what is wrong with my husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
what is wrong with my husband?
12
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:37pm
Ladies please help!!! My husband is such a jerk lately. He honestly feels that since I stay at home there should be nothing left to do when he gets home from work. He feels he should never help put away laundry, clean up after dinner, pick up his underwear off the floor- nothing!!!! Literally the only thing he EVER does is mow the lawn. He travels out of town every other week for the entire week. He actually says that since he makes all the money I should take care of everything else. I balance the checkbook, handle all mail, do all shopping, take care of my beautiful 2 year old son all alone. He is in Canada on a company paid fishing trip right now and he hasn't even called since Friday to check in- (he's at a resort, not in the wilderness). Did I mention I also am self-employeed and work from home. I just make so much less than he does that doesn't matter to him. He doesn't even appreciate the fact that my paycheck has bailed us out plenty of times. Please help! Will this only keep getting worse? How do I gain my self-respect back. He does seem to love his son, but he is an absentee father... Should I hang in there?
Also- I have to actually beg him to change a lightbulb I can't reach or do any household repairs. He won't even call his siblings on their birthday without me having to physically hand him the phone and make him do it. Is he dead inside or what??????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:06am

My husband and I went through that off and on for a long time. After my son was born I stayed home and took care of most everything. Then money got tight and I went back to work. DH still had it in his head that even though I worked a full 40 hour week that I should still cook, clean, bathe the kids, and do EVERYTHING else. His opinion was that because he was still the major breadwinner that everything else was my job. What was funny was that, yes, he works 13+ hours a day but he only worked three or four days a week. I would come home at seven at night and he would be sitting on the couch, Noah wouldn't be cleaned, dressed or anything and he hadn't cleaned up anything. I would have to do the dishes, clean the kitchen and then cook dinner, then give Noah a bath, put him to bed and clean the rest of the house up. It was soooo frustrating and we fought a lot. Finally I quit my job again. It made things easier for a while but then he started acting like my needs weren't important anymore because I wasn't working. I felt like he thought I was useless because i wasn't bringing in money. After a month of this new attitude I couldn't take it anymore and I left. We fought and we threatened divorce and the whole nine yards. Then we got over the hump and started talking and decided that we wanted to work things out. I came back home and after that things were drastically different. Even though sometimes he has his moments we've been very happy and I think it was because he saw that I wasn't going to take that attitude from him. I'm not encouraging you to leave your husband, I'm just telling you that you're not alone. I think that some guys get this impression that because we don't work we have all the time in the world to do everything they can't do. *HUGS* I don't know what to tell you about your husband because I'm sure you've tried talking to him. I think sometimes they just need to understand what all we actually do because they don't know. Once they realize how hard we actually work they seem to not take us for granted anymore.

Tarra

Tarra

mommy to

Noah (10/13/05)

and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 8:33am

Hugs...I'm sorry that your husband is treating you this way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:54am
Thanks for your response. You were sweet to write back. It's nice to know someone has been thru something similar. Have a great day with your sweet babies!!! Mine is running around in a cowboy hat right now! Too Cute!
My husband is coming home tonight from his trip. I'm not looking forward to it at all! I need another day to cool down!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:14pm
Thanks for your response!!! You were sweet to write back!I am not looking forward to him coming home tonight!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:27pm

I am sorry that you are going through this and that it has taken me a while to respond.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 4:59pm

I have a similar situation except we are now realizing there is a problem with my DH that isn't his fault( but the fact he is realizing and admitting to it means we can try to get him help etc. I do some work from home but it doesn't do a whole lot to our finances, thing is he was laid off over 2 years ago from his field of expertise ( when he was in it it was alot like you described except I gave in and did everything because I was a housewife and we decided to make me a housewife when he was out of work for 3 months I was working 60 hours a week and still had to do everything...I told him if he wasn't going to pull his own weight around the house then he needed to support me so I could) there were other factors that kept me that way ( panic attacks etc long story) but it got bad when my son was born because suddenly someone needed me more then he did and I could no longer wait on his every whim, and it really was bad enough I would get up to get him things to drink etc even if I was much further away from the fridge and elbow deep in paying bills etc.
I had reasoned..that he was an adult and could take care of himself but now my son is 4 and the DH never did manage to take care of himself so less and less gets done..then when he wasn't able to provide enough to support us anymore he got very mean and argumentative which now I know was/is depression. I used to think he was lazy or at least unmotivated to the point he would miss vital job interviews if I didn't know about them and remind him..we finally got much better in Nov because things happened that made him realize and accept he has issues..and how much he appreciated me( as a PP stated sometimes it takes an honest realization he keeps it up he will lose you). I am now 7 months PG and its a direct testament to our "honeymoon" from things suddenly coming into focus and getting better between us( altho its also a miracle story I will have to share sometime).
We are in very bad shape financially and it isn't likely to get better until he can resolve his memory issues and get good long term gainful employment BUT the change in his attitude towards me is actually worth the other stress...you have to remember worth is not determined by money and you need to be appreciated..I still have to take care of the DH as if he is one of my kids..as far as remembering to do things, responsibility etc picture about an 8 year old..its very hard and will be harder once my daughter makes her debut in Sept but I consider the struggle worth it.

I guess my long winded moral...is you are not alone..sometimes there are reasons beyond him willfully not caring or disregarding your feelings( men often are very clueless about such things) . I tmight take dramatic action to make him realize what that attitude is doing to you..and most of all you have to realize and remember you are a vital part of making his world possible and if you have to hit him over the head with a frying pan to make him realize that..then thats what you need to do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 7:00pm
Leave him alone with the kid right when he gets home not once but maybe 4 or 5 times in a row. If he still doesn't get the clue then maybe not being home when he is home. He will get lonely fast. In my situation talk did nothing. really show him how it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:57am

I totally feel your pain and in a lot of respects, we are in similar situations.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:55pm

Thanks for your response! We had a great week - hopefully things will get better. I let him know how everything made me feel again and went thru "a day in the life" (gave a run down of every minute I spend at home and what I accomplish). Although I've done this before- it seemed to sink in this time. Hopefully it's not just wishful thinking on my part.

Have a great weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:56pm

Thanks! I'll do it!

Have a great weekend!

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