Unsupportive family - need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Unsupportive family - need help
8
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:05pm
I haven't posted here in ages, but I could really use some advice. I am sahm to Sammy 7yo, and Ruby 3yo and of course the biggest "kid" my dh.
Things have just gotten out of control here and I don't know what to do. Part of it is my fault, but alot of it is DH too. We constantly bicker about housework. When I became a sahm, we agreed that I would do the "majority" of the housework but there was no reason for me to do all of it by myself. Well, we still fight about housework and I've given up. Dh says since he works there's no reason for him to do ANYTHING around the house at all. It's unfair of me to expect him to pitch in with cleaning up after dinner, cleaning the bathroom, helping Sammy with homework, etc. All things he should be doing his fair share of, even though he works.
I've done everything I know to do. I've tried bribery and rewards with the kids. I've tried yelling and screaming, praise, doing it myself, etc. Nothing works. I've cried, begged, promised or with held sex from dh, everything. Nothing changes for more than a week or 2. I've even tried chore charts, taking turns etc.
The only time I got any real help was when we were investigated by CPS for guess what? A messy house! Dh says, you managed to keep the house spotless then, why can't you do it now? Well, lets see here. I woke up at 4 am with Ruby, then a newborn and stayed awake. All I did was clean and feed the kids. I never had time to play with them or spend time with my husband. I stayed up until midnight cleaning. I was a wreck and I won't do it again. Besides it was much easier with a newborn that laid on the floor and played and took naps several times a day. Now I can't leave her for 2 seconds or she's damaging something or hurting herself.
The kids and I have just gotten over being sick off and on for 2 months. When I wasn't sick, I was taking care of sick kids and exhausted. There wasn't time for much housework. Now the house is a disgusting smelly mess, and apparently it's all my fault. Nevermind the fact DH won't take out the garbage like he always says "Oh, just bag it up and put it by the door, I'll take care of it honey." Yeah right! Never mind Sammy has special needs, she needs constant help with her homework, she is a very messy eater (1/2 due to disabilities, 1/2 due to her being a slob). Both kids trash this house day and night and refuse to pick up a thing. 90% of thier food ends up on the floor, they won't help clean it up. They have broken crayons and markers everywhere, torn books broken toys etc. I am not the maid, I will not do this myself when there are other able bodies that can do it with some guidance.
Right now, we're doing a marble jar. The girls earn marbles for doing good things, lose marbles for doing bad things. Yesterday, dh yelled at them constantly while they cleaned the livingroom, they were being lazy, not working hard enough etc. He was right, they tried everything not to clean. Guess what? They got a marble!? Then I was on the phone, he told Sammy to "beat up mommy" as a joke. He knows I struggle with them pestering me nonstop, especially on the phone. Guess what? She earned a marble for LISTENING to him!?
Thier behavior has also been quite horrible. I'm literally dreading being home with them all summer. Yet, dh is undermining me constantly by doing things like this. I don't understand.
Now, some of this is my fault. I did refuse to clean for the longest time. Didnt' vacuum, do dishes or anything. Dh and I sat down and agreed we would work together to get the house clean and decluttered. I started the kitchen one day (spring cleaning every surface) and had to stop when the girls got home, Ruby goes to speech 2 hrs a day while Sammy is at school. He promised to help me, then screamed and yelled at me a few weeks later when I expected him to follow through. He said "I never intended to help you, I just wanted you off my back. It's not my job to take care of kitchen, you are so lazy and stupid sometimes." BTW, he VOLUNTEERED to help me fix the kitchen.
We're packrats and have crap everywhere including hte garage. DH informed me we can get some storage bins and have the house organized and cleaned in 6 months or so! No way, I'm at the end of my rope. I will not wait 6 months to have this house together. I can't live like this anymore. If I rearrange furniture, reorganize or anything he doesn't like, I get yelled at. He has 3 shelves full of knick knacks that have been dusted 1 time in the 4.5 years we lived here. I cleaned them then got yelled at for touching his things and not putting them in the right spot. There is no room for any of my knick knacks anywhere, nobody owns a dresser, and he especially has old dirty, torn worn out clothing taking up space that he won't fix or get rid of. He complains i care more about the house than him or the kids if I try to anything besides regular housework when he's home. I can't deep clean or organize anything, because I'm being selfish and putting my needs before the family's. Don't I have needs too??
I can't live like this any longer. We don't have much space, it's cluttered and filthy here. It's so bad, our friends won't come and visit anymore. If this doesn't change soon, I might leave him. Of course, having no job or $$, means I would have to leave my kids here too. I can't do that to them. I don't see and end or solution in sight.
Ok, if you've made it this far, thank you very much. What should we do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 3:24pm

I'm sorry I don't have any advise for you but I do have tons of hugs to send to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 4:04pm

Flylady to the rescue!!!!


I first want to say that I can feel your stress through your post. Before you do anything else today...and I know you have tons to do...go get yourself a nice hot cup of tea or whatever makes you happy. Put on a movie to keep the kids occupied then come back and read the rest of this......(seriously)


Okay, are you back? Read this little bit from one of my favorite websites...


Are YOU living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) like Franny in the pink sweats? Do you feel overwhelmed, overextended, and overdrawn? Hopeless and you don't know where to start? Don't worry friend, we've been there, too.


Step through the door and follow FlyLady as she weaves her way through housecleaning and organizing tips with homespun humor, daily musings about life and love, the Sidetracked Home Executives (SHE™) system, and anything else that is on her mind.


When you join FlyLady, you will receive daily FLYmail. Your FLYing Lessons will guide you through babysteps to help you set up routines, get rid of your clutter, and put your home and life in order. FlyLady's approach has worked for thousands. Join anytime you want (there is no cost involved)! You are not behind - you are just getting started! Read FlyLady's personal testimony in WhyFly? Don't be overwhelmed by all the material on this site - take it a little piece at time - baby steps. To get started, check out the FLYing Lessons - it will tell you how to begin. You can have this peace too, and it won't cost you a dime!


Sound good? I have used this system for over 8 months now. I swear to you it will work if you follow the baby steps. When you sign up for flylady you will get email that tells you what to do. It also makes it fun to do. There are things like the "27 fling boogie" where you run through your house with a trashbag and pick up 27 things and just throw it out...you are not allowed to re-think what you have done...just throw it away. You also do this with things that can be donated and I have given away tons of "stuff" going to people who could really use it.


Please take your time with the flylady website...I know it can seem overwhelming at first but take babysteps and you can do it!! Oh and when you get the email just delete the testamonials...they are clutter! lol


http://www/flylady.net


p.s. with the husband thing I think there comes a point where you just have to do it yourself. Is it fair? Heck no!!! But if you get the house de-cluttered and get it cleaned up it will make YOU happier. Work on yourself first then we will tackle the kids and Dh :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 4:40pm

Great big (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you!!!!


Personally I would tell everyone to kiss my butt and they either clean up their own crap or it gets thrown away... but then again I'm pregnant and VERY hormonal right now. Still, honey ain't no way I would stand for that! I certainly wouldn't stand for DH treating me that way.


Now for me to chill out and give some real advice... Definitely check out flylady like Traci suggested.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 5:24pm

Hi I am new here and really haven't posted much, but I can totally understand your dilemma. I am a sahm of three 8, 5, 2, and one more on the way. My husband traveks and isn't home everynight. The flylady things sounds great, but I can tell you what I have done. First I went through all my kids stuff and got rid of everything broken. Then I let them each pick out 3 stuffed animals a piece. I got rid of doubles of things, and paired down the barbie's, who needs 25 barbies! Then I put toys that my youngest has grown out of and stored them away. I found out that they didn't need so many toys, and I invloved them in picking out toys to donate. I got rid of nearly SEVEN huge lawn size trash bags of toys and stuffed animals, and they don't miss it. Then I picked up a bunch of clear bins and put the toys in those that way the kids can see what they need. I still have a toy box for large toys like dump trucks and babydolls, but using the clear bins eliminates them dumping all the toys out of the toy box. I will also rotate toys and keep some in a closet and trade them out every so often so they seem new. When it came to my older kids and cleaning up I usually try to make it a game, but hey my house is lived in and there are toys and stuff around. When it gets bad I will take the things away and they will have to earn them back by doing an extra chore. I invlove them in everything, cooking, folding laundry, ect... I found out that they enjoy helping me and so what if the towels aren't folded nealty. It can be hard to stick to a schedual, but maybe try the chart system. If they do good everyday put a sticker on the chart nad if they fill the chart they get a special treat at the end of the week.
It took me awhile before I got a cleaning routine down, but I try to do a few things each day, like dusting one day along with vacuming and a load of laundry, but don't stress out about it. I can tell you that I hadn't washed my floor is forever and if weren't for Easter dinner at my house I prob wouldn't have done it yet,lol.

As for your husband, well my hubby is no treat all the time, but it sounds like your dh needs a reality check. I was so frustrated with my husband at one point that I stopped doing everything for him, didn't do his laundry, didn't cook him dinner, no sex, and I parked the trash behind his van. He got pissed, but after a week, he got the picture. Yeah his job pays the bills, but being a mom is a FULL TIME 24/7 JOB. And comunication is important too. My dh will cook on the weekends when he is home and will take the kids out to pick up milk to give me a break, but it wasn't always that way, and it took awhile for him to understand. I would here crap like its my house I pay for it I work all day, blah blah blah. I decided when I was at the end of my rope that I would find a way to survive without him, and I made a plan. I made arrangments with a relative to stay with then got all the info i could on assistance(welfare) and housing and daycare vouchers and any program that would help a singal mom. I had it all planned out and sat him down and showed him that I would leave and survive without him. Well that scared the crap out of him and he made a turn around, it wasn't overnight, but he knew I was dead seriouse. I don't think that he thought I would be able to get on in life without his support! I would rather have nothing and be happy with my kids and sanity then to be supported by a man who treated me like crap. Sorry for rambling, but I feel for you, and from what I can see this board seems to be great! I hope you are able to find peace of mind. And remember to take care of YOU!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:33pm
Thank you everybody for your advice. I really appreciate it. I'm going to check out flylady and I'll keep you all posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:13am
Well I don't have any advice to offer bc it sounds like you got some great advice from the ladies already! I will just offer big ((hugs)) and a sympathetic ear anytime you need one! My DH can be a pain, too -gee can you imagine that, lol! We've all had similiar situations so just come here if you need to vent!
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:23pm

I'm sorry but I can't think of anything good to say but good luck...You turned me off when you wrote the CPS was investigating you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 7:42am

I certainly don't think you need to do it on your own!! And it doesn't sound as if your dh could care less about it... I think you need to plan your day.... A set routine.. Both your kids can help too!! You need to find some other way of looking at it.. Maybe set a date to start over, start your routine..Maybe once the kids start their summer break, set up new house rules....NO TV, NO GAMES, NO FRIENDS over until we get this this and this done... Especially with your children they cant get any MORE toys out till the others are picked up!! I have 3 children(I didn't do this with the older two until my youngest was about 3-4) and they now pick up their toys before they get more out or go do something else. I do have to remind them and I get moans and groans but they do it.... On days that I have a hard time doing things or getting them to do things--I set the kitchen timer for 30min.. and thats how long we have to clean... set the timer for 30 mins again thats play time....and so on... My kids Clean their room once a week--I had to go in and clean with them, showing them where everything goes and how to clean... and I help out everynow and them.. THey must put their clothes away to after i fold them. they help with sweeping, mopping(the floors are always sopping wet when they do it--LOL) vacumming picking up the front rooms and my oldest dd(10) helps with the laundry and dishes... I just started having my son whos 9 help with the dishes.

Hugs to YOu

angela