Money problems, and a sad wife

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Registered: 07-18-2003
Money problems, and a sad wife
10
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 4:10pm
From the very beginning when we got married I've joked around about being pregnant just to see what my husband would do, now it's been a little over a year and I feel left behind. I have friends from High School that have kids or that are having their second, friends from when we lived in Arizona that are pregnant and only been married for 4 months. And lately I've wanted one really bad, and I've gone to him and asked him if we could start trying to have a kid. He'll just laugh and say "remember what we talked about, we're not having kids until we have atleast $10,000 in the bank." Well, he can't keep money in the bank if his life depended on it, and well right now the life of our first kid depends on it......I can save money like nothing, and I'd really like to have a kid but it's the same thing over and over again. He's told me he's not ready to have a kid yet, well I can understand that, our friends have a baby, 7 months old, and she's a cutie! My husband is very cute with her, every time we go over he spends more time with the baby than us, and our friends have asked him when we're going to have one and sometimes he'll say some mean thing and just look at me and wink like we've planned it to say whenever people ask us. I'm starting to think he's worried about what our kids will look like, it sounds stupid I know. But right now, money is the big issue with him, I feel we don't need to have $10,000 saved in the bank, although some money would be nice, but at the rate we are going we're never going to get there unless we live in the basement of one of our parents house (again) and save us $730 a month from rent. But I feel we're doing okay, we're not behind on any of our bills, and I feel set, it's just I feel we're missing a member of our family...Any advice? I know it should be between he and I, but I'm pretty sure there are some of you out there that have the same or close to the same problem or have had it....thanks again.

Sincerely Shana

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 6:31pm
you need to ask him, what if we never have $10,000 in the bank does that mean we will never have kids.Many people have kids every day that dont have $10,000 in the bank and guess what they make it.You need to let him know that its good to want to have money first but for some people that does not happen and before you know it its to late for kids
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 7:18pm
Sorry to hear you're so frustrated.

It sounds really smart to plan and wait until the time is right before having kids, but the reality is, it will never be.

Once you have the money, you may not have your health. Or one of your jobs will change. Or you'll be too old. Or god forbid, you may not be able to have children, wouldn't it be a terrible waste to save for years and years? There will always be a reason not to start a family so your husband needs to move beyond that!

Sorry I can't give you any suggestions or answers, but I'm sending you warm thoughts and wish you the best with this situation!

Jenny

Avatar for mrscarta914
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Registered: 07-18-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 6:44pm
Thanks for all that replied. Right now the money that is in the bank for saving goes to the car, which I don't think needs to be fixed, it's a Mustang so it has to be "perfect". There's been times I've thought about stop taking my pill and just getting pregnant and having him have to accept it. But that sounds terrible of me. I know having a kid wouldn't break us or help make us completely better, I just feel like there is a serious part of our family missing. We have two dogs, on which is a puppy, and having her around the house has shown me that I could take care of a baby. It's just the same thing, well a little different, but pretty much the same, I'm home all day until 5, and than my husband is here, so It's not like we'd be leaving either the puppy or the baby home alone! I'd never in the first place either! But, as far as being ready to have a baby, I feel ready!!! I just turned 20, and we've been married for a year and a month. I have friends that are younger than me, pregnant or that have kids, and I just feel left behind. I feel like I'd make a better mother than they do.....I just wish that my husband would see the same thing and just get his mind off fixing the car! Thanks again.

Shana

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 6:58pm
Hi Shana. I know it's hard to watch all the pregnancies and births around you when you want a baby. Oh boy do I know! But, you can't base your wants and needs by the things that other people have. Trying to keep up with the Joneses doesn't work.

How old are you and your husband? I'm assuming you're very young if you're talking about high school friends. You have time. Really. Your husband's goals are good. But, if you wait until you're absolutely financially set to have a baby, you'll probably never have one. ;o)

I hope this helps a little.

How to Afford a Baby

Money & Relationships

Good luck sweetie.



TTC #1 3+ years
1 failed IVF
1 M/C at 8 weeks
IUI #1 9/11/03
IUI #2 10/9 -- Wish us luck!


TTC #1 3+ years
1 failed IVF 10/31/01
1 M/C at 8 weeks 2/02
IUI #1 9/11/03
IUI #2 10/9/03
IUI #3 11/29/03

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 7:05pm
Hi again, Shana. Hate to say this, but your husband is not ready to be a father. Getting pregnant on purpose to make him accept it isn't the mature action of a loving wife in a partnership either. If I had had a baby at 20, it wouldn't have been fair to the child. I was a very different person at 25 than I was at 20. You will be too. So will your husband. And as long as he's putting his car, his baby, ahead of you, he'll put it ahead of an infant too.



TTC #1 3+ years
1 failed IVF
1 M/C at 8 weeks
IUI #1 9/11/03
IUI #2 10/9 -- Wish us luck!


TTC #1 3+ years
1 failed IVF 10/31/01
1 M/C at 8 weeks 2/02
IUI #1 9/11/03
IUI #2 10/9/03
IUI #3 11/29/03

Avatar for mrscarta914
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Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 6:51pm
It hurts to know that you would have the guts to tell me that MY husband isn't ready to be a father......if he had to or wanted to he could drop everything and support me and a child. And I didn't mean that I was going to stop taking the pill just to get pregnant, in the beginning yes I did think of it cause I thought married people have kids, and I wanted one very bad, and I wanted one very early, and I know it's not the loving thing for a wife to do, it's a stupid thing, I want my husband to be a proud dad, I just said that for past references, not now......I understand his need and wants to be prepared for a child, I just feel we're missing someone very special in our family.....The car he has now he's had since he was a Sophomore in High School, it's a nice car I would agree and it's a attention grabber, there's no way I could ever get him to give it up......but he would be able to drop it for a while to support me and a child........he's had dreams ever since he was a child, most of which have come true, and I have dreams most of which have come true....I just feel now that we should complete the major one that we both have, because I seriously feel that there is an empty spot in this house that needs to be filled with a new, little body. My sister and her husband waited 3 years before even thinking about having a child, the same reasons with us stopped them from trying in the beginning. When they finally wanted to start a family, they found out that she couldn't have kids.....after a lot of praying, father and husband blessings, they now have two adorable little boys....I don't want to wait that long to find out the same thing could/would happen to me, I would be devastated!!!! And so would he!!! I just wish he would see that not everyone has to have $10,000 in the bank to prepare for a child....I once read somewhere that "It's not the financial state that gets you ready for your family, it's the mental state and physical state that prepare you to raise a family." Came from a LDS Prophet. And like I said before, he would drop everything to support me and a child. He is a very, very good man, very loyal, very loving, very supportive.......his mind is set on money, which I hate, I wish there was no such thing as money, it can either brake you or build you, but I have not met one couple yet that can say, they've never fought about money, if so, they really have problems!!! Everyone fights about money.......but that's not the point, I just thought I would point out to you, that yes we both are very different people, at different ages, no one is the same, but I still don't see how you could tell someone that YOU know their husband isn't ready to be a father, unless you know the people very well yourself, I have no clue about you, for all I know you could be a Counselor and your advice could be good, but on the other hand, you could be some grocery store check out person with no High School degree, I'm just saying, and I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, but I could have taken your advice a different way, and I hope as you can tell by this response, you'll know that your advice was WAY off and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't give advice like that to me, and maybe not to anyone else.....it's just the way the ball rolls. Now I know I put this up here, and I'm going to get many different responses, some maybe like yours others total opposite, but I know my husband and I know what he can and can't do...he'd be an awesome father, and he will be when we do have kids.......feeling empty and left out isn't the best thing to feel, and he knows that about me........$10,000 is a lot of money. I got most of the responses that I needed before yours, but I expected to get different responses, not of which like yours, so I’m saying, my husband is ready to be a father, at any time he needed or wanted. I'd never have the guts to tell a stranger that her husband or his wife isn't ready to be a parent, how would you react if someone you didn’t know said that to you!? I think you’d feel the very same way……..

Shana

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 2:29pm
Just to prepare you, having a baby is NOTHING like having a puppy. Puppies are a lot of work, but babies are a lot more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 2:45pm
When I moved in with my ex-boyfriend we were on the path to marriage and one of my mother's friends asked me when we were planning on marriage and kids. I told her that I didn't want to have kids until I have a steady career and money be no issue. She said to me that babies are miracles and even if you don't have the comfortable living standard that you want, couples make do for the sake of the child. Maybe you just need to help your husband understand that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 2:50pm
it dosen't sound like you are ready for a baby. Are you willing to quit your job, Or would you rather leave it with strangers all day? I would wait till you were ready to quit your job, so you can spend full attienion on your baby! You will have to give up a lot of things for a baby! I didn't think that before i had my first, people would tell me things, like you'll be up all night, sacraficing your time & energy! Well, they were right, but is all worth it! If you ready to sacrafice, then you're ready to have a baby!

I hope this helps! Sometimes the truth hurts! It did for me!

Angela,
Avatar for mrscarta914
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Registered: 07-18-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 3:47pm
I stay home all day until 5, I work part time....my husband gets up and is at work at 7:30, he comes home at 4......and than I go to work from 5 till 10.....So I wouldn't have to quit my job...I'd be with the baby in the morning, and well I hate to say it to, but there are working mothers out there!!! And I'm going to be one of them, one of the reasons why I only work part time and at nights is for the reason when we do have kids...so that I can be with them in the morning and afternoons, and than daddy can be with them at nights.....My husband is an Electronic Technician, working towards his CET, so It’s not like he’s a burger flipper at BK, he graduated from High Tech Institute in Phoenix Arizona with two degrees, I haven’t gone to school yet, but looking into on line courses so I can keep my part time job at night and not have to worry about quitting my job when a baby does come along….

I also know what it is like to have a baby....my sister had one just after she turned 16, I was 11 at the time, and guess where that baby lived....in my bed room....I took care of my niece until I was 15, they still lived at the house, but my sister finally settled down and started taking responsibility, I didn’t mind at all just to take her and have her with me, I love her! I've changed their dippers, cleaned up their throw-up, bathed them, fed them, clothed them, watched them grow up, no I didn’t buy then what they needed, and yes I know that babies cost a lot of money, and time….my sister wasn't ready for a child, of course who is at 15??? Not very many darn people, she would leave the baby home, go party, play, hang out with guys.....but I am proud to say that now my sister is taking responsibility of both of her kids, happily married, temple marriage to be exact, and she loves both of her kids very much.....I've seen babies born to young mothers and watched them throw their kids into their parents hands or the hands of a stranger cause they weren't ready for a child, and it's sad, it's terribly sad!!! I would never do that to my baby, and no I'm just not saying that!!! When we become parents of course, the baby comes first!! We both know that..........we're both ready to accept that, people mature faster than others.......I've had child experience since 11, and its continued, so I know what it is like to give up your time, your sleep and your energy. At 11, I was taking care of my sisters baby, I didn't go to school activities, I actually started liking to stay at home instead of going out with my friends....Guess what If I'd do that for someone else’s baby, I'd defiantly do it for my own, no questions asked!...It‘s a totally different story when it‘s your own child…...It was a good experience for me at a young age, and I appreciated every minute of it.. We're not going into this with closed eyes, we're going into it eyes wide open!!....I adore kids, my husband adores kids, so whether or not people "think" that we're not ready to become parents, we are....….I didn’t post this to be told by strangers that I’m not ready to be a mother, or my husbands not ready to be a father….I asked if there was anyone else out there that had the same situation about, money being saved in a bank to prepare!!! And yes, money saved is good, but I liked the advice I got from the first two responses better than the ones that say, “You Aren’t Ready!!!” Who’s perfectly ready when they have their first kid!? Not very many,. We will be the judge of when we are ready, physically and mentally, financially, probably never! $10,000 is a lot of money, could take a life time to save that much, and keep it there, yes I know that……

Shana

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