Wish there was a Rant folder!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wish there was a Rant folder!
14
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 11:02am
I am so upset right now.
At this moment, I am done with my husband. He is so disgusting and not the person I want to be with.
As you might know, he was looking at porn and that is how our computer got viruses and is not running well.
I asked him about it only after I noticed something wrong with the computer. He was not even going to tell me he was on looking at it.
He promised me he would not look at this stuff anymore. Especially on the computer! He lied and did not keep his promise. He does not see what the big deal is??
The big deal is, now we had nasty pop up coming on the computer. What is Andrew had been on?
He said he was bored and desperate. Saying because I did not "give him any" Well, for one, its that time of the month and it aint happening! And we just had sex the day before AF. I swear, what else can I do??
Now I refuse to do anyhting wioth him. Let him have his porn if it means so much to him and that I am not good enough for him. He siad he wants a divorce then?
I sit here now in tears because this just disgusts me that not having sex everyday means you need porn!
I am sorry for putting this all out here on the board but I dont have anyone else to talk to about this.
Am I being stupid to get so upset about it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 11:14am
Mel, first of all don't apologize for getting this off your chest! I am one of those ppl that have to talk about their problems. We are here as a support system for each other. This board doesn't get very intimate, but I am on others that the women are very open and it is just the biggest help to be able to talk with other women who know how you feel and even if they haven't gone through what you are they can at least symathize. That being said, I am sorry that this is happening. We are all here for you 100% with ((hugs)) and words of encouragement!!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 12:37pm

I am so sorry Mel! Of course you can rant here, you know we are all here for you.


You know some people believe porn is just harmless and something that men "just do". I do not believe that at all. You know I think it is truly evil and hurts not just family's but the women who usually come from desperate situations.


When my husband was a teen he watched porn all the time. He had such a misconstrued idea of what women and sex where really like. It really can mess with an impressionable mind. When Dh and I got married I let him know that porn was a deal breaker for me.


I don't know what to say anymore, I can feel your pain and wish I could help!


I know Dr. Phil is sometimes corny but here is what he has to say on it.


Is Internet Porn Cheating?

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:


  • It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.


  • Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.


  • Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.


  • Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.


  • You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

    Ask yourself or your partner:


  • Would you do it with your partner standing right there?


  • Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.


  • Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?


  • Does it intrude on your relationship?


  • Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-08-2005
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 12:50pm

    Mel, (((((HUGS))))) It is ok to come on here and let it all out. I know how you feel. My dh looks at that stuff every once in awhile and it hurts my feelings a little. One time it also brought up ugly pop ups and I just got really mad at him and showed him these pop ups and asked him what would he do or say if the girls saw this. That seemed to made him stop for a little. Now we have a stupid site that he and daughter download music and he is able to download porn off of there. Now everyday I look through all the folders to make sure there is nothing on there cause sometimes he forgets to delete them. The other night dd's and I were watching a movie in the living room and I thought he went to bed, but NO he came straight to the computer and downloaded porn. That is when I told him enough of this, I could not believe he had the nerve to do this while the kids were downstairs and still awake. The computer is in a open room where you can see the screen just by stepping into the kitchen. This really made me MAD!! Mel, the only thing that gets me through this is I know I am not alone. Mostly all men do this and if their wives don't think they do then they just don't want to admit it or refuse to believe that their husbands could do such a thing. I use to work at Time Warner Cable and we would get tons of calls every night of wives complaining about their bill that they did not order porn. Sometimes it would even be Pastor's wives complaining. When you would tell them that someone in the house ordered this they would go off and deny everything. Sometimes it does make me think, well am I not good enough that you have to look at this stuff, but dh tells me that men are just like this. They think about sex everyday. Men are just different and we will never understand them. They are from Mars..lol. I hope you feel better and please try not to think that it is you. I even threatened that we would cut off the internet entirely and it would save us money, but then I would not be able to come to the board..lol.

    Olivia

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    &nbs
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-17-2003
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:08pm

    Of course you're not stupid to be upset about this. I would suggest that you try counseling as soon as posible - if your husband won't go, then go by yourself. Even if he doesn't change, counseling can help you to deal with it in a healthy way that might even help you lead your husband away from porn. I'm a firm believer in counseling and have been there myself more than once. Good luck - I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. We have enough in our lives to deal with as wives and moms without adding junk like this!!!

    Paige

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-02-2005
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:24pm
    **Mostly all men do this and if their wives don't think they do then they just don't want to admit it or refuse to believe that their husbands could do such a thing**
    Sorry, but that is just not true. That is just a lie that men tell their wives to try to normalize their perverse behavior. And it is perverse. IT is a problem. A growing problem with the availablility of it on the internet. It is disgusting and if you do not want it in your home or in your marriage it is a deal breaker. My sister left her first husband because of this and has found true happiness with someone who loves her and has a reality based view of sex and women. Pornography damages all involved and it changes the feel of your house, I know, I know the difference between what her house felt like and mine, where despite what you might think, no porn gets viewed, never had an unexplained charge on a credit card or my cable bill, their is none of it in my house. There wasn't any in my parents house. There is not any in any of my siblings houses either, I KNOW!!! So do not believe the lie that this is just how men are. Men have control over their minds and bodies just like we do, its only a part of their minds anf lives if they let it. It is unacceptable and should not be tolerated, especially if it makes one marriage partner feel upset. If it makes you hurt, uncomfortable and feel degraded, it is because it is all of those things, not because you are the strange one. Do not believe that you have to have this as a part of your life and marriage.
    `
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 11-05-2003
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 4:11pm

    I am so sorry! :( I myself have a bit of the same problem. Dh likes to watch porn videos. I don't mind sometimes............ But other times when either Af is here or just one of my emotional times it makes me jealous for some reason....I guess I get jealous because I don't think my husband realizes there is more to intimacy than sex. I do know than mens sexual drive is higher than a womans... But it aggrevates me because it seems like when a man gets aroused he needs relief for sure...and most women can just ignore it.

    But for you....... I do see why you are upset... My puter has a virus on it...and has porn pop ups ALL the time... So with having a child that gets on the puter... that is awful. But to me looking at porn and watching porn is a lot better than him actually going out and cheating on me.

    Maybe ya'll should seek some counseling before you consider divorce. And I think maybe why your husband mentioned divorce....is because he feels you are telling him what to do.. Maybe instead of telling him in anger that you are mad and that he should NOT be looking at porn...you should maybe sit down and discuss it...and explain to HIM why it bothers you...without screaming or getting mad. Maybe ya'll will have to compromise...though I am not sure what that is.... since I do not know why you do not like the porn and everything else!

    Good Luck! And please do not jump to conclusions so quick.
    Christy

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 11-05-2004
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:14pm
    Mel,
    No you are not stupid at all for getting upset at your husband looking at porn. I would personally kill my dh if he looked at anything like that, which he may, but I have never caught him. Don't let him make you feel guilty for not having sex with him, thats not an excuse for him to look at naked women. Just relax and let some time pass, I'm sure your Dh will see where you're coming from, and everything will be fine. Maybe just sit down with him and talk to him and let him know how you're really feeling, and how it makes you feel when he looks at other women. And I'm sure you guys can get the problem resolved. I hope everything works out, keep us posted.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-08-2005
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:33pm

    Sorry I normally do not respond in anger but I just have to say what is on my mind. I am here for Mel, I was trying to make her feel better in knowing that she is NOT alone in this. That MOST men, not ALL, do this. I am sure you made Mel feel much better by stating how perfect you and your familys homes are. I do think porn is wrong if you are addicted to it and have to watch it everyday. Of course, seek professional help if it is this bad. And if your calling my husband a pervert, then I guess I am one too. I really only get upset when he watches and does not ask if I would like to watch it with him so we can enjoy it together. I personally do not see anything wrong with occasional viewing as long as the kids are not around and again if the person is not addicted to it and if the significant other does not see anything wrong with it.

    Mel, please do not immediately jump to divorce. Talk to your husband and let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him some of the stuff that Traci posted about Dr. Phil and maybe then he will understand. If that doesn't work then ask if he will go to counseling with you. Hugs and prayers to ya!

    Olivia

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    &nbs
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-02-2005
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:49pm
    I know that I am the newbie and do not post often, but I was not trying to point out how perfect our home is. We have issues just like any other home. This however is not one of them, but I have seen the devastating effect of pornography on a marriage and on my sisters self esteem, I'll be honest I think it is WRONG, but if it is okay with both spouses and they enjoy it together, then what ever, its your marriage and life. I just hate when people try to normalize it by saying that all men do it. That is what my sister's ex told her, that she was the freak because it bothered her. That is simply not true, men do not have any less control over their bodies, minds or anything else than we do. I think it belittles them to say and act like they do. I know my son will be taught to contol himself, that he has every bit as much contol over his body as a girl does. Our sexuality is a part of us, God made us that way, but it should never rule us. If I am turned on and do not get sex, I get over it and so does my husband. We both understand that it can't happen every night. She asked if she was strange because it bothered her, my sister wondered the same thing. I wanted her to know that NO she is not strange because it bothers her. It bothers most women I have ever talked to. If it doesn't bother you, then whatever, as I mentioned, your life, your marriage, but if it bothers her, she needs to make sure it stops, because otherwise he is violating her and her self worth every time he does it, whether she finds out about it or not. Is she alone in her problem, no it is a huge and growing problem. I hope she and her husband can work it out. They have children and I hope that they can work together to make their marriage work, but if she feels like this is a deal breaker, she is not alone it that.
    `
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-10-2005
    Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:42pm
    ((((MEL)))) i'm sorry that you have to be left to feel this way. just know, like some of the other girls have written, that you really aren't alone. not that that makes it any better lol. one day i was feeling a little suspicious and checked my computers history and internet files and all that good stuff (goes to show that a woman's intuition sure can be right huh?!) anyways, i found a couple sites dh had gone to, i checked them out and i think i had to literally scrape my jaw up off the floor...didn't help that i was 7 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!! i to this day still can't explain to the degree of how hurt and angry and disgusted i was and it was over 4 years ago. i of course got so mad and confronted him with it, waited
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