UPSET - I need help / advice PLEASE!
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| Sat, 09-18-2004 - 7:23pm |
My husband and I don't fight very often, but he complains a lot and it just went way to far and now I am extremely upset. He is a NEAT FREAK and I can't seem to make him happy anymore. He says that I never do anything around the house and I feel like I never stop. My friends agree with me in that my house is sooooo much cleaner/more organized than all of theirs so much to the point that they know he complains about ours so NONE of them want him to ever see theirs. He agrees that I take care of the kids, but that is part of his complaint. He says that I do everything for the kids, but nothing for him. He said that I do NOTHING for him and I do NOTHING to benefit him and he said that he BENEFITS me in every way because he pays all the bills. He is the one that finally agreed to let me quit and he LOVES the fact that I am off all evenings, Holidays and most of all every weekend, but in our argument he threw that in my face.
What am I supposed to do?? I feel lost and now totally unneaded by him. I am worthless.
Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beth - SAHM to Lauren (5) and Noah (4)

Let me tell you this is the opinion I have formed from reading your message:
Your dh is using all of those complaints as excuses. It is going to sound cliche, but the house will never be clean enough and you will never do it all right. I really honestly think he is hiding behind those complaints instead of bringing up whatever it is that is his real problem.
And as far as he pays the bills and you benefit from it, you are providing childcare for 2 kids. Last time I checked, the cheapest you can pay someone to do that is about $180 per week. And that is in low wage areas. I'm not really sure what he means by not getting any benefit from it and don't want to dig into your personal life about that. I know some moms can be guilty of getting caught up and exhausted with all of the job of being a mom and being a wife slides a bit, but I have no clue where your relationship is in that aspect.
Do not let him make you feel worthless. Have confidence in what you are doing. There will always be people who make themselves feel better by criticizing others.
I know this can be hard to do in real life, or without a counselor to guide you, but can you both sit down and discuss the problems in a conflict mediation format? Basically, each person gets up to 5 min, without interruption, to give their "story". Use "I" statements, describe your feelings about the situation, etc... (As in, I like to have a clean house, but I need to balance that with spending time with the children. It is important to me that I read to them and play games with them every day", "I feel very hurt when you criticize the way I keep the house") Then, try to rephrase back what the other person has said so you can get a clear understanding. Then try to brainstorm solutions to the problem. Once you have agreed upon a solution, "shake hands", and follow through. This should not take more than 30 min and should be focused on the immediate problem, so you don't get mired in past grievances while trying to solve this one issue. You can go back at a later time to discuss how the solution is working and if it needs to be modified. The rules are that you do not interrupt, you give each other opportunity to respond, you speak respectfully, and avoid pointing fingers. There is more to conflict mediation than this, but it has been 8 years since I took the course in college. I think this is a good start though.
If you and your husband cannot calmly resolve the conflict, you might want to ask a counselor to help you (could be your pastor, priest, close friend, professional counselor, or anyone you feel can remain impartial and keep the resolution process moving).
Of course, if all else fails, call Dr. Phil! LOL just trying to lighten it up a bit.
(hugs) It stinks having a fight with your dh
Dolli
New and improved siggy coming soon (which could mean after Christmas)
I am beginning to feel like he wants a slave, not a wife. I have only been a SAHM since Mid-may so I don't know if this is a new way of thinking on his part or if I have just missed all of the signs and he has always felt this way.
I am a great mom, but I admit I am not the greatest wife and probably never will be, but I try.
I am an extremely picky eater so it is very difficult for me to cook because I don't like the smells of alot of things and I definitely can't taste things to make sure they taste o.k. I usually fix him something, but it's not usually a full-course meal. Like the other day I bought one of those crock pot meals and so all I had to do was stick it in the crockpot. Then I added some rolls. I think he expects me to have a full-course meal ready for him everyday when he comes home. Plus he made the comment that we don't always sit down and eat as a family. Do you know how hard that is?? #1 - I never know exactly what time he will be home and of course he usually doesn't call to tell me. #2 - the kids and I don't like what I feed him so a lot of times since I have to make several different things it is just easier to feed them first. #3 - when we do sit down he complains about something. usually the kids making noise or not eating. #4 - some nights my dd has cheerleading or dance or something going on at school so I have to have them fed. I am trying though. My neighbor is a great cook. We have been trying to work out the details, but the just of it is she is going to make full meals that I can freeze and then either stick in the oven or microwave and VOILA! a meal. I think I should get some credit for admitting that I can't cook and trying to figure out an alternative.
I have had NO sex drive since the kids. If it was up to me I would never, ever have sex again so I have to force myself to have sex with him. He wants it every night, but I just can't do that and he doesn't seem to understand. He said that if I don't want to have sex with him then I don't love him. That couldn't be any further from the truth I love him with all my heart, but I just can't flip a switch and put myself in the mood.
I clean the house ALL the time, but like you said it will never be enough. He actually made me a list the other day that was waiting on me when I got back from the grocery store. On the list had all the closets including the toy closets. Who has to have a perfect toy closet?? I have even created a room just for toys... A TOY ROOM...and there can't be any toys out or he throws a fit. For example one thing that was driving him crazy was my five year old throws her shoes in her closet. I feel lucky that they are in there. He wants her to have them neatly placed on the floor in a row. Isn't that a little to much?? Isn't that a neat freak??
Also, I am not the healthiest person. I get headaches ALL the time and they can't figure out why/ I have extreme back pain, but the Doctors think that is because of the weight that I gained when I was pregnant. I gained about 75 for each and I actually pulled my lower lumbar muscle when I was pregnant for my son. Also, I was just diagnosed with Planterfaciatis of both feet so every step is painful and I am now in therapy. I can't help it. He makes fun of me and says that he is married to an old woman. He has NO sympathy and I am walking around in a lot of pain every day and some days I feel lucky to have made it through the day. Does he think that I choose to feel this way?? I cry sometimes and ask God to at least give me one day that I could feel good again. I haven't felt good since before the birth of my first child and she is almost six. I don't complain a lot...I just deal with it.
So I really don't think that sitting down and talking about it would do any good because he is very sarcastic and stubborn.
Thanks again for listening.
Beth
Really, he's got some problems and reading your message to me made me cringe. I came very close to being engaged to a guy who criticized me a lot and made me feel much less worthy and deserving of respect than I am, and I sometimes think about that close call and shudder.
I am sorry to be so frank and harsh but you really deserve to be treated with more respect and caring. What you describe is very selfish thinking and behavior on his part.
SAHM does not equal slave.
I simply don't know what else to add but
(HUGS)
because you sound like you need them.
Dolli
New and improved siggy coming soon (which could mean after Christmas)
Beth,
I am so so sorry this is going on. I just read all of the messages to this post so please forgive me if I am off base but here is my opinion...
It really sounds to me like your marriage is in real trouble. You probably know this though in your heart. Some things you said struck me...First I think his being picky about the house is his way of having control over SOMETHING in the household. It is totally completely wrong of him but something people do quite often. The human mind is so complicated of course, but it sounds as if this is the only way he feels he can get a reaction out of you, and to him a passionate reaction of something, anything to him is better than nothing.
I also got that he is begging for attention, he even wanted you all to eat dinner together as a family, but he is also being selfish by expecting you to be able to pull it off all the time. I would if at all possible, even if you have to cut back on the kids activities, and everyone eat a different meal that
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I have a question for you. You said that you have 2 kids and you became a SAHM just this May. How did you divide the work when you were still working? Did dh help? Was the house really cleaner then? Or does your dh have unrealistic expectations because he thinks you have all this extra time? It seems like to me that he wants you to be June Cleaver, but that is TELEVISION. Not real!
Your husband needs to be move loving and not so judgemental. I myself am a neat freak, but I am just happy if my dh doesn't leave stuff for me to pick up after him. When my dh does something around the house or for my son I know he isn't going to do it the way I do it, but I am just happy that he tries.
ONe of the previous posters was right on target. You will not be in the mood if all you hear is criticism. When I feel unappreciated I write down everything I did that day and show it to my dh. Maybe you should try this and see if it gets your point across.
YOu both need to take some time alone together and have a long talk. You need to find out exactly what he expects of you and he needs to know what you expect of him. When my dh and I got married, our preacher made us read the book "Five Love Languages". We actually bought the book on tape and listened to it. It helped us realize that the way we show love is not neccessarily the way our partner does. THerefore, you don't realize all that your partner is trying to show. I don't remember the name of the author and we are moveing and the book is packed, but when we get moved and unpacked if you would like it I will look it up for you.
One more thing. When my dh complaines about the way I do something I tell him to do it himself. That ususally shuts him up fast. For example, my dh hates the way I do laundry and will compain when something is wrinkled. I said, "if you don't like the way I do it then do it yourself." He then said, "Oh, like I have the time." Me, "Then don't complain or I won't do yours (laundry) anymore."
Good luck!
Tanya
Dh hasn't ever seriously complained about things, but has made some comments that irked me. So I made a deal with him. I asked him to take 2 days off at some point and be "me" for 2 days. He was in total agreement. I worked it out so that they were 2 of the busiest days of the week (you could even just do one day). I have more than one day of the week where I need to be in two places at one time!
So anyways, I laid the ground rules: 1. all meals that were served had to be "healthy", and different (i.e. couldn't do chicken fingers every day and had to make sure they ate their veggies, no abundance of treats for the day); 2. he had to make healthy lunches for the two that go to school; 3. he had to interact with those that were home (i.e. adhere to the 1 hour of tv a day, couldn't be on his PC all day long, etc.); 4. no one could be late to an activity, or late being picked up; 5. the potty training one couldn't have any accidents; 6. don't forget baths and brushing their teeth... etc.
I found things to do so that I was gone pretty much the whole time, otherwise I knew I would pitch in...I browsed at the mall, went to lunch with a friend, exercised, went and saw a movie, just sat in a quiet place and read a book (hadn't done that in years!), I even spent the night with a friend...etc.
I didn't say a thing about cleaning...wanted to see if he would find the time to do any on his own.
The result...?? He was flabbergasted when I returned and the 2 days were over. He is normally really good about pitching in when he is home, but had never realized all that I do around here all day! And the house? There were dishes in the sink and lots of toys lying around. He said "Sorry for the mess...when do you find time to clean?" before I even asked about it or made a comment. Other comments "You should hire a taxi service so you don't spend so much time in the car!" "How do you come up with a variety of tasty meals they will eat?" (my kids are NOT picky eaters either)
BTW...I have 3 children. My 11 year old daughter is on a gymnastics team, and has to be at workouts 4 weekdays a week. She also goes to CCD one night week. My 8 year old son plays football, and has practice 3 weekdays a week, games 1 day a week and goes to CCD one night a week (different night than my daughter). My 3 year old son goes to preschool 3 half days a week, and plays soccer 2 days a week (one day practice, one day scrimmages). In between there, there are school meetings, gym meetings, play dates and I go to bible study one morning a week. I picked 2 days when almost all of these activities occur!
Boy did it work. Now I know that he knows I don't just sit around watching soap operas all day! If you can get him to try it, I know it will work. They are clueless to how busy our days are...
Good luck.
Kim