why can't they just get along!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
why can't they just get along!!!
15
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:04pm

I dont know what to do!

My DD who is 9 and my DS who is almost 5 (feb 24) fight all the time. They cant do anything together without fighting. I try so hard to explain to them they have to be best friends and they shouldnt always try to get each other in trouble. They (no school today) just had a fight over who would put the leap frog video in.

What works for you? They both get along great with my DS who is 1. I know its normal but is it normal for me to feel like I am going crazy?????LOL. Eileen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 2:42pm
Eileen, another word for mother is crazy woman who pulls out her hair! Seriously my 2 girls are 3 and 18 mos and have already started fighting and tattling! But on the bright side, my baby sis and I(2 yrs apart) fought like cats and dogs until I was 18 or so. Now we're the best of friends and have to talk at least 3 times a week. I'm her matron of honor in 4 mos. So just keep them from seriously hurting one another and look foward to when they're hopefully best friends and u can say I told u so!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:50pm
I dont have any advice or suggestions, since mine are too young to be in that position yet. I know the day will come though.
I do remember both my sister and I fighting all the time. I think it just happens.
I wish you luck.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:55pm

I have often asked myself (and DH)that same question. My DS, now 12, is getting really good at keeping the peace with his 3 younger sisters who, it seems, are constantly wanting to cause each other as much grief as possible. I cling to the hope that they will grow out of it, someday. Actually DD#1 (10) is starting to show signs of developing the skills to work things out without a screeming match and/or punching any one. Of course this skill is known as manipulation and that is a whole new bag of fun! I know that doesn't sound real encouraging, but it will work out. In the mean time, GL and try not to beat your head against the wall too hard =)

Jody

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:32am
Thank you, I know. I remember being mad at my parents for always wanting me and my bro to get along. It took us a long time but we did except for now become very close. I guess fighting with my bro and watching my kids fight upsets me a lil too much right now. Eileen
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 11:07am

Last time my family took a vacation together my bro kept needling me through out the week untill I got so mad that I sluged him. That was only 4 years ago and in front of his 3 children and my 3 children. When we got home I found out that we were expecting #4. That explained a bit of my problem, but I still could have handled it better. The good news is that it didn't take long to get everyone back on speaking terms and getting along reasonably well. It sure was a tense trip home from Yellowstone with all of us (13 total)in the same motorhome though. Nothing like not being able to get away from the situation, but it is funny now!

Jody

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 6:29pm

I know how you feel!!My oldest two--ages 10 and 8 Fight constantly it seems like... they fight over who gets to look out the door for the bus, who gets on the bus first, and who sits where in the van!! and over everything---argh!!!! They drain ME!! Sure sometimes they get along GREAT, but Most of the time its a battle.

In the summer--I made them rake leaves or grass clippings, or pull weeds together without fighting(or they would have more to do). I need to bring it in the house..

Sorry I cant help much, but I know how you feel!

Sending HUGS your way!
angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 2:59pm

Hi, Eileen,

I only have a "little" experience with this -- mine will be 2 and 4 in February. But here's a suggestion that was given to us that starting to work.

What you really want is your kids to work out their own differences, right? SO, when they're having a conflict, instead of separating them, make them complete a task together. For example, make them sweep the kitchen floor: one has to use the broom, the other has to hold the dustpan. They MUST do this together, and to your satisfaction. This is a reminder that they have to work together. After a week or so of doing most of your cleaning, hee - hee, I promise that they'll be trying harder to work out their problems without fighting and without getting you involved. Afer all, is it worth doing housework over who puts in the leapfrog? One suggestion from my own experience, plan ahead and make a list of "punishments." It's really hard to think of 2 person tasks on the spot!

Give it a try -- at the very least, you'll have 2 little elves helping with your chores!

Kelli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 7:36am
Thank you! I will try that prob tonite on them. Thanks for all the advice! Eileen
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 1:59pm

I was wondering about the samething with my two daughters that are 11 and 6. They are on each other morning noon and night. The only break I get is when they are in school but it starts all over again when they get home. I am at my wits end with the two of the fighting. I have gotten to the point where I tell them to deal with it themselves and that seems to work sometimes but not all the time. I get tired of hearing mom she did this she did that. I am going to try that chore one for sure sounded like a good idea for sure. I just hope some day they will get along and be friends. I know that they love each other but they have a funny way of showing it though. Oh there is one thing like if I get on the ones case for doing something the other one will go and comfort the other which I find really funny because they were just on each other and now they are telling each other that it is ok. I do hope they outgrow this. I hear it does get better but when does it when they move out. Well have along time for that to happen. Can only love them for who they are. I do tell my girls everyday that I love them very much but when they get fighting I do let them know that I don't like what they are doing. I find girls really hard to bring up or is that just me. Good luck and God bless!!!!!!

Debbie23453

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 5:05pm

I was looking at a website and happened to see this, and thought it might help.


Siblings Can Learn to Get Along


My kids seem to be bickering constantly," Kathy remarked to her friend, Judy. "What are their ages?" Judy asked. "They are four and six," Kathy replied. "Probably the best response to verbal exchanges is to ignore them. Let them work out their own problems. They need to learn early in life to give and take. If they are about to come to blows, then step in."

A good plan is to acknowledge each child's point of view. Example: "Larry, I know you want to have a turn playing with the yellow truck. And, Tony, you are not through playing with it yet. But we must learn to share. I think you can find a solution to this problem. I'll get the clock and you can time your turns." If they are too angry to accept a reasonable solution, then separate them. "All right, I see that you cannot settle this dispute nicely, so Larry, you go play in the family room, and Tony, you go play in your room. When you are ready to share and play nicely together, then come and tell me."

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of Siblings Without Rivalry, suggest that "You can help prevent battles by making some alone time for each child. 'When a child has you all to himself from time to time, he's less likely to pick a fight to get your attention,' says Faber." Parenting, April 1999.

Another strategy is to send them to each other's room to play. They will each know that the other is playing with their things. This will help them to learn to share. Another plan, when they can't get along, is to assign them both extra chores. If the conflict is over a particular toy, take it away from them.

Practice Taking Turns:

At about three years old the child can learn that he will soon have his turn. "Glen and Sally, I know you both want to play with the toy airplane. Let's play a game called 'Turns.' I have a stop watch. Each one can play with the airplane for one minute, then the other gets to play with it for one minute. Let's draw straws to see who gets the first turn." "All right, Sally, you get the first minute." After about 10 minutes of this the children get the idea. This gives them practice in taking turns. They discover that surrendering an object does not mean that he has to lose it forever. Learning to share by giving up something is a difficult concept for a four-year-old. "The bottom line, say expects, is that kids won't start sharing unless they feel a need to do so. In other words, your preschooler may not want to have anyone play with her beloved cash register, but when her pal refuses to let her have a turn riding his trike, she'll quickly appreciate the virtues of parting temporarily with her toys." Kathryn E. Livingston, Parenting, Oct. 2000.

Suggestions:

  1. Reward cooperation and unselfish actions. "Tim and Rose, you have been playing so nicely, and sharing. I am going to get you each a prize tomorrow when we go shopping."
  2. Don't reward or encourage competition.
  3. Talk about the fun of being a team.
  4. Don't put yourself in a position where you become judge and jury. Put the responsibility for settling grievances on the children.
  5. Teach them how to negotiate: "If you do this, I will do that, etc."
  6. Teach the joy of sharing. A father talked to his three-year-old about sharing. Later he overheard him tell his sister: "Let's share the box."
  7. Remember all children are naturally self-centered. It takes lots of time and patience to teach sharing.

I hope this can help!


Best wishes


Traci

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