words of encouragement needed.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
words of encouragement needed.....
7
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 6:10am
Okay, so I'm up late with my son. He's asleep and it's almost 3 AM, but somehow sleep is the last thing on my mind. I've been bothered lately about my mother. Growing up she was a horrible mom. She made me feel fat, lazy, and worthless. Never supported me, and couldn't handle the fact that I was having a hard time when my dad died when I was 10 years old. She just told me to get over it, and that's how she handled everything else. Anyway, I just tell you that to make you understand why I'm having such a hard time. Well, I am now almost 25 years old, and my mother still thinks I'm worthless no matter how hard I try to grow up and prove myself. That's just how it is..how it's always been, how it always has been. Well, I'm getting to the point where I just want to give up. I can't keep stressing over it when I have three young children to think about. All I can do is not be the same way to my children.
While I accept who my mom is, it's hard for me to deal with it. See, I want someone to ask advice to, but she's so baby illiterate that she can't give me advice...and when she does she has a way of making you feel so little that you aren't worth anything. It's not just me...my husband thinks it, and everyone else who has met her. I see her deteriorate mentally. Slowly she's turning into her own mother who killed herself using pills. She uses pills herself...pills that aren't prescribed to her. There is an on-going battle inside of me with this will money that she owes me, but doesn't find me competent enough to have it. I've raised three kids so far, very succesfully. They're happy, healthy (physically and mentally), and I'm even going to school online so I can work from home. But yet, somehow I'm still incompetent to handle my own money and pay my own bills. She has even told me that she finds me incompetent (there is a history there, but I've learned, and she's not willing to let me prove myself).
She thinks she's always right, and you can never disagree with her even when you have a good point. I just feel so sad because I've tried over and over again growing up to mend the relationship, but she felt like she had to party more and focus on staying young that she forgot hot to be a mom. Now she's treating me like a teenager and I'm 25 years old, succesfully going to school, and raising three kids at the same time. I try to tell her not to treat me that way, but she just gets mad no matter how I tell her. *sigh* She's hurt me time and time again, and now that we're staying at her house to house-sit for a month, I feel so sad just looking at her house.
She has litterally the bear minimum in her house. She doesn't have curtains, pictures, soap, or anything out. It feels so lonely, and I can sense that feeling radiating off of her every time I see her. I'm getting to the point to where it's too sad to be around her. I feel like I want her to be happier, but I just can't make the effort anymore. I just want at least a friendship with my mother, but I don't think I'll ever get it. Her mind is going too much (she's acting like a teenager at 50, she's so sad and lonely, and taking pills. I can't get through to her, and she still makes me feel like a small child. If you know how independant minded I am, you would know how much it makes me feel worthless. I just want her to be happy, and seeing her become increasingly unhappy makes me so sad that it makes me want to cry. I try, but there is nothing I can do about it, and she has grandkids that she loves, but isn't the best influence around because her mind is going so fast over the last few years.
I know that there is no advice anyone can give me (unless there is, which I would be grateful for), but I'm just looking for support. Maybe someone else who is struggling with not having a mom they can go to for support and advice. A mom that makes them feel worthless, no matter how well their kids are turning out, or how well they are doing in school, WHILE taking care of three kids. Any support would be great. Thank you for listening to my rambling, but somehow having a supportive mom is one of the most important things to me, but I have to watch mine deteriorate and become increasingly more excentric and depressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 7:43am

I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. All I can do is (((((HUG))))) and tell you to take care of YOURSELF. Love your mother and help her if she needs it, but don't let it affect who you are. Be proud of yourself and what you've accomplished. You can make up for what your mother has done to you by learning from it and being a better mother yourself. Her actions and attitudes have nothing to do with you, and the person you've become is something that, if she were in her right mind, she would be proud of, I'm sure. I hope things get better for you.

Sending positive thoughts your way,
Erin

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 7:55am

((Hugs)) My mom isn't really like yours. Focus first on being the best mom you can be, and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. Remember she is obviously in a lot of pain emotional, that doesn't excuse her actions but you have both gone through something very traumatic in the loss of your father. It sounds like she has never faced her true feelings and is struggling inside. Don't let her obvious self loathing effect you, when someone is feeling as low as she sounds she is, they tend to want others to feel as bad as they do. Very likely why she is so very verbally abusive to you. It is very hard to move past hurtful words, my advice to you is talk to her tell her how she makes you feel and let her know you are backing off until she can find a way to be more kind and understanding of your feelings. She may never come around, but her actions are no reflection of the wonderful person and mother you are choosing to be despite her .



Image and video hosting by TinyPic

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 9:04am

First of all (((BIG HUGS)))


I'm so sorry that your situation is like this.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 11:56am
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I think the only thing for me to do is, like most of you said, distance myself. There is a lot in the past that I didn't tell all of you, nor did I elaborate on the situation at hand with her, but that would just be too long. lol So, I am focusing on being a good mother, but I think to truly be a good mom I have to get away from mine for a while. I am proud of how good of a mom I am, though. It just sucks to love your mom so much, but not get any kind of emotion or approval. But, I can look past that...it's just the seeing her deteriorate is the hardest thing for me. Anyway, you guys are great. You really know how to give advice/comfort someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 12:27pm

(((((((HUGS))))))))

oh sweetie I am *so* sorry you are dealing with this! I just can't imagine what it would be like to have a mother constantly belittling me like that.
When my mother went through her midlife crisis, I had to distance myself from her (literally... we had moved across the country temporarily for my DH's work, and I started avoiding her calls). It did a world of good for me not to talk to her, b/c everytime I did she would bring me down again.
I really think you are in a good place right now b/c of the fact that you recognize that you are indeed a GREAT mom, despite what she might say or think. I think mentally it would be healthiest for you to avoid her... you don't need or deserve to be criticized like that by anyone, and it is certainly not appropriate for you children to see her treat you that way.
Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? *Hopefully* you can channel some of your daughter/mother needs there.
This board is great for advice/support. *ANYTIME* you need a hug, or need uplifting, please let us know. Come to chat if you can too on Mondays & Thursdays.
Hang in there... you're in my prayers!



Image hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 12:37pm
Yes my mother in law is great. She is so much like a mom to me. She's having heart problems, though, so I'm trying to take advantage of the time I have with her. She has my two daughters for a month to give my husband and I a break, and to have some alone time together. Also, who knows if she'll be able to do this if she doesn't take this opportunity. So, I miss my kids, but I trust her and am happy she gets to spend time with them. She's a wonderful grandmother. As for the chatting, what time do you chat? I need something to fill my time when I'm not taking care of my son! lol I feel so strange not having my kids come to me telling me they're hungry, or wanting a drink. Time to get in touch with myself again, I guess. :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:58pm

That's so great that you have a good relationship with her, and that she's willing to help you out.
Our scheduled chats are Monday at 2pm ET, and Thursday at 12pm ET. Andrea (noeyzwifey) is our chat CL, and can answer any questions you have about chat. We also have our own chat room that is available 24/7, so just post on the board that you want to chat and I'm sure someone will join you... we're kind of addicted around here LOL.
Click in the link in the header that says "learn more about this community" and it will take you to the chat room link, and also our Who's Who page. If you would like to be included on the site, let me know.

Hang in there! ((HUGS))



Image hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket

Photobucket