Could this possibly be the same person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Could this possibly be the same person?
6
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 9:00pm
I find myself asking this question about my administrator lately. She has crushed me time and time again. Making me question myself. I repeat to myself that I should not let anyone have this power over me. I repeat to myself that everyone makes mistakes and mine are small and few. The thing is I feel like I can't breath at work because if I make any mistake I will be pounded for it. I walk on egg shells, feeling like no one has my back. I am just trying to do what is right for the kids. I just want to be swallowed up by the ground right now. I keep trying to remind myself that I cannot change the past, hind sight is 20/20 I need to stop beating myself up. But I am having a very very hard time. I have thoughts about ending my life lately. But I feel trapped in it all. Trapped in my job and life because of my family. Like my life would be better if I could just leave this job, but I can;t because of my daughter, and this job makes me want to end it all, but I can;t because of my daughter. I also hate living where we live, I feel this intense pressure to find a new job in this narrow window. And I cringe everytime I think about the possibility of not getting a new job and living and working here another year. It makes me physically ill when I think about it. I really want my husband to consider me not returning to work if I can't fins the right job and us moving, but I know he won't. I hate how stuck I am in this life I hate. I feel like my heart is dying. I feel like the stress of all of this is killing me mentally, emotionally and physically. I have no idea how to make any of this stop without finding a new job, running away, or ending it all. I but this happy face on most of the time and I hold myself together most of the time, but sometimes I can't take the pressure of making myself "normal" and "happy" and I crumble under the true emotions and realization of my situation. Sorry if this is jumpy or scattered.
Photobucket
Avatar for guili12737
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-1997
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 10:54am
Oh no, please don't say that you want to end your life. No job is worth that. If you feel you can't leave your job because of your dd, how would you not being here AT ALL, be any better for her? Have you talked to dh about how you're feeling? Are you the only one working in your family? If not, you may be able to squeak by just on his salary. There are all sorts of things you can do to save money. No job is worth your mental or physical heath. If it is that bad, then you should just resign and try to work out a plan to do something else.
I'm very alarmed to read this. Perhaps you should talk to a mental health professional or a minister/priest/rabbi if you belong to any type of religious organization. I know how hard this work sh*t can be. I have been in some very dark places myself since being unjustly let go. Please don't let this ruin your life. Things WILL get better. You DO have choices. You just need a little clarity and some help figuring out what to do. Please talk to someone who can help you see that, and come back and let us know how you are doing. Sending you big hugs...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2000
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:08pm

Guili makes some great points!

Believe me when I say that I've been exactly where you are.

Sherry
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 3:16pm
I was feeling extremes last night. I have NEVER felt this bad before. I have more perspective on it now. I am sorry if I freaked anyone out. I have been looking for a job and actually got two calls for interviews this week. But I really worry about not getting anything and having to deal with that. I do not think this job is worth it. I want to know that I am done and I have something lined up. I worry about providing for my daughter. My husband job actually pays pretty well, but his insurance is crazy expensive so if we had only his income and had to get insurance through his company (still less than getting it ourselves, but not much) we would be super tight each month. Also I am really hoping to get out of public education and into private education but there is not a whole lot of openings out there in either field. And it might mean a serious pay cut for me (not that I would care) and some of the schools I am looking at we could never afford to send out daughter to unless it was free for staff. I am also trying to get into other careers. I took photography when I was in high school and I was the school newspaper photographer in college so I am trying to get back into that. I have been researching Digital SLR cameras for a few weeks now and started asked my brother who is about to get married if I could do some engagement photos for them and I asked my other brother whose wide is pregnant if I could photograph their newborn and he said sure. So I have some stuff lined up in order to start building a portfolio. I am taking a course on digital editing (when I took my course in HS and college it was still film and black rooms). But I know this will take time to take off, if it ever does. My husband and I are also trying to get ready to get into property management. His uncle owns a ton of rentals and my husband has worked with him. He thinks we can handle it and maybe even one day being doing as well as his uncle is. As I said last night I was feeling extremes. I had finally felt like I was getting on the good side again when wham I am back on the list. I can't win this year! Which is so frustrating. When I try to do what I am asked I am criticized for not doing it right, when I ask for help I am told I am okay not to worry, and then criticized again. The cycle makes me crazy. I can not do anything right.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2000
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 7:14pm

As I said earlier...been there felt that. I'm glad you're feeling better today.

Sherry
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 8:45pm
Thanks Sherry. I have an even safer reason for looking. My husband took a new job and he has to travel for his job and where we live is not at all convienent.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2009
Tue, 05-03-2011 - 10:12pm

I definitely think you should go talk to someone. I know how miserable the job can be and can totally relate to your situation, but you really have to take care of yourself. If you're depressed in may be hard t get perspective on your situation. Please get help and let us know how you are doing!