Do I evenHAVEthe"RIGHT"2have anotherKID?
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Do I evenHAVEthe"RIGHT"2have anotherKID?
| Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:57pm |
Now, hold up! Let me tell you my situation first before you give your opinion. I want every single person to be candid and honest here. I PROMISE that my feelings will NOT be hurt no matter WHAT you say!
And before I get started, I want to let you know that I may have to do this in more than 1 post, cuz I have to think while I type, and you know how well THAT goes over w/us blondes! LOL! And if I sit here for too long, then MSN will eat my post and I'll loose everything I've said!
Okay, I'm 30 y/o, (I'll be 31 in Nov), my dh just turned 27 today, and I've already got 4 kids. My older 2 are from and live w/my ex, (LOOOOOONG story! I'm NOT touching it!), and the oldest is a boy, he'll be 14 in Oct. and the other's a girl who's 12. My younger 2 are from my husband, and they live w/us. they're both girls, one will be 8 this month, and the other will be 6 in Sept.
We currently live in southern California, in North San Diego county, and he has been in the military for the last 7 1/2 yrs. (one benifit of having another child now, would be that the ins. would take care of everything)
My ex and I have joint custody of the older 2 kids, but whatever parent the kids live with, the OTHER one is responsible for paying child support. So I have a big child support bill, b/c right after he got them, he IMMEDIATELY went on welfare and medical assistance and I had to pay back the state EVERY SINGLE DIME that they ever gave him AND everything that they covered in med. expenses. Yes, it's only fair that I help pay it and that I help take care of med. expenses, but look at it this way, I'm the one who's paying for ALL of it, not part of it, ALL of it. And he's not paying for ANY of it! He got $ from the state and the state got all that $ back from me, so not only did I have to pay for MY rent/utilities/bills/food/gas/ med. etc... I was also paying his full rent, + extra for his bills AND I was also paying all medical expenses w/NO ins. coverage! I don't care WHAT anyone says, that is NOT fair! Yes it's fair that I help, and yes it's fair that I pay some or even 50% of med. exp., but for me to have to pay it all 100% AND pay his full rent on top of it??? NO! That's NOT fair! Esp. when I have my own place/bills and other kids to take care of, too!
But whatever! You can't fight the system! What's done is done! so I had to pay all that $ back to Wisconsin state. Which, THEY are pd off, now, but in alll the years that it took me to GET them pd off, my current child support was falling further and further behind and I couldn't afford to pay both at the same time cuz I had 2 other kids, too. Plus I couldn't choose. They garnished my wages when I was working, and everything went to the state of Wisconsin and they gave him the 1st $50 and kept everything over that for "their" debt. Which I think is wrong, it should've at least been 50/50, cuz the kids need current support $, too!
But - you can't fight the system!
So my ch. spt. "bill" kept growing bigger and bigger while I was forced to pay off the state 1st. And, mind you, I wasn't always in a position where I was able to work, either. But that doesn't matter. Even if you don't have a job, you still build up current ch. spt. Otherwise EVERYONE would not have a job, just to get out of paying child support! LOL! There's still a monthly minimum, no matter what.
Now, I haven't worked since June 2nd, 2002. I haven't worked in 2 yrs! So you can imagine how high my ch. spt is now! I've made a few pymts here and there, but it's always been sporadic b/c I don't have a job and I don't have any income. Plus on top of that, they've been garnishing our tax returns. Not all of it, but some. Which is fine. I don't have a problem w/it. But my whole point is that now it's all snowballed and I currently own in the $7000 range for arrears. Which included current and past eccrued ch. spt.
Do I have the "right" to have another child when I feel that I can't even take care of the ones I've got???
I went back to school in July 2002, 5 wks after I stopped working, and I took a quick college course, so now I've got a certificate for being a medical assistant. So, cool, right? Since they're desparate for ppl in the med. field, right? Well, I grad. that program mid-May of 2003, and at the time, my dh was still gone w/themilitary (he was gone for 8 mos), and I couldn't afford to pay for full time child care for 2 kids, so the plan was for me to stay home w/the kids for the summer, (last summer, '03), and then when they went back to school in the fall, to go and get a job. which was fine, anyways, cuz our lease was up July 31st, and we were moving, so there was no sense in me getting a job, just to have to quit it in a month, anyways. Plus dh was comming home in Sept. so it should've worked out fine.
Well.
No, it didn't! (I'm starting a new thread, don't want msn to eat it!)
And before I get started, I want to let you know that I may have to do this in more than 1 post, cuz I have to think while I type, and you know how well THAT goes over w/us blondes! LOL! And if I sit here for too long, then MSN will eat my post and I'll loose everything I've said!
Okay, I'm 30 y/o, (I'll be 31 in Nov), my dh just turned 27 today, and I've already got 4 kids. My older 2 are from and live w/my ex, (LOOOOOONG story! I'm NOT touching it!), and the oldest is a boy, he'll be 14 in Oct. and the other's a girl who's 12. My younger 2 are from my husband, and they live w/us. they're both girls, one will be 8 this month, and the other will be 6 in Sept.
We currently live in southern California, in North San Diego county, and he has been in the military for the last 7 1/2 yrs. (one benifit of having another child now, would be that the ins. would take care of everything)
My ex and I have joint custody of the older 2 kids, but whatever parent the kids live with, the OTHER one is responsible for paying child support. So I have a big child support bill, b/c right after he got them, he IMMEDIATELY went on welfare and medical assistance and I had to pay back the state EVERY SINGLE DIME that they ever gave him AND everything that they covered in med. expenses. Yes, it's only fair that I help pay it and that I help take care of med. expenses, but look at it this way, I'm the one who's paying for ALL of it, not part of it, ALL of it. And he's not paying for ANY of it! He got $ from the state and the state got all that $ back from me, so not only did I have to pay for MY rent/utilities/bills/food/gas/ med. etc... I was also paying his full rent, + extra for his bills AND I was also paying all medical expenses w/NO ins. coverage! I don't care WHAT anyone says, that is NOT fair! Yes it's fair that I help, and yes it's fair that I pay some or even 50% of med. exp., but for me to have to pay it all 100% AND pay his full rent on top of it??? NO! That's NOT fair! Esp. when I have my own place/bills and other kids to take care of, too!
But whatever! You can't fight the system! What's done is done! so I had to pay all that $ back to Wisconsin state. Which, THEY are pd off, now, but in alll the years that it took me to GET them pd off, my current child support was falling further and further behind and I couldn't afford to pay both at the same time cuz I had 2 other kids, too. Plus I couldn't choose. They garnished my wages when I was working, and everything went to the state of Wisconsin and they gave him the 1st $50 and kept everything over that for "their" debt. Which I think is wrong, it should've at least been 50/50, cuz the kids need current support $, too!
But - you can't fight the system!
So my ch. spt. "bill" kept growing bigger and bigger while I was forced to pay off the state 1st. And, mind you, I wasn't always in a position where I was able to work, either. But that doesn't matter. Even if you don't have a job, you still build up current ch. spt. Otherwise EVERYONE would not have a job, just to get out of paying child support! LOL! There's still a monthly minimum, no matter what.
Now, I haven't worked since June 2nd, 2002. I haven't worked in 2 yrs! So you can imagine how high my ch. spt is now! I've made a few pymts here and there, but it's always been sporadic b/c I don't have a job and I don't have any income. Plus on top of that, they've been garnishing our tax returns. Not all of it, but some. Which is fine. I don't have a problem w/it. But my whole point is that now it's all snowballed and I currently own in the $7000 range for arrears. Which included current and past eccrued ch. spt.
Do I have the "right" to have another child when I feel that I can't even take care of the ones I've got???
I went back to school in July 2002, 5 wks after I stopped working, and I took a quick college course, so now I've got a certificate for being a medical assistant. So, cool, right? Since they're desparate for ppl in the med. field, right? Well, I grad. that program mid-May of 2003, and at the time, my dh was still gone w/themilitary (he was gone for 8 mos), and I couldn't afford to pay for full time child care for 2 kids, so the plan was for me to stay home w/the kids for the summer, (last summer, '03), and then when they went back to school in the fall, to go and get a job. which was fine, anyways, cuz our lease was up July 31st, and we were moving, so there was no sense in me getting a job, just to have to quit it in a month, anyways. Plus dh was comming home in Sept. so it should've worked out fine.
Well.
No, it didn't! (I'm starting a new thread, don't want msn to eat it!)

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Another poster mentioned something about counting your blessings of your other children, because it's more than some women have. Well... that's me. I have to go through hell and high water to get ONE child. And hopefully I will be able to afford to adopt a second, so my child won't be an only child.
I'd have to agree with the posters who said it would be a little irresponsible for you to have another child right now. Maybe wait a little while till you can better afford it. And maybe even think about opening your heart to a child who desperately needs a loving home. There are SO many... it just breaks my heart.
Sorry, I got on my adoption soapbox. I'll shut up now. lol
Suz
I can totally see the benifits of waiting another year for sure, if not 2. But at the same time, I don't want to be having kids in my 40's, either! And I don't want to be having more kids when my youngest is 10-12 yrs old! That's just waiting too long. My youngest right now is 5, she'll be 6 in Sept., I think it'd be best to have one by the time she's 8 for sure.
And as far as what someone had said about the fact that I should count my blessings b/c I already have 4 and that that's more than what some ppl can have, well, just b/c there are ppl out there who "can't" have kids, doesn't mean that "I" can't either.
I will keep you guys posted as to my .... uh.... condition. LOL! And let you know what's up and how it's going. But it'll be another week or so before I know for sure.
Well, here's mine: I think it would be very irresponsible of you to have another child right now, when you aren't really even supporting the ones you have (You DID say you are about $7000 in the hole on support).
You are in a tough situation right now, but you have the responsibility to get caught up on your child support before you go and have another child.
That being said - if you are currently pregnant, there's nothing you can do - get your tubes tied after this one and get to work on making a plan to get a job to start supporting them all.
If you find out you aren't, quit making excuses about why you can't do anything to prevent a pregnancy and either use condoms or get your tubes tied.
Instead of having another baby, concentrate on getting your life in order so you have less stress and can give the kind of life you want for your children you already have.
It does sound like you should at least wait until your husband's deployment is over next year before you start thinking about having another child. If you are already pregnant, what's done is done, but I would find a b/c method I could live with right now. I highly recommend the cervical cap. You can put it in ahead of time, have sex as many times as you want, and then take it out 24 hours later. No need to insert more spermicide, like with a diaphragm. You and your DH will barely even know it's there. You probably won't feel it at all. Way easier and less intrusive than a condom or any method besides the pill.
I hope you don't mind my being blunt, but you and your husband don't sound ready to have another child right now. There's a big difference between "If we're pregnant we'll deal with it" and "Another child now would really enhance our lives and complete our family." How would this affect your other kids, other than financially? You said there's no room for a foster child in your current apt. (and with your DH's attitude toward "other people's kids," that doesn't sound like it will ever be a good option), so where would you put a new baby? Would you have to move? Is that financially feasible? What kind of quality of life would the new baby have? You sound like you have plenty to deal with already. I feel overwhelmed with my own situation, and I don't have nearly as much on my plate as you do. I think you should take a deep breath and put the baby fever aside until you're sure you want a baby for all the right reasons and at the right time. When the time is right you will know, and you won't have to ask anybody else's opinion--you'll just do it, or not, as the case may be.
Good luck--and go get fitted for a cervical cap. I've tried everything, and that's the closest thing to not using anything at all, convenience-wise and pleasure-wise.
Thelma
JoLee
Mom to Hunter James, Baleigh Ann
I've also been talking to FL state about lowering my monthly pymts. I haven't heard back, yet, so hopefully. But that's just it, they have to have a minimum that you have to pay, whether or not you're working. I should hear back from them w/in a cpl more wks as to if they'll lower the monthly pymts or not.
Yes, if we have another baby, we'd have to move to a bigger place. He just doesn't like other ppl's kids.
I know when I ovulate, so most of the time we abstain throughout that time period, or otherwise we do use condoms. I've tried the diaphragm, the sponge, VCF, Norplant, 3 dif. types of the pill....So it's not like I'm just sitting here not using anything at all and playing Russian Roulette just waiting for it to happen. I haven't tried the cervical cap before, but I have heard of it. How do you put it in and take it out w/o shoving your hand all the way up there???
My brother and I were both adopted as babies, as was our mom. And we aren't any less a family than any of your families are. We've both met our biological mothers, and brothers and sisters, and you know what? They're all friends and acquaintances to us now- they'll never really be family. Because a family is made of love, not biological connection.
Ok I will shut up about it now, because this is not what this thread is about, and I know no one really cares to hear it. I just wanted to clarify that.
I think most women (including me!) who use these boards to seek out other peoples' opinions already really know what they want, deep down. We post out stories and our questions because we're looking for two possibilities: (1) for other people to reinforce what we already think so that we can go ahead and do what we were planning to do anyway, or (2) for other people to come up with totally brand-new, previously un-thought-of arguments that totally open our eyes and our minds to the situation.
It seems to me like you've already thought through both the practical and emotional aspects of your situation, so (2) isn't really applicable to you right now. (Though I'd like to toss in my 2 cents that I'm 9 years older than my next sister and 14 years older than the youngest, and we have really special bonds that couldn't be possible if we were closer in age - it was hard to feel close when we were younger but now things are wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing.) So what it really boils down to is, it sounds to me like you've made up your mind about having another baby - getting pregnant by default is still getting pregnant, and of course there are BC options that would work if hormonal treatments dont't - a cervical cap is one, or a female or male condom, or your DH could get a vasectomy (much easier to reverse down the road if you so choose), etc. And you know that, and even if you're not familiar with all of the BC options out there you could have chosen to sit down with a GP or OB-GYN to really get aggressive about prevention if you wanted to. Instead you've chosen a more casual approach, and so the possibility of pregnancy exists. Even if you're not pg now, it sounds like you don't plan on making major chances to your sex-lifestyle anytime soon, so that possibility will likely arise again.
Let me be as clear as I can that I am not for a second judging your lifestyle or your decisions. Whatever you choose to do will eventually work out one way or another in your life, and no matter what you do you will always face judgment and negativity from SOMEONE out there. I think it's a good sign that you're at least thinking about things ahead of time - too many people spend too much of their lives being totally impulsive and irresponsible! So when I say that I think you've already made up your mind, I'm not putting your down at all, just echoing back what I think I hear from you. I could be totally off-base with this, stranger things have happened!
The moral of the story is, read over your responses and see which ones work for you, which ones resonate to you. Take what you can from them and let the rest go - and remember that at the end of the day whatever decision you make is between you and DH, not the result of a poll online.
Kate
P.S. If I were in your situation, much as it would break my heart I think I would wait at least 2-3 more years before trying for another baby. By then your older kids will be almost out of child-support age, and a LOT can change in those years. In my case, I have a 4-year-old DD now and have been dying to get pg for about 3 years, but we waited until now because of our various circumstances over the years. This new baby will be coming along at a really good time for us - both practically speaking and as far as the family life is concerned. At one time I would have preferred not to wait, but now I know that waiting was the only right decision for us, and our family will be better for it.
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