'm down on myself as a mom today. I don't seem to have a good handle on them. Four kids is so much for me. I try to have fun with them. We go to the pool, I let them do fun things, and I'm so affectionate. I'm always hugging and kissing them and telling them "I love you" and praising them. I don't understand where I'm going wrong. And it seems just plain wrong to hit such young kids. I just lost it.
Part of the problem is--I have no perspective. I can't model myself on my mom, she was a mess and hit us all the time. I tried to model myself on my MIL, but I fall short. I don't have her calm demeanor. My husband was never hit as a kid, nor were his 4 siblings, and he thinks it's wrong to hit. He knows I've spanked them, and disagrees with it. He's never ever hit our kids, or anyone for that matter (he's the one who saves spiders in jars and takes them outside, remember? The guy doesn't have a violent bone in his body). So I feel guilty for spanking because I'm going against his parenting philosophy, too, but I just get sooooo exasperated I lose it sometimes.
I think I need some words of wisdom from other mommies here. Do you spank your kids? What discipline tactics do you use that work? My kids are almost 8, almost 5 (boys), and almost 3 (twin girls). I think I've lost all control, and it's mayhem until DH walks in at night and they settle down. It makes me feel pretty worthless. What's he doing right that I'm doing wrong? Why do they respect him so much more? I know they love me, but they don't respect me; that's what I think. And here I am the stricter of the 2 of us, and the one who spanks, and does most of the disciplining, and they obey him and not me. WTF?? He can walk in and calm them down with reasonable talking, and telling them stories, and creative ways of settling their disputes, and I just don't have it in me. I'm feeling pretty discouraged about my Mommyhood right now :(
Sofia


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Sofia,
What are you doing?
Sofia, 4 kids is hard!! I can't imagine, these 3 are more than I can handle. And two 2yos?! Give yourself some credit. BTDT and it's hard! It can be difficult to find consistancy, sometimes you can only react, which is how spanking happens, imo.
I do not spank, only because I have in the past and I felt so guilty and it really didn't seem to work. I do the time outs, which work ok, but it's not perfect. I don't necissarily think that spanking is wrong if done appropriately, but it's not for me. I think it's too easy to resort to that out of anger (at least that's how it's happened with me) which is the wrong thing to do. And also, (sorry if I offend anyone, not judging!) spanking a child for hitting is just totally bizarre to me, kwim??
((hugs))
Erin
Hi Sofia;
I am in the same boat as you.
I agree with PP, you're a brave woman to bring this up.
Wow, guys! I totally wasn't trying to start debate!! I didn't even *think* about that when I posted! I wondered what Shannon meant "What are you doing?" and that I have faith in this board. I didn't even realize this was a hot topic, but of course it would be! I feel like a total idiot now. . . My apologies. I don't want to stir anything up.
Thanks to all of you for being so supportive and not nailing me.
Sofia
Sofia, I am gone for a month and come back to having you doubt yourself? (shaking my mommy finger at you) lol
Okay here is my view on spanking...I have spanked my kids (What?...GAsp) j/k
To me at times it completely makes sense. If my child runs out in the street and I give him a big hug and tell him never do that again what did he learn? He learned that associating mommy hugs and running in the street go hand in hand...not a good idea in my opinion it becomes a game with them. If however I am calm and administer corporal punishment without anger my child is going to associate running out in the street with a little bit of pain and never do it again. KWIM? They might think twice about danger situations again.
That being said in any other situation I use positive parenting techniques and there are lots of great disciplining tips on askdrsears.com he is on the non-spanking side but he has some great tips for creative parenting.
I am sorry you are feeling down on yourself and think you should releive your guilt by fixing yourself the biggest ice cream sundae known to man :)
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well well well...all it took was to post something that could be considered a hot topic and looky who comes out of the wood work lol???
Where have you been lady!!! Glad to see you again, now stick around! we missed you!
(((TRACI)))!! I am soooo happy to see you!! Where have you been?? I've missed you. Please don't ever do that to us again!
And thanks for your encouragement and great words of advice (as always). You all make me feel better. . .
What it boils down to, unfortunately, is that I'm a better wife than I am a mother
So glad to have you back, Lady!
Sofia
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