What would you do?
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What would you do?
| Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:40pm |
Just looking for some input on this situation. I had a co-worker back when I was going to college that I have kept in touch with via Christmas cards. I haven't seen her in almost 12 years and wasn't even really friends with her. She has always sent birthday and anniversary cards to me and now that we both have kids, she sends them money for their birthdays. While this is really nice, I find it somewhat annoying because I feel like I need to send something for her kid's birthdays. She usually sends a card with $5 or $10 and I always feel like I need to send something different, rather than just sending a card with money. My kids just had their birthdays and now hers are coming up. Should I just send money or should go buy a small gift? I'd like to somehow stop the cycle, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What would you do?

I dont think you should continue this cycle if you are not comfortable with it.
Have you tried sending her a letter explaining to her how you feel about this?
That maybe cards are fine but anything more is just not acceptable?
I do think you should say something.
Good luck.
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In light of your description, I'd say sending money to your kids is overkill and inappropriate. While this woman *may* have the best of intentions and a generous heart, she clearly has either read too much into your (PAST) relationship and/or she is an overachiever at staying connected/attatched.
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Whatever personal issues compel this woman to cling to long-faded relationships (that never were there in the first place) or to seek to buy the approval of people she hasn't seen in 12 years, I think ... you can decline to participate with a clear conscience. You are not crazy to want to save your energy (and your $$) for more genuine connections. And you shouldn't be hijacked onto the gift-train for the sake of manners. What she is doing is probably not considered 'proper' -- making people feel awkward and obligated is no part of good etiquette. And what's the point of swapping $10 bills, anyway?
Couldn't you just limit this relationship to sending a holiday card (which isn't a big deal if you already do a big holiday mailing)? That seems more natural for this kind of 'acquaintence past' -- kind of fun in a what-ever-happened-to-Jane? kind of way without being a burden.
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She'll live. Don't overestimate your power to hurt her. It seems like you'd feel
better letting it go. Life is too short to waste time and effort on these so-called 'obligations'. And it's hard enough to keep the gift-giving time and expense to a reasonable level with the people that you DO have relationships with. If it was me, I'd just send her a nice card with a thank you ("you are TOO kind to think of us after all of these years. You shouldn't have!") and leave it at that.
Loving your response!
Wendy
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can give myself almost as much consideration as I give to everyone else. And only now because taking care of my family is so demanding that I am too exhausted to care if people like me all of the time anymore. ME time? What's THAT? If something is taking my time and energy, it better be important. Some of these silly commitments are like demented ducks pecking the crust of bread from my starving lips.
When it comes to gifts, I think that $10 or $20 will usually do a lot more good in my savings account for 18 years than it will ever do as a minor token (of what?), forgotten in a day or a week. If it helps you maintain a valued connection, then maybe it's worth it. But $250,000 times however many kids you have (for college) is a sobering thought. As is retirement. If we had that kind of dough, we wouldn't have a mortgage! :)
We are all sooo busy, it's usually the personal connections that people crave and value most. Gifts are a poor substitute in any relationship where that is lacking.
Just thinking out loud. Don't mind me!
Edited 11/9/2004 12:31 pm ET ET by donachiara