Would like an honest opinion,, more

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Would like an honest opinion,, more
18
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:15pm

well here is a small bit of the situation,, my dd dances with another girl,, has for 9 years now,, the mother and I have been friends for quite awhile,, at 1st we were just aquaintainces and then we would talk on the phone, hang out at all the dance things and ride together. Since last yr she has become friends with another mother too, and they talk quite a bit. I have felt like a 3rd wheel around them, they kind of formed a click and kind of snub me. She doesn't talk to me on the phone anymore, she doesnt answer my emails, and we used to bring home her girls after dance and now she just picks them up, without ever saying that she didn't need us to do it anymore.


I sent her a card in the mail,, just one of those you are my friend cards with a small note saying that I thought our friendship has faded and that I didn't know why,, I really don't! I never did anything. Well my question is,, she never answered it,, I mean she didn't call or write or email to say ''hey that's not true'' or anything.


I have no idea why,, but am I to just guess that she no longer wants to be my friend? I mean I don't want to be a nag and say something,,, what would you do? and what do you honestly think?


THANKS SO MUCH,,,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:13pm
If it were me I would try one last time to get to the bottom of things, and if that doesn't work maybe you should end the it. You can't have a one sided friendship, and it is not fair that you are the only one trying to hold things together. Invite her to a girls night out or something along those lines, and maybe you should invite the other lady too who knows maybe you all will become friends.

Good Luck,

Shelby

SAHM to Haylei

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:20pm
Thanks but this other lady,, I thought I was friends with her,,, her dd and mine ''USED'' to do a duet with each other then one day she said they weren't doing it after I called and asked her and she said,,, ''oh yes that will be great'',, 2 days later the teacher tells me that she is doing it with someone else,,, so now the both of them have this kind of tutide with me and I have no idea why! I don't want to look like a fool,, and I can't very well ask her again with out feeling like a high schooler,,,, I just don't understand it,,,, Sigh! Thanks!

~Kim~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:13pm
ok i GOTTA put my 2cents worth in here.....i lurk more then respond.but this one has my goat.....lol........ she sounds like a user....... someone who is going to use and walk on any one she can, to benefit herself.....and apparently you arent a benefit to her at the moment...... not until she needs you again........and wont deal with people face to face, cuz she KNOWS exactly what she is doing...... give it up...move on.....find other friends.. you sound like too good of a person to waste your life on someone who doesnt truly value you and your kindness and friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:18am
It sounds to me like this woman isn't worth your effort. Most sahm's I know would be more than happy/glad/overjoyed to have formed a friendship with someone they didn't know prior to thier kids, and could have a good female relationship with.

Is / was there problems between your dd and hers?

If not, than excuse me, but screw her. You were the bigger person, who had your friendship in your best of hearts when you sent her the card. If she didn't respond... I can't answer why she didn't. But she isn't worth it. It is very hard to lose a friendship, especially when your kids play together... do yours? (I mean your dd and hers?) If they don't, then cut your losses, and be poliet (sp??? its late!!!) when you see her, and know in your heart that you did everything you could do. If she is imature enough to form a "clique" at this age, then that is her problem. Maybe her "new friend" drives her dd around in a "better" vehicle... she sounds like a bi#@h to me.... good ridance!!!

Keep your chin up !!!!

Lesley

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:04am
ok, my first instinc is to tell you to forget her, but then I remember what I went through. I had this very dear friend who we went through something simular. Only I knew what it was that might have been the problem. She was having marriage problems and came to me for advise. So I told her what I had heard about her husbend, and I tol her I hadnt told her because I had only heard it and didnt know for shore if it were true or not. So I never knew if she was upset because I never told her untill she asked or if she was upset because I told her, but anyways things changed after that. She wouldnt take my calls, and things like that. I decided not to deal with it, and forget about it. If she was upset with me, then let her be, I didnt think I did wrong. So then about six months later she was killed in a car accident. And I never cleared things up, here my once Best Friend was gone, I could never go back and make things right. Thank goodness the afternoon of her funeral we came home and I checked the mail and too my surprise, I got a card. A card from her. telling me she missed me. If I hadnt gotten that card, (which was an answere from God) Id never known. You dont know what tomorrow holds. You dont want any regrets. That is my advise from personal experence.

Good Luck, Friendships are to cherish, so Id confront her were she cant ignore you. Then so be it, you will know. After that you will know you have done all you can do.

Violet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:41am
FIND A NEW FRIEND!!A few years ago,I was "good friends"with a couple,who it turned out were only interested in what they could get,and never really gave anything to the friendship!For several years,I gave them nice gifts at Christmas time,and for their birthdays.They never did the same for me.I had to constently keep up my end of the friendship,while they did nothing.Finally I wised up,and realized how foolish I was for investing so much of my time and friendship on someone who thought only of themselves!They got angry when I told them the frienship was over,but I didn't care anymore.I was tired of always doing favors for them and never getting even an offer of help when I needed it!You deserve a friend who will think of someone besides herself!Let her play her childish games with someone else!Find a friend who will be as thoughtful and caring as you are!
Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:54am
Thank you all so much, I am very senstive and for the life of me can't figure out what the problem can be,, I have not done anything to either of those woman and no my dd didn't do anything either! She knows that I want to know cause my little note in the card said that I didn't think I did anything wrong,, I just wished she would have answered either way,, she could have said no there is nothing wrong,, or she could have said,,, I just dont want to be friends any more,, whatever!! This keeps me awake but I need to learn to get over it,,, how do you toughen up your own skin?,, thanks!!

~Kim~

Avatar for lori_mcbride
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:07pm

Hi Kim ((hugs)),


I know exactly how you feel...stuff like that gets to me SOOO badly...and it makes you feel like something is wrong with you.

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having a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:36pm
I haven't read the other replies yet, but the first thing I would say, is that I can't STAND one sided friendships. I can't stand one sided EFFORT in a friendship (when the other person is perfectly nice to chat with, do stuff with, if YOU take the inititive to do the planning and communicating). I'm kinda picky when it comes to friends. I have a REALLY hard time being casual friends with anyone (I do have casual friends, but they are under different circumstances). I had a "friend" or two that would get mad if I didn't call everyday, I have a friend that would absolutely DIE before SHE picked up the phone to call me, but she acts SOO glad to hear from me when I call her. It's SO frusterating!! My "close" friends are only the ones that are there for me when I need them, but understand when my life is a little demanding, and I might let my communications slip for awhile. It seems to work out perfectly with my close friends I have. If I stop calling them, they seem to know exactly when they need to pick up the slack and call. They seem to know exactly when it is the right time of day to call (because they care enough to pay attention to my schedule).

It just seems to be all or none for me. If I have my few close friends, I would rather not stress over the rest of the friends that don't care to understand what I'm all about. I think it's really sad that you have put forth so much effort into reaching out to this lady, and she has been so rude. I am also one of those people, that before I "let go" I NEED to know why. ;) So, if it were me in your shoes, I would call her and INSIST on a streight answer. If for no other reason, but for your own info to know where things might have gone wrong for future info. Then move on. She is obviously not prioritizing your friendship, it would be useless for you to prioritize it.

BTW, I agree, that was REALLY rude of her to not give you notice that your favors are no longer needed. I think you were going above and beyond to start with, she should have shown MUCH more appreciation for that!! I think SHE'S the one that's stuck in high school!! UGH!!

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:47pm
hey kim, i really hope this doesn't come off too harsh, because i think you have the best of intentions and you're really trying to be a good friend, but you said you wanted honest oppinions so here it goes: i think you're being waaay too needy and refusing to accept the obvious: that for whatever reason this mom doesn't want to be your friend. seems to me that she is not responding because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so. maybe i can empathize with her because i do this all the time. my life is so busy and full that between kids, school, dh, volunteering at prek, and dealing with my ds, i just don't have a whole lot of time for friends, and what little bit of free time i have i want to spend with my very few good friends, not merely aquaintances. i meet people all the time, my kids like their kids, and we hang out a couple of times, but we don't really have much in common, we don't laugh at the same things, we don't have similar thoughts on childrearing, or even something like we have really different schedules, and then i never call them back and i don't answer the phone when they call me, or i make up excuses why i can't hang out. i don't come right out and tell them i don't want to be friends, because it's not anything they've done or said, it's just that we don't have a lot in common and i honestly just don't have time for semi-friends. i'm not mad or offended or anything, i just don't really like them enough to spend alot of time with them. maybe that's really wrong, but i just feel like life's too short to spend it with people who you don't absolutely love, kwim? i'm a very good friend to my few "true-blue" friends, i will go to the end of the earth for them, and i love their kids like my own, but if it becomes obvious early on that a person is not going to be one of my close companions for years to come, i drop them like hot potatoes. so i think that's probably all it is, ya'll don't have a whole lot in common and she's not really interested in persuing the friendship. so at risk of sounding like a total B, i have to say "getova it!!" find some new friends and move on, kwim?

clarity

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