How do you cope if you just don't like his children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013
How do you cope if you just don't like his children?
5
Tue, 03-18-2014 - 11:39am

I am in a relationship with a man who has younger children. No matter how hard I try, I just can't like his children. I have children of my own (grown) so I do know about raising kids. I can be polite to his children and endure their visits but the thought of having to take care of them for any length of time has me seriously considering my future with this man. I love him but not his children. I don't want to be their stepmother but I do want to be his wife. He knows I struggle with his children but he thinks that I will "get used" to them and learn to love them like he does. I don't see that ever happening. I cringe when we have his kids and I try to make sure I have to work the days they are there. I can't possibly be the only woman on earth who has gone through this. Can anyone offer advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

The only advice I can offer is not to marry him.  He comes as a package with his kids so unless you want to wait until they are grown up, it just will not work.  When I married my 2nd DH, his DD was about 12.  She had been a nice kid and I could tolerate her, although I never felt close to her because she was just so different from my DD, who was one year older.  But I tried always to treat her nicely and we never had any arguments.  But in her teen years she rebelled, I guess, and just caused so much trouble in the household.  I just never enjoyed being around her.  Right now I am thinking of a couple that I know who are divorced--she has boy-girl twins and he has a gilr, who he has custody of and the kids are all the same age.  The kids really bonded and they really are a blended family.  I'm sure they have problems like everyone else, but I think that people should not get married unless they can fully accept the other person's kids.  I don't think you have to love them like your own, which may never happen, but if you really hate having them around, then it's not fair to anyone to get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

It's not fair to you, this man, or his children for you to continue in this relationship where you cannot fathom ever being a stepmother to these children.  Like the other poster said, this man comes with children, they will be with him the rest of his (your) life, there is no changing this.  You don't go into detail regarding why you don't like his children, which may be the key to giving us a better perspective.  It sounds like you raised your kids and that was enough for you.  If you don't want to raise another set, which is understandable, then why even become involved with a man who has kids? 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013

When we first met, he told me he had kids but they were never around. Then he would bring them on occasion to visit but they weren't really around a whole lot until we moved in together. Then suddenly they were with us quite often. To be honest, I don't want to raise kids again. I am done with it and had I known that his kids would be around this often before we moved in together then it probably would have made a difference in my decisions. They are nothing like my children and they haven't been raised anything like I raised mine. I tried to be fair and not compare them to mine but I can't help it. They aren't entirely misbehaved brats if that is what you are thinking. I guess you are right and I just don't want to deal with children anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004

Hi N,

You don't cope. I have been in this sitution for  years; five married. Like you , I raised my children in a different way, ie,to be respectful, caring,loving, appreciative, hard working. My dh's kids were not raised this way,and take advantage of his generosity, are arrogant, late, rude, and more. He not only puts up with it, but he chases their affection; the worse they treat him, the more he runs after them. We have been told by a marriage counselor that this is due to his low self esteem,but he says she is crazy, and refused to go see the therapist any longer. I adore my children, speak to them often,and with their work and life schedules,and mine, we see each other about 3 times a month. This is normal. My dh wants to cater to, and take his kids to dinners, etc, to woo them, no less than 3 times a Week. If you are marrying this man for an Adult relationship, then you Will be disappointed, as it will not be that way.

I am also bothered that this man told you his kids were hardly around, and now that is not the case. He knew your kids were grown, so held off their being around much more, until you were more emotionally invested in him.That is lying, and a form of manipulation, as well. Not good.

Soon you will be the "bad guy" because you don'tlike the kids I have a question for you: Do you like everyone you meet? Of course not, sometimes people possess qualities you don't care for. Other times, you feel an instant connection. That did not happen here,and there is nothing wrong with you, in any way. You are in different stages of your lives. I suggest moving out,and continuing to date, if you still want to see him. This way, he sees you when he does not have his chilren. If he wants more, or someone to be the mommy, then that is not you. Personally, I would move on, and find someone on the same page.

Hope this helps. Please move on; you will both be happier. The more time you spend with the Wrong person, is time you are wasting enjoying life with the Right person!

cc,

pepperJ

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'm divorced from 2nd DH and my youngest is going to college next year.  I would not even date someone who has kids younger than high school age and I probably wouldn't live with someone whose kids were still living at home unless I really liked the kid.  Especially after the stepmother experience that I had, I would not want to go through that again.  I am finally going to have the freedom to do whatever I want and I don't want to be tied down by younger kids.  I think it's interesting that your BF's kids didn't come around a lot until  you moved in with him.  I see some guys who don't know what to do with their own kids and then a woman comes along and the guy expects his GF or wife to take over raising his kids.