Struggling with Depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Struggling with Depression
4
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:20am
Hi,I am a very quiet and private peron. I usually don't post things like this. But,to tell y'all the truth,I don't know what else to do. Last September I was diagnosed with depression. He put me on anti-depressants and they seemed to help. I was able to stop taking them in November. Shortly after that I became pregnant with our second child. I am now 22 weeks. I was happy about the baby. If fact everything was perfect. But about a month ago I started feeling burned out. Now I am just basically down an out. Don't get me wrong. I have a very good life. I have a great husband and a wonderful little boy. I guess thats why I feel so gulity. I shouldn't feel this way I should be happy for what I have. I suppose alot of it is stress. My son is 2.5 and I just started potty trainig. Everyone says he's doing good. But I feel like i should have already had him further along than he is. Plus,I have to get ready for the new baby,along with all my regular duties. We live next door to my in laws and it seems like my MIL expects me to do everything just right but without any help. When I try to talk to DH about this he gets mad and says that this is my job and he doesn't see what the problem is. My mother says that I need to get over it and just look around at what I have! Doesn't she see I am trying to do that. She justs makes me feel even more like a bade wife and mother. Which I probably am. I am embarrassed to post this but maybe some of you guys have went through the same thing. I am quickly loosing the will to do anything except sit on the couch and watch cartoons with my little boy. I don't want to do that again! What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:53am
I would talk to your OB Gyn about your depression and let him/her know how you feel. They may be able to give you something that won't harm the baby you are carrying. Bouts of depression are normal for everyone. Everyone has ups and downs. There is no reason that your dh can't help out some, even though you stay home. You are not the only one in the household. I couldn't imagine living next door to my inlaws. That has got to be stress all in itself, even if you get along with them. Take care.

Tanya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:58am
also have your o.b. check your thyroid....... that is one major cause of depression. believe me, been there done that one... i used to do nothing but cry......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:38pm
I am also a very private person, and I am usually a lurker. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with depression. It can be a horrible feeling. When I found out that we were expecting #4 in January of 2003, it was very hard.

Before we found out that #4 was due, we had discussed moving forward with the three kids and DH getting a vasectomy. Then, when my period was late, and I saw the positive test, we were shocked. It was a difficult pregnancy - emotionally. My husband literally "freaked out" on me. He was so stressed out the entire pregnancy. He worried about how we were going to get a bigger vehicle (at the time we had a Toyota Camry and the three kids were already squished in the back seat), how we were going to pay for the Nutramigen (two of the three kids needed Nutramigen), how were we going to deal with another fussy baby (all of our babies had some form of colic - and our oldest has Sesory Integration Dysfunction/ADHD), and just be able to afford another child off of one income.

Then our baby came - and my husband got it together - but I freaked out. I would suffer these horrible panick attacks at night. I cried all of the time. I couldn't think straight. I was miserable. I couldn't return back to my normal routines. I just wanted to run away. I mentioned this to my OB and he said I was suffering from Post Partem depression and he put me on medication. It did help after a while.

My baby is now over 8 months old and I feel like I have a grip on things. I have been off the medication for a couple of months now.

It sounds like you don't get very much support from your MIL. That is a hard thing to deal with. My MIL is the same way. She thinks we had too many children and I don't deserve any breaks. My mom isn't the "baby" type. She rarely helps out.

How long have you been off the medication? Have you mentioned this to your OB? One of the most trying times in a mother's life is being pregnant and trying to take care of a little one. It is more tiring to deal with pregnancy when you already have children. It is harder to take naps and take breaks when you need them.

I hope things will improve for you soon. Keep your chin up. Things will get better.

The potty training stage can be trying. My third child finally potty trained #2 within the last few months (and he just turned 4). It was a nightmare. He just didn't want to go in the toilet.

God will never give you more than your heart can bear!

Wendy (DS 9yrs, DD 7yrs, DS 4 yrs, DS 8 mos)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:15pm
You are not a bad wife, or a bad mother--you have a HUGE amount of changes going on right now, not least of which is that you were already struggling with depression going into a pregnancy! You're in the "pregnancy hump", right in the middle with not quite as long to go as you've been through--a LOT of women get really stressed at that point. It's went from something that is way down the road to something that is becoming real, and that clock starts ticking to baby day. At the same time, you've know you've still got the "big" part of your pregnancy to deal with--it's a hard place to be, we know! And no matter how "well" potty training is going, it ALWAYS hard, even when you're not feeling like crying all the time because you've got a freight train of runaway hormones coursing through you. You've been off of anti-depressants for about 6 months, and sometimes this is the point that a lot of people see symptom relapse after being off of them--and it's NOT unusual for the symptoms to seem more severe on relapse, in part because you have the "guilt" of feeling like this was already dealt with, and now it's back again, so i.e. there must be something "wrong" with you that you can't stay depression free (which by the way is a big load of poo).

As far as your mom telling you to "get over it" try to remember that this is the generation talking that thought it was a good idea to zonk women out of their gourd on valium rather than have them actually think about why they felt the way they did, or God forbid, burden anyone else with talking about it. For women in our mom's and grandmom's generations, letting people know that you were sad was just NOT something you did--it was a sign that you must be some neurotic ungrateful person...so take what she says with a grain of salt, and if it bothers you more, than gently tell her that her being disapproving when all you really need is to know that she supports you isn't really helpful, and sort of hurts your feelings... She probably doesn't mean anything bad by it though, but simply hopes that she can "fix" you, even if she's actually making you feel worse, so try not to get angry at her--it won't help you feel better to fight with your mom, after all.

The best thing I can tell you is to first of all JUST HANG ON! Don't try to deal with the next 6 months, or the next 6 weeks even--don't even try to deal with the rest of the day if that's too much! Just deal with the moment, right now, and remember that you are not a bad person, or a weak person for being sad. You're sensitive and intuitive, and just have a lot of things in transition in your life, and it's put you a little off kilter. Talk to someone--a counselor, a pastor, a good friend who won't judge. Talk to me if you want to, I really don't mind--just talk it out!! Don't bottle it up and beat yourself up in the process. That's a good way to make the problem worse, and end up with more to torment yourself with, I know!! If you have to go back on antidepressants after the baby comes and you're done breastfeeding if you do, then so be it--you're by NO means the only person in the world, hell on this message board for that matter, what has needed some help getting through to a better place and a better time in their life. No matter what great things you have in your life, it's hard to appreciate them when there's a veil of sadness hanging over you all the time--the two things are NOT always related to each other, so don't feel like you're being ungrateful for your life. You're trying to feel better, so you can be better, which tells me your family and your life with them and how YOU are FOR them is very important to you--that doesn't sound like a bad wife of mom to

me at all. Don't be embarrassed by this, or feel guilty. I promise it will get better if you just give yourself the understanding and love that you probably would give anyone ELSE with these feelings...it's just harder to give them to ourselves sometimes.

Angela