A family tradition not understood
Find a Conversation
A family tradition not understood
| Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:23pm |
Here's the issue, my fiance is Nicholas Joseph C. II. I don't like the name Joseph at all, and I'm not wild about the "III." My fiance and I can't compromise on a boy's name if our child is boy. He has to have Nicholas Joseph C. III, and I have a thing for Alexander. I've proposed Nicholas Alexander as a compromise, and he still won't budge. I guess I'm struggling to understand why our first son has to have his first as well as his middle name, followed by the "III" because I my family does not share this tradition. If anyone has any advice on how to compromise with him, or if any one can explain why this is so important, I'd greatly appreciate it.

You could always use a name you like as the fn and then use Nicholas Joseph as 2 mn's.
Well, the definition of compromise is that both parties give a little and meet in the middle. If your fiance refuses to budge there is no compromise possible. I guess I would suggest expressing your appreciation that this tradition is important to him but that it makes you feel left out of one of the most exciting parts of motherhood - which is naming your child! I would go on to say that you are both part of a new family together and you want the traditions to be both of your's. For goodness sake, having two of his names should be sufficient (first and last or middle and last), he ought to understand that you want some say.
If that fails, you could move to some of the following time-tested negotiating tactics (taken with a grain of salt):
-Propose a really horrendous name as your starting point. Something like "River Moon" might work. This way, when you bring up Alexander, he'll be relieved and jump on like a drowning man would jump on a raft.
-Withold sex
-Cry
-Wait until you've gone through X hours of terrible, excrutiating labor (even if you're drugged up and not in that much pain, act it up!) to bring up the name you really want. He might be willing to do anything for you at that point.
First off, I don't think the name Nicholas Joseph is a bad name at all. I do, however, understand your feelings. This is taking away your right to go thru the torture and nights of debates about a name for your child!!!!! Seriously, choosing a name can be so hard, but I still love doing it!! I personally do not understand the whole thing about naming the child the EXACT name, but we do have something similar in my family---my brother, father, grandfathers for the past MANY generations, have all been named, get this, Norman. BUT, each has their own middle name, so there is some differences. Why do they continue this? I don't know. My brother is not married and has no kids, so I don't know whether he plans to continue this, but I have a feeling he will.
I agree with some previous posts--he has to be willing to compromise in some way. Has he said why this is SO important to him?? With our 2 sons, we used my Dh's first name as #1'a middle name, and Dh's middle name as #2's middle name. Now that we are having boy #3, we are going to use my Dad's middle name (which just happens to be Joseph) as this child's middle name.
I hope you gain some ground on this issue. You will have to be sure to keep us updated as to what he says is his reasons for this and if you can sway him at all. But if you can't, I must again say that the name is not a bad name, so I wouldn't feel totally at a loss!!!
Theresa
My husband is a junior and I didn't particularly want "a third" for our son. What we did was use his middle name for our son's middle name. That makes our son actually the fifth generation to have that same middle name, so we still kept in tradition even though we didn't use the whole first and middle name. Plus, it was a little more special because my husband actually goes by his middle name, so that's the one we passed on to our son.
I would come up with a list of names using Nicholas as a first or middle and give it to your husband to look over. He may fall in love with one of them! I assume if your husband is a "second" that it's not his father who is Nicholas Joseph? Maybe another option would be to honor a grandfather by using one of the names back a generation. That would keep in the same tradition as your husband's family used if they named him after a grandfather. Usually "juniors" are when the same name is used in successive generations and "seconds" are when a name is used from a past generation.
Maybe your husband never had to deal with this issue if Nicholas Joseph the first was not living in his house, but it's very confusing to have two people who go by the same name. When we were in high school and I would call my husband (then boyfriend) on the phone, it would always be "Big Tom or Little Tom?" which was a very confusing question because my husband is taller but skinnier and younger than his dad so I never quite knew which of them was Big Tom and which was Little Tom. Might be an argument for not having a "third".
And if all else fails, pull the "I'm the one who has to do all the work with this pregnancy and birth" card!
Hope that helps.
Kara
Than
Theresa
I have to agree with you on this one. We don't have any Juniors, III, etc. in our family (and intend to keep it that way). Especially if it's not a name you're particularly fond of, why name your child that just because it was his father/grandfather's name? Give him a name you do like that will allow him to be an individual!
I think you were more than accomodating in your willingness to compromise. You just need to let him know that he needs to give you the same consideration. He's probably under the impression that you'll "come around" and let him have his way, but if you're both not in agreement then that simply shouldn't be the case. I'd just let him know that I did NOT want to use that exact name, reiterate that I was willing to compromise by allowing him to use his first name but giving him the middle name I preferred and see what he says to that. Hold your ground! You are this baby's mother, after all. You should at least get a say in his name.
HTH! And good luck!
Powered by CGISpy.com
This is an awesome thread you've started :)
I don't know whether I can help or not, I don't have any experience with the I, II, III thing, though my eldest son shares a mn with his father, grandfather and great-grandfather, they are/were John Robert, John Robert, David Robert and Ewan Robert- Jack, Rob, David and Ewan- but I think there's a solution there. Nicholas and Joseph are both traditional names, and therefore have LOTS of nicknames. If your Nicholas Joseph is set on naming your son the III, maybe you can compromise by using a neat nn?
Nicholas: Nick, Nic, Nik, Nicky, Nico, Cole, Colin, Klaus, Nils/Niels, Nikos/Nicos, Nicol (said like nickel, not Nicole)
Joseph: Jo, Joe, Joey, Jose, Joss, Jeph/Jef (I've only come across this once, I went to high school with a Joseph nn Jeph-i.e. Jeff), Jody, Jude.
It all depends on the type of names you like- I'd probably go with Colin; I know a couple of french families where "nico" (Nee-koh) is the nn of their Nicolases; Klaus (Clowss, not Claws- it's the name of one of the three orphans in the hugely popular "series of unfortunate events" by lemony snicket, so the younger "harry potter" crowd would know it and like it) would work well if you're German or Dutch...and Cole is a solid, modern, american pick.
I hope that helps! What do you like for a girl?
-Si
I guess I could see where he was coming from if it was like a 5th or 6th generation pass down. But this was something his parents started. It really wasn't that long ago. And you DO NOT have to continue what his parents thought was cute back 25 years ago.
Tell him you'd be GLAD to sit down with his family tree and select names together from that that you BOTH like. This way you could honor him and his father with the first name, and one of their inmportant ancestors with the middle?
Don't let him push ya around. Stand up for your naming rights.
Crystal