need opnion on 18 got 16 pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
need opnion on 18 got 16 pregnant
18
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:00pm
an 18 yr old got my 16 yr old pregnant. I want him out of her life for good but at the same time i want him to know that what he did is not acceptable. what do you think is a good resolution to this problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:57pm
I agree with bradleyteach. A social worker or professional counselor may offer better advice in this situation. Have you been to the "Parenting a Pregnant Teen" board? http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppparpgteen


Edited 8/10/2004 2:05 pm ET ET by maureen_h
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:50pm

Thank you, Maureen h, for providing the link to the Parenting a Pregnant Teen board.

Michelle

  Graham (May 1999),

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:57pm
Well, an 18 year old didn't "get" your 16 year old pregnant. It takes 2 to have sex and your daughter is JUST as responsible for the new life she's carrying as he is.

If this were my daughter, I would tell her she has 2 choices: have the baby and give it up for adoption or keep the baby and support it herself.

Your daughter opted to engage in an activity that is meant for adults. Tell her "congratulations, you now get to deal with adult consequences for your behavior." It's called "tough love".

As for the young man, he's an adult now, too, and he will get to pay child support for that baby for the next 18-21 years unless your daughter opts to give it up for adoption. Congrats to him, as well. I hope they are truly committed to each other, as they have created a permanent bond between them.

As for you trying to stop them from seeing each other, good luck. The more you try to keep them apart, the more she is going to want to see him and resent your interference. My advice? Welcome the young man into your family and help him to take responsibility for the life he helped create. If he's a loser, he'll disappear and your daughter won't be able to blame you for it. If he is an upstanding guy who made a mistake, he'll do right by your daughter and his baby and they will appreciate your help because, as I'm sure you know, they're going to need all the help they can get.

If you are looking for me to tell you to press statutory rape charges against the young man, I can't. Yes, technically he is guilty of statutory rape, but he didn't RAPE your daughter, as it is impossible to rape the willing. And since she wants to keep in contact with him, it's obvious the sex was consensual.

I'd recommend telling your daughter to do the right thing ~ take responsibility for HER actions and stop trying to pin all of the "blame" on the guy.

I'd also be appalled if she aborted the baby. That is wrong and extremely selfish.

Sorry if my bluntness offends, but you asked for opinions, so I felt comfortable offering mine.

~Kate, mom to Megan, Adam, Emily, David, Sarah & Isaac

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:18pm
You say you want him out of your daughter's life for good. But what about your grandchild to be? Is he accepting responsibility for his actions? If so, then I would say that the child deserves to know it's father. If you report him to the police, it will likely make your daughter resentful towards you. This has got to be a very tough situation for your family, I wouldn't make it any worse if it were me.

What you need to focus on is NOT how much you hate this guy. It's easy to blame this guy in your mind, but it takes TWO people to make a baby. You need to put your efforts toward being supportive to your daughter, and your grandchild that is on the way. What are your plans for her? Will you help her raise this child? If so, it will do no good to the child to hear you badmouth his/her father the rest of it's life. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 10:31am
It wasn't just the 18yr old that got your daughter pregnant... it takes 2! And if it wasn't rape then you should NOT go to the police. This is the baby's father and putting him in jail will not help the situation. Your daughter knew what she was doing and the risks involved so please don't blame it all on the guy.

You need to support her and make sure she does everything she needs to do for a healthy pregnancy. Keep encouraging her through school, and offer to help when necessary. Remember, it's not the end of the world, as difficult as it may seem right now. I truly believe that god gives us our children for a reason, whether we are 16 or 50!

Help make this a positive experience for your daughter rather than a negative one. How do you think she feels right now??? The last thing she needs is you giving her a hard time and threatening her boyfriend.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:06am
I know that the situation is not ideal, but if these two young people truly love each other and are committed, it can work out. My brother and sister-in-law got pregnant in high school, and rather than treating it like the end of the world, both families were supportive. You may be surprised how all your pain and anger vanishes the instant you lay eyes on your grandchild. Now, my brother and sister-in-law are happily married with another little one. They both have good jobs and much happiness in their lives. Truly, I'm a little jealous of how well things have worked out for them. They have a wonderful life together. Everyone makes mistakes, but it's learning how to make things right that's important. My advice is to treat it like a blessing in disguise. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:27am

I'm going to assume that your daughter and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:15pm
Well, like it or not, if you want him to take some responsibility for this child & help emotionally, physically & financially, he will not be out of her life for good. Also, this is your daughter's decision, not matter what her age, since she is now a mother & must make her own decisions for her child. The father also has legal rights to his child as well as legal obligations. Your daugther doesn't have to see him except for visitation arrangements, but he will be in her life if he is going to be a father to this child....

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