Unsupportive moms

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Unsupportive moms
16
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 9:58pm
Anyone else have other moms/women tell you your next child will be a terror b/c your 1st, 2nd etc. is so good?

My son is a happy boy, outgoing and other than typical toddlerhood issues, a dream child. I don't know if it's a chance to rain on my parade or what, but SOOOOOO many moms (too many to count) have told me that my next child is going to be a terror b/c I've been so lucky w/ the first. They say things like: "oh don't think your next one will sleep so well", or "Your next one won't be so loving and cuddly".

I'm just plain frustrated and disappointed that women are saying negative things like this when I believe we should all stick together and try to build one another up!

My mom says to ignore them, and I know that's the best thing; and I try to ignore the comments and put them out of my head...but I just have to know if anyone else has gone through this or if I just have a sticker on my head that says "Tell me how awful my other kids will be!!"

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:00pm
This is my 4th pg and I always heard that when I was pg....I think it is just one of those old wives tales that people believe in. I would just let those comments roll of your back and ignore them.

Kim

EDD July 25th w/baby girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:23pm
BWAaaahhaaahhaa....he'll be a terror!! roflol. i heard this all the time when i was pregnant, and while they WERE all right in my case, it was still annoying to hear. i think what they're trying to get across is the huge differences between kids, and what a challenge it is to go from a mom of 1 to a mom of 2 or more. not to defend them or anything, but in a few months you may find yourself saying something disturbingly similar to another mom. my best friend and i have first kids 6 weeks apart, and then 2 years later she had another one. after she had her 2nd i got pregnant with mine, and for the whole pregnancy i couldn't stand her! she was forever telling me how hard it is to have 2, and how you never get any time alone with them, and how you're always torn when they both cry at the same time, and how the 2nd one is always terrible b/c they never get that one-on-one attention like the 1st did. i was so irritated that all she did was rain on my parade! but know what? as soon as i had my 2nd i was calling her up every day saying "omg, how do you do this? this is sooo hard! i never get any time alone with dd or the baby! he's absolutely horrible, all he does is scream!! (he had colic for 5 mo!)" now when i talk to moms of one with another on the way i swear to god i'm tempted to say "o honey, your life is about to CHANGE!!" so try to take it with a grain of salt, and realize that once you have that second one you may find you have alot more in common with them than you thought, lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:54pm
Clarity...

I had to tell you, I sat here and laughed for what seemed forever after reading your post!

The very same thing happened to me. With first ds I swear he never got to sleep on his own, I clearly remember he only feel asleep 4 times by himself from the time he was newborn to 6 months old. I was completly obsessed with him. He was and is an abosolute Angel.

My husband and I used to go home after dinner with my sister and just talk about how we would never let our kids act the way hers does. Our ds would sit like a little man at the table and you would swear he had taken charm classes, he was so perfect.

Well now we know better! Our now two year old had horrible colic till he was about 6 months old, he had allergy problems, and just bounces off the walls. He is our little dictator and bosses everyone around! Now when we go to restraunts with youngest ds we feel like wearing those big glasses with nose disguises! LOL

To the first poster I hate to tell you but everytime I see a mom with a child and one on the way, I'm thinking...Oh god, she has NO idea what is about to happen..someone should warn her..lol.

I of course try hard to keep opinions to myself but you just gotta grin and bear it.

I wish for you a happy uneventful delivery and for all those mamma's to keep it to themselves!

Traci

Are you a M.O.M-Mom of Many? Find other M.O.M's

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:22am
I know exactly what you are dealing with. I get those comments almost on a daily basis. My dd has slept through the night since 4 weeks old. She has had 1 cold, and 1 fever in her 11.5 months of life. She eats well, and hardly ever cries. Everyone comments on how quiet and sweet she is, and I am in for it because my next will come out with devil horns and a tail. It makes me FRURIOUS!!!!

While EVERYONE is entitled to thier opinon, it is extremly frusterating to be excited about the upcoming #2, and have every stranger you pass make some sort of rude comment.

The funny thing is, I received all sorts of comments when I was pregnant about the "horrors" of pregnancy, and delivery... you know, how so and so had to practically be put under, and epi's don't work, 46 hrs of labour, the most horrendous pain in the world, bla bla, bla. I went into labour expecting the most misserable time of my life, and you know what??? It was great. 6 hrs labour start to finish, 3 pushes, no drugs, no stitches.

Maybe some people can't handle stressful situations as well as others. Let that be thier problem, and don't let them take it out on you. I've stopped entertaining them, and just tell them that I'm sorry that they had such a miserable experience with thier children, and I hope I don't feel that way about my new child when he/she arrives.

The other thing is, obviously we knew having baby #1 our lives would be different, and having additional children, OF COURSE it's going to be different. It's a whole different dynamic, we're not stupid... we know it's a whole new ballgame, let us discover how we feel, without being put under a constant shadow of doom and gloom.

Good luck.

Lesley

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:22am
I know exactly how you feel! My ds who is 16 1/2 months is the sweetest baby. It's not only the women that tell us this, but the men too. It is so bad for us that my husband has decided that he doesn't want anymore children. He will agree to one more because we agreed before we got married, but he doesn't really want anymore. He's afraid the next will be a "dud" as he puts it. It does get annoying, but I try not to let it bother me. I just wish my dh could ignore it to. Everytime someone says this to us he says "see, we don't need any more children".

Tanya
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:51pm
Tanya,


Please tell your dh that my dh and I were the same way...oh gosh we are in so much trouble with the next one. Well you know what? We were right! LOL But to imagine a life without our little one is unimaginable! He is completely different from his brother, but he is a competly differnt person. Everyone is unique and hey, I am a second born, and I did not turn out so bad.

Good luck I know your dh will be the same when you have another one!

Traci

Are you a M.O.M-Mom of Many? Find other M.O.M's

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:55am
You know alot of women and men say these things because, quite honestly, it's hard to go from one to two kids. People have a tendecy to forget it's hard and it's not that the 2nd kid is horrid. I have four kids now and I had the hardest time going from one to two.

Don't worry about it too much. Chances are the second baby will be different, but heck aren't we all. After about 6 months you get use to having more than one the same way you got use to having one, and it don't seem too bad.

My first was queit and reserved, my second out-going and loud, my third a unstopable bundle of energy and my fourth an over concerned clean freak. They are all different and that's what makes them great.

Now if someone could tell me how to get the gum out of the rug, I would love them.

Frogg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:26am
Thanks! It never occured to me that it may be the experience of going from one to two that the women are remembering as "bad" and not the second kid. This puts it into a new perspective for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:01pm
My second child is one and I have this problem. He is a very good baby. My first was the challenge who didn't sleep through the night and worried me by being slightly behind developementally as a baby/toddler. Now she is a little diva and actually an advanced preschooler as far as milestones physically and school-wise but she didn't catch up until last year. My second child is very mellow, slept through the night very fast, and barely cries. I know a lot of babies and kids, was raised around them my whole life and I can safely say that I have not met a baby happier and calmer than my ds. He is also considered advanced milestone wise so it's a different feeling for me not to worry about his developement the way I did the first time around.

I was expecting another child like my first when I was pregnant and stressing out about how I was going to manage and honestly it has been much easier than I ever, ever, thought. In fact we were only planning for two because I didn't think I could handle three but now we are thinking of three. Some friends of mine have told me that they don't want to burst my bubble but that when my son becomes a toddler he will change and be a holy terror. I realize children change and go through stages, my dd is 4 so I am familar with the toddler years. Aside from the normal stages, my ds would have to have a complete and total personality change to turn that way. My friends assure me he will.

To be honest I don't believe it and it bugs me that they say it all the time. I almost get the feeling they wish he *would* turn out bratty.

As far as the pregnancy goes I had 2 c-sections, planned and unplanned. Even the unplanned one, while a little scary because we needed to get my dd out asap, was wonderful. My second c-section was planned and it was fabulous. I was able to clearly enjoy the moment because I was not in pain and I remember every detail. I was as happy and calm as my dh and we were able to really share the moment. Before I had my child all I heard was how I would be depressed because of being robbed of the birth experience and I would have a painful month long recovery. I have never missed the traditional birth experience and I was completely off meds by 5 days post-op. The experience was wonderful, my pain never ever went over a '3' on the pain scale and I was walking the next day, requested to go home a day early, and was getting around the same as my friends who delivered vaginally. They were amazed I was doing so well and tried to tell me to lay back in bed but my Dr said I was doing great and walking was okay if I felt like it, just don't strain. So I think you are right, it all comes down to perception of stress. Good luck!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 6:08pm

Grinnin'. Not so much that as what we all say now - for the kids who are tough now, we're hoping for easy adolescence, or if they're easy now, we're fearing the teen years.

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