Toddler Bedtime

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Toddler Bedtime
5
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:58pm
I am at my wits ends in finding a solution for getting my 2 year old son to bed. He only will let me put him to bed (not his Dad). He has started climbing out of his crib and opening his bedroom door, coming into the hallway and saying "NO!".

If I put him back in his crib and leave, saying good night, he just does the same thing over and over again. He does not get it.

I have tried the toddler door lock devices, he can take them off the handle. I have put vaseline on the knob which keeps him in for a few minutes but he eventually opens it.

I have tried taking him into my bed, and he squirms forever or starts to get off the bed - testing me.

I have tried letting him cry for periods of time (up to 1.5 hours)and he does not give in. He just gets overtired and upset.

No matter what I do, I end of leaning over his crib, for about 30-45 minutes consoling him until he falls into his deep sleep. He cannot fall asleep on his own. Yes, I tried those systematic methods, where you let them cry for intervals of time. It worked but, only until he got sick and we let the program slip. Then it was hell all over again every month and a half, because he got sick alot.

Anyhow, as a result he is now two and hell bent on fighting me to the death on this.

I am thinking of moving him to a bed. I am sick of leaning over his crib and concerned he may injure himself climing in and out of it.

ANY experiences or thoughts you could share would be appreciated!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 10:19am
try moving him to a toddler bed or twin mattrees on the floor BUT leave the crib up and use it as a threat.... get him into the BIG BOY mode.....praise and praise how big he is getting and his big boy bed,let him pick out big boy sheets to sleep on,and maybe a big boy stuffed toy to sleep with, but let him know , if he gets out of his big boy bed, that in the crib he will go... i would also put a baby gate over the doorway so he cant roam at night..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:29pm
I have no experience in this matter, but I wanted to say I am sorry to hear you are having to go through it.
I hope he starts to sleep in his room soon and stops putting up such a fight.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:16pm
Lurker her with some experience and suggestions. We have a now 5 year old and a just turned 3 year old. We had the same type of problems you are having with our 5 year old when he was about the same age as yours is now. We ended up getting him a queen size bed and putting the box springs/mattress on the floor. We decided against the toddler bed because at least we could lay with him until he went to sleep on a larger bed and if our boys are like my DH, who is 6'6", they will be big so at least they will already have a big bed. Anyway, once we started laying with him things got slowly better. It's almost like he just grew out if it. We made sure he had his fav. stuffed animal to go to sleep with and knew we were there. I talked to our ped. and she said sometimes it just takes time for them to grow out of it. We did put a gate across his door so he couldn't wander down the stairs during the night but she also suggested that if a gate didn't work to put a screen type door on their bed room with the latches on the outside or maybe even a "country" type door that splits and just the top can be open. Once our son started getting some better, we would sit on the stairs or in the door way where he could see us and every time he'd start to cry, we could lean into the room and talk to him and reassure him that we were right there. It took a couple of months and I was ready to pull my hair out but now he is a wonderful sleeper. He's asleep within 5 min. of going to bed and I swear the house could blow away and he'd never wake up. In a way, I was the lucky one with him because he only wanted DH but I got had my turn, our now 3 year old will only have me, and has from day one. Thankfully he started sleeping through the night pretty quickly but if he's up, he wants me-no DH or anything else, just Mommy. One other thing that we did was to put a small CD player in both boys rooms and would put lullabye music on when we put them down. That seemed to help a lot-until they got so use to it they would wake up when it went off. When that started happening, the CD player went out but by that time they were going to sleep easily so it wasn't a big deal.

I hope things get better for you-I know what a drain that can be on you-especially after being home with them all day too. Good Luck

Lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 7:47pm
Ah yes, bedtime. We went through this last spring with my daughter.

Let me assure you, it is NORMAL and soon your son will be sleeping in his own room.

It's less about going to bed and more about winning a power struggle. It's not really about him sleeping but about him wanting to be where mom and dad are.

That said, the key issue is getting a gate or something to keep the little one in his room when you put him there. Don't think of it as jailing him up. Safety gates are a GOOD thing. At 2 they get plenty of ideas about wandering around at night and have no problem letting themselves out the front door if they get the chance. ;)

We were in a rental at the time this came up with our daughter and her bedroom door did not close- so we were kinda stuck with an "open door" policy ;)

Here's what our normal night was like:

Put toddler to bed. Kisses, hugs, goodnight.

Toddler climbs out of bed and comes to where Mom and Dad are.

Mom or Dad walks toddler back to room and explains: Bedtime. Goodnight.

On and on and on. Sometimes many hours past mom and dad's bedtime.

We knew that we had to stand firm but I tell you we have one girl with a STRONG will. So she pretty much wore us out before we figured out a solution.

*************************************************************************

Here's what worked:

We put up saftey gate at the door of toddler's room. When my daughter got out of bed she wasn't able to run free. With the thrill of being chased lost, her wanting to be awake lost momentum. Of course, there was the crying. She was quite angry that she wasn't free as a bird at night. But eventually she figured out that bedtime meant time to be in her room. It's not so much that she HAD to sleep but we wanted her to know she HAD to be in her room. (That's how you can start).

For a few nights, she would cry a little, play a little and then fall asleep either in her bed or on the floor. After awhile she'd just play in her bed or look at one of her books for awhile before she would fall asleep. I don't know but if I were to guess, I'd say she was more pleased that SHE got to decide when she would sleep. ;)

We moved to our new house right after she started to really get used to the idea of bedtime. She got a new bed complete with safety bedrail. She can still get in and out of bed. However, at this point she isn't too concerned with staying up.

I have moved the safety gate to the stairs now, so she can come and go as she likes into our bedroom- if she needs to in the night- but can't get downstairs while we are sleeping.

Just remember that you will can get through this. And whatever you do- DON'T slack on the bedtime no matter what. Once toddlers see you have a weakness, they will go for it!

Good luck!

Amanda







iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:53pm


The baby gate and the cd player are really good ideas. I have two suggestions.

We used a crib tent, like the one pictured at the link below. Seems like it would be a handy option for you:

http://store.babycenter.com/product/nursery/nursery_accessories/crib_accessories/1444

This link is babycenter.com. But if you are interested, I wouldn't pay the shipping if you can find it at a local retailer instead ... Babies R Us or Kids R Us ... you might find a better price ... search the web, etc. Also, Babycenter is having a sale and I have a e-coupon for $5 off ... if you want it, email me and I will forward it.

We had a crib tent from day one. The cat took a liking to the crib when it was set up just before dd was born. We weren't too concerned about that (too much else to think about) ... but my father showed up with the tent one day. Didn't even know such a thing existed. It's white mesh with a zip. It kept the cat out. The other bonus about the tent was that it preempted *any* trouble with dd escaping. (Though a handy, clever child might firgure out how to do the zip) Also, if you have a nice-looking crib, the tent is kind of clunky-looking. But it definitely does the trick, esp if you aren't ready to go the bed-route just yet.

As for the crying! Ug. So sorry. I've been there. Consider this:

The best, most sane advice I ever heard/read about sleep routines and children is also the simplest: YOU CANNOT KEEP A TIRED CHILD AWAKE. I wish I could remember which reference it was so that I could send you directly to it ... But I have never forgotten the advice and it worked well for both of my kids. When I read your post and I saw that your ds was taking so long to cry himself to sleep (1.5 hours), I thought maybe you should let him run around for another 30 or 45 minutes before you start the bedtime ritual. If you are having to fight that much of an uphill battle at bedtime, maybe he just has too much gas left.

The reference said something like ... if they are crying for more than 10 or fifteen minutes when you try to put them down, then just let them run around (or read to them) for another 30 minutes or so until you observe the unmistakeable signs of sleepiness. Yawning, eye-rubbing, crankiness ... you know what it looks like. Observing TIREDNESS is KEY. Set yourself up to succeed by getting in tune with THEIR internal rhythym and sleep requirements instead of trying to bend their biological mechanism to *your* notion of what bedtime should be. Then if you would like them to go to bed earlier, either wake them up earlier or let them nap less or run them around during the day a little more ... you get the idea.

I PROMISE this works! If you are fighting about bedtime, it doesn't have to be so! This advice also works for naps. Unfortunately, some kids are ready to give up a nap before *you* are ready for them to give up a nap ... LOL! :) But such is parenthood! And at two, I think a lot of kids still need at least one good nap during the day. So you should be okay. By the time my dd gave hers up, she could entertain herself so well that I didn't mind losing the break.

With kids, I have also found the axiom that says that 'the more they sleep, the better they sleep' is true. In other words, if they are over-tired (as you and your ds must be with your current trouble) they are more likely to sleep fitfully and wake prematurely and the whole thing becomes a self-compounding problem.

Bedtime rituals are a great thing. Quiet activity. Nothing too long! Or else it's not working. 30 minutes. 45 minutes, tops. Not so long that you are miserable. Just long enough for quieting down and bonding. I'm sure the moms here would have terrific suggestions.

For us: Bathing can be very calming ... warm water, quiet play, Johnson and Johnson makes lavendar scent for the bath that they market for parents like us (I think it make be more soothing for *you* than the kids, but hey, you count here too! Lol!). Reading is terrific ... We got a lot of those simple board books that have a row of musical buttons to the side of the text ... one button per page ... not too complicated for toddlers ... nor for parents who can't sing! My dd LOVED these and they were part of the ritual for a long time. She still likes them. Library books are good for fresh material. For ds, the hook is rocking and alone-time with mom in the big bed while dad reads to dd in her bed. (DS is very touch-oriented.) And he doesn't even object if I watch TV or read with a book light! With both of my kids ... bedtime is special time. The routines are so positive that we all (mostly) look forward to it as a kind of haven at the end of the day.

We also emphasized to dd that she was *safe*, to try and ease the separation fears. We explained and demonstrated the monitor (simply) and reassured her that if she needed us, we were *right* outside and we'd come *right* away!! No matter how often she called. She *had* to sleep in her own special bed, but we were just a call away. Then, when she called, we came (a drag at first). She had to stay in bed and we didn't stay for too long ... but we came without fail. In a short time, after a bit of testing, she was so secure that bed time was a no-stress deal and she was sleeping soundly. Some disturbances and back-slides are inevitable. But stick to your guns (compassionately) and things will improve.

Try this book for more input (it may have been the one with the advice that I mentioned above) In any case, I think it was at least somewhat helpful:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0449004023/qid=1092443517/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-8830375-9116745?v=glance&s=books

Also, I know there are collections of ideas for parents for bedtime rituals. Check the book store. Customize your routine so that everyone likes what you do. Also, there are loads of bedtime stories about bedtime, which would be a nice theme for your son at this time.

Not directly about bedtime issues, but the single best parenting book I have ever read -- I know gurus and advice are a dime-a-dozen but -- short, sweet, effective and sane advice for the first three years!:

RAISING A HAPPY, UNSPOILED CHILD by Burton L. White

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684801345/qid=1092443928/sr=1-4/ref=sr_1_4/104-8830375-9116745?v=glance&s=books

Best of luck to you!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket