Stay at home, is it really better?
Find a Conversation
Stay at home, is it really better?
| Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:17pm |
I just want to know if I am the only stay at home mom that feels staying home is a small prison, in which your jailer is your 3 year old, and the warden, your husband??? I love my children, and I love my husband, but sometimes I think my life ended when I had kids and decided, by this I mean was forced, to stay home. I hate to think I'm the only one who feels this way!

Pages
I totally understand how you feel. I'm a sahm of 3 and have been for 6 years. The first 3 were rough. I had a difficult time adjusting from working mom to sahm. I had never planned on being a sahm. I worked part time after my daughter was born, but when I became pregnant with twins I, too, felt 'forced' to quit. It DID get better though. I realized that my problem was that I was an overachiever who based self-worth on grades in school, or evaluations at work, KWIM? With no one there telling me what a great job I was doing (except for my dh, who was a little biased) I had a hard time feeling self-worth.
Anyway, after a period of adjustment (a really long one, LOL) it got better. I'm proud of my decision to stay at home and know how lucky they are to have me here, and how lucky I am to have the opportunity. I think you are getting great advice, here, and hope you stick around and become a part of our community. Remember to take time for yourself whenever possible because YOU DESERVE IT!
Erin
First of all, nothing is "wrong" with you. This age we live in emphasises things like "you can't be fulfilled unless you go to work" and "without a career, you're at the bottom of the chain for real class". Once again, I can only really go by my own experience. First of all, I do like a clean house, but I use it as something that has to be done before we do fun things. This goes not only for me but for my children also. Each of my children know that before breakfast, their room has to be clean. No questions or arguements. No clean, no breakfast. This seems hard, but children are smart. They may miss one breakfast, but after that they learn that mommy means what she says!! If you have children sharing a room, the older one takes the messier half. Everything must be put in it's right place. Dirty clothes in the basket, clean clothes on the bed if they are not capable of folding them and putting them back in a drawer. I make my kids beds because I like them done a certain way but you could have them do it if you wanted. The whole reason behind this is that I don't have to nag them. Make sure breakfast is something they like, and they can miss it if they don't want to clean. If they decide to opt out of breakfast, let the room stay messy and let them miss. It won't kill them. Just smile and say, "My my stomach would be growling if it was me but I guess it's better than cleaning your room, huh?" Don't give snacks. This is to save them having to listen to you nag them and to save you wasted breath. If you've made breakfast and they still aren't done, tell them, "I'm setting the timer for 10 minutes, then I'm putting breakfast away!" Say all with a big smile. During the day, if their rooms get messy (and they will) I don't worry about it because it's going to get cleaned up the next morning. I ask them as they come to breakfast, "did you do under your bed because I'm going to check it before you eat :)" Once a week or so we tidy the shoes in the closet, tidy drawers, do deeper cleaning like that. If company is coming, we all tidy the rooms together. I tell them the Living room is mommy's room. If you want to mess a room, mess your room. I don't mind them reading a book in my livingroom, but don't spread a puzzle around my room. If they take out games, I kindly remind them that what they take out they must put away right away afterwards. If my livingroom gets a little messy during the day (and it will) I quickly pick up stuff and pile it on one chair. When the first fight happens and one comes crying to me, I smile and say "Oh Goody!! This was what I was hoping for! Someone to clean this chair! I LOVE it when you fight because it means you're bored and need something to do. Now William you put away 3 things on the chair and Wesley you put away 3 things. When you're done come tell me you're done." Then I may give them another job. Before I know it the LR looks perfect again. I do this with toys in my kitchen, toys in the back yard, shoes by the back door, whatever. They soon learn that fighting=work and you also benefit from their fighting! They must do the job right or they get extra jobs or whatever. I never pay them to clean their rooms or anything. That is part of being in our big happy family! If they are bored, I may pay them to wash windows or dust. I show them how and pay after the job is done well for the age they are at. Those are "extra jobs" not every day chores. Any child over 5 does his own laundry once a week. They do it well. It keeps our household running smoothly, makes them appreciate hard work, and makes them proud of accomplishments. I praise liberally for a job well done and sometimes take them to a park or out for icecream if everyone has contributed well that day. My children are getting to the place now that they sometimes ask what they can do to help! They do hate cleaning their rooms, but I tell them I hate cleaning the kitchen and Daddy hates getting up early to go to work but that's life so lets put on some music and do our work with a smile! Also about house cleaning, I keep a toybox in the main rooms of the house (Bedrooms and livingroom) so it's easy to chuck toys in there. It can be a nice looking lined hamper, an old yard sale metal trunk, or a wooden painted toybox. We sell toys that aren't used regularly at yardsales or give them away (I give them a couple of dollars from yardsales for their toys).
As for being house proud, that may be something that you could develop. I did. I live in the south (Louisiana) so I subscribe to Southern Living Magazine. It is the best!! It inspires me to paint a room, try a floral arrangement, or whatever. They have great ideas and you'll look at your home differently. After my main jobs are done for the day and I've decided what to do for supper, I may do some on a little project, especially if the kids are having quiet time or something. After about 7 PM I rarely do housework. It will all be there tomorrow, I have a life to live. I may putter around in the yard, get in the little 3 foot pool with the kids, or pick up a book. Once supper is cleaned up, the only other "chores" are getting the kids ready for bed. Kiss on your husband's neck as you pass him at the computer and tell him you love him. Relaxing in the evening as much as possible makes me more receptive to my husband and his needs. You will find yourself in the warmest homiest atmosphere.
Yes, discipline to me is the hardest thing about parenting. It can be very wearying. It helps me if I do it before I get frustrated or angry! If I tell them to do something, I don't tell them 2 or 3 times and then fly at them screaming. If I tell them to do it and they don't, I simply follow it up with appropriate consequences. For example, if I tell my daughter to get her nightgown on and she doesn't, I tell her, "Since it takes you so long to get ready for bed you'll have to go to bed 20 minutes early because I know it will take you a long time to go to sleep too! Now go get your nightgown on and get into bed and I'll be in in 5 minutes to turn off your light." No reason to sweat it or nag, just expect them to obey and follow it up with consequences. "Since you didn't put your bike away when I told you to, you can't ride your bike for a week. And since I had to put it away you can do something for me; you get to put away my shoes by the door". No nagging, no sweat. If they buck the system, tell them you have all day and that each time they gripe, the get extra jobs to do. Tell them when the grow up and get a job, if they gripe, their boss will fire them, so you're helping the to learn now to do a job well. Sometimes I set a timer and tell them to see if they can be done before the timer goes off. Sometimes I tell them I'll get my kitchen cleaned before they get their room cleaned. Sometimes I tell them it's their lucky night, they get to clear the table (that means putting cold things in the fridge, not on the counter, dishes scraped and in the dishwasher). Yes, you have to work with them or direct them sometimes but after a bit they'll need little assistance, then you can all sit outside and eat popsicles. And brag on them to daddy in the evening in their hearing. This does not eliminate all nagging and fighting and fussing, especially at first, but it will change the atmosphere in your home and eventually it will be your new way of life. Joke with the kids about their big muscles. IE Wow you're 4 yrs old now! I bet your big muscles can take that garbage right to that big garbage can over there! Always make a birthday a happy event but later help them know they can do more for themselves. IE Wow, your 4 now! You're old enough to learn how to button your shirt! That is wonderful! If they insist they can't, say If you button up your shirt and come show me, I'll give you a prize for 4 yr old kids who are growing up!! A little incentive is ok once in a while. Never wait till your angry to deal with a problem, recognize it in it's early stages. Disobedience is disobedience the first time as much as the 5th time you tell them. Be firm and controlled. A whispered command should mean the same as a shouted one, or more! These things help keep our household running smoothly. If I am going through pms, I try to recognize it and try to steer clear of conflict as much as possible. Buy everyone an icee and go read at the park while they play. I take women's vitamins each day and B50 for energy, and I try to get a good rest. When we tell our kids it's bedtime, we have taught them not to call out or get up. We have a little while to ourselves before bedtime. These things will make you proud of your accomplishments (And they ARE accomplishments, who else do you know that has a bunch of kids and is sane??) and very very fulfilled!
Maybe you can get some ideas from this. And finally, I DO have bad days and sometimes I know I didn't treat my kids very nicely that day and sometimes I DO feel like Oscar the Grouch. That's ok. Just do your best and keep trying! Hey, you are free! You don't HAVE to get up and be somewhere at a certain time! Nobody will mother your kids like you. No daycare will teach them what you can teach them. And one day they will thank you for your sacrifice. Have a great day!!
Now, with that being said....
Of course it gets hectic, stressful and lonley at times. That is normal and anyone who has it free of all those things must have a
Pages