Atten long time TTCers, Vent and Long!!
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| Sat, 07-22-2006 - 5:46am |
hello,
Okay, I am having a bad day. I actual broke down a cried today (alone). I feel like I am NEVER going to get pregnant. A little history....I am sorry this is long and probably boring as Heck. I have been trying for 6 years...it wasnt until 2 years ago, my dh did his first SA (below normal) and I had (i forget the name) test were they check to see if your Fallopian tubes are blocked (all clear). My Dh's doctor pretty much left it at that and my husband didnt persue the issue.
Last summer I had him get another SA and it was low count and low motility...FINALLY the same doctor recommended that he see a urologist. I have had several bloodwork done to check levels. My ob/gyn never sent me to get a U/S. Bloodwork normal. In Nov, my dh had surgery for Varicocele and now his count and motility are normal but low end of normal...his morphology is the same, not great but not horrible.
During these last two years I was working full time doing my residency for 1 year then after that had a hard time finding work in my field (Funeral Director). In my area, many Funeral Homes are family owned and usually are kept in the family for generations. I finally found something part time. I was going to be taking over a girl's job because she "accidentally" got pregnant and was going to leave...well she changed her mind and basically I got fired on my voicemail....nice huh. (all this become relevent later)
So while not working, I went back to OB/GYN and went on clomid...I normally O on my own on cue CD13-15. The first time I took it I was glad I wasnt working because the side effects were horrible, the next 2 werent bad.
My uncle says he has a full time job opening as a bookkeeper and offers it to me. I accept. I started last month. It wasnt until about 2 weeks before I was to start this job that my OB/GYN thought I should go see a RE. I called a few places and they all have a long wait. I already have my vacation booked in Sept..I am going on a cruise...my first cruise and first vacation with dh in 5 years (I was in school and then doing my residency). I am pretty sure I only have a few personal days.
Okay...finally to my point...I know if I do make an appointment with RE, theres the consultation, appointments for tests, maybe U/S, possible IUI etc...who knows...that seems like alot of time to take off. I think if it wasnt for the fact I work for my uncle and I do not want him to look bad for hiring me I do not want to try and take all this time off.
I feel really defeated....I feel like I am never going to have children...I am 33 and dh is 43. I hate to say this but sometimes I feel resentment (I never tell him or show this to him in anyway and I always support him) towards my Dh because its his "fault"...you know what I mean????? I know this sounds awful, I love my dh but sometimes I just feel this way.
Right now I am 8DPO, I definately still in the running this cycle but I just feel like of course I am going to get BFN...How stupid am I to think otherwise! I feel cramping but you know what..I did every other cycle and got BFN.
Obviously I cant tell dh completely how I feel...I mean I would have to leave out how sometimes I blame him...He always give me the "relax, it will happen" He has said in the past that when he turns 45, he wants to stop trying...I guess he would feel too old but I am only going to be 35!!!!!!! I told him once that puts pressure on me and he said fine...when I am 46...almost sounding like he wish he never told me that.
Do any of you who have male infertilty issues ever feel like this???? Did you have a problem taking time off from work???? I do not know how many days I would need or have to leave early or go in late..
I dont know, I am having a pity party for myself today. I am going to go for a long run and clear my head...that usually works.
Thank you for listening to me...or actually READING my long drawn out post that probably doesnt make any sense. I just felt like I had to get two issues off my chest, even if it might not make sense.

Tracy
Hello,
Thank you for responding Tasha. YOu have been through alot too. I am sure my dh feels bad himself about this too. Like I said I would never say anything like that to his face. I went for my morning run and I was thinking, what if the tables were reversed and it was me with the problem....How would I feel...pretty awful. I was also thinking Dh probably would never blame me...at least not to my face. He cant help his SA. Its not like he smokes pot or is an excessive drinker or does anything to keep the count low...which I have to remember is in the normal range now...just on the low end...almost borderline.
I thought about a sperm donor to. I want to actually be pregnant...go throught the journey. That is part of the reason why I am not currently thinking about adoption. I think adoption is wonderful.
I am feeling alot better already. I think typing it out was what I needed. This cycle isnt over and I am only 8dpo so who knows.
Its sounds to me like a CONGRATULATIONS is in order for you!!!!!!!!!! Keep me posted! I really hope this is it for you!!!!!!!!
~Lisa
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/bec74
Hello,
Thank you Tracy. You are absolutely right. My uncle would definately understand and what if I already had a child...children get sick or when they are older need to be picked up from school etc...I have been thinking about being a stay at home mom anyway which I havent told my uncle yet. I didnt because i didnt want to miss the opportunity for work. I neve rnoticed the age difference either until TTC. I do understand his point but its hard when you yourself is so young. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when/if I get to it.
I also gave thought about the tables being reversed and I know my dh wouldnt blame me (at least not to my face) so I shouldnt feel that way.
I am not out yet anyway, I am only 8dpo so maybe I will be lucky this cycle!
I will keep you posted. I am feeling much better now...I think I was having a down moment and needed to get it out to someone.
Thank you for being there!
~Lisa
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/bec74