how a parent's last name affects a kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
how a parent's last name affects a kid
20
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:35pm


I was married about a year ago. I never intended to change my last name. And I didn't. I was talking with a co-worker and his response to learning that I wouldn't change my name was: "What about your kids? They will have a different last name!" He seemed a bit too worried to me.

My gut reaction was that well, he/she will still be my kid same last name or not. Plus, with all of the divorces around it seems children often have different names then one of their parents anyway. I like my last name. I was born with it. It connects me to my parents and my extended family. I'll never change it. But I confess that it does bother me a little bit that my child's last name will be different from mine. I've considered using my last name as a middle name for a child. And since my last name is also a first name (Dora) it could work. We'll see.

In the meantime I wanted to know if some of you didn't change your name or hyphenated, etc and what all of you think about your last name's affect on the kids?

-peggy

Peggy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:46pm
I would have loved to keep my maiden name. I wanted to hyphenate. My FN is 9 letters and my maiden is 8 letters. My married name is 6 letters. Had I decided to hyphenate, I would have a 23-letter signature! I couldn't face it lol

I would have used the hyphenated LN for my children, too. But then I realised that I love longer FNs, like mine and DH's. I don't want to saddle my kids or myself with that extreme last name.

So, I dropped my MN (It was Ann ~ very common, so I wasn't stuck on it) and used my maiden name instead. It helps me feel like I'm still connected, name-wise, with my family.

My dad is the last of his line. I have a sister, though, maybe she'll forgo taking her husband's (she's not married yet ~ not even at all close!) LN when (and if) she weds.

That's just my 2cents. Doesn't really advise you in any way, but hey :)

~ Liz, wife to Chris and mom to Christopher and Nicholas



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:57pm
I did the same exact thing. I dropped my middle name and use my maiden name as my middle name.

I wanted to have the same last name as my children, but I didn't want to totally lose my identity. That seemed like a perfect compromise. My letterhead (I'm an attorney), my checks and my credit cards all have my maiden name (now my middle name) spelled out - not just an initial.

Maybe I would have thought differently if I didn't have a maiden name that was constatnly misspelled and mispronounced. As it was, I was happy to get a new, easier last name (even though it starts with a Z).

I didn't want to give my children a hyphenated name because I felt if would limit daughters. If her name was Madison Kaylee Smith-Jones what would she do when she married? What would happen if she wanted to hyphenate? Would she become Madison Kaylee Smith-Jones_Williams? I was also concerned that a boy with a hyphenated name wouldn't be able to have his wife hyphenate if she really wanted to. DOes this make sense or am I just rambling?

The other problem with hyphenating is that if your husband doesn't hyphenate too you will still have a different last name than him. You (Smith-Jones) would be under "S" in the phone book and he (JOnes) would be under "J" in the phone book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:58pm
My personal preference is to have the child take the name of the father. However, for the general population, I don't think it hurts anyone to do it another way. All I have to say is, though, stick with what you choose. We had a child in our school whose parents were married. The name I will use for him is Dakota. His mother gave him her maiden name, Gray, as his middle and the dad's last name, Brody. So he was Dakota Gray Brody. When I was teaching him, about the time he turned five, his parents decided to split. In his next school year, his mother decided she was going back to her maiden name, and didn't like him having a different last name than hers. So, she wanted to hyphenate his last name to Gray-Brody. However, she didn't think the whole thing through, and ended up only applying to change his last name from Brody to Gray-Brody, without changing anything else. Now his name is Dakota Gray Gray-Brody (not really the names, but same flavor). This whole thing incensed his kindergarten teacher, who decided at the graduation to use his full name, like he used the full names of the other kids, so "she can hear how stupid it sounds". Not at all his place, I know, and he is a friend of mine, and I did tell him I thought he was being stupid, but he felt the child had been wronged and wanted to let the mother know in a confrontational way, which is his norm. Just an interesting related story I thought I'd let you in on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:19pm
Well... I changed my ln on my driver's license, checks, credit cards, etc. but not professionally. I don't know how "professional" you would call a dance teacher, but I was trained at the academy I now teach at and everyone knows me as Jorie O'Brien, which is my maiden name. I was actually worried that changing my ln after I got married would confuse the children I taught/teach so I kept my maiden name. Also, I still do the occasional dance performance here and there and go by my maiden name because the dancer in me will always be an O'Brien. The wife in me is a Jenner. I don't think it will confuse my kids too much and since everywhere else I am Jorie Jenner, it's not as if my dd will have a different ln as me.


Edited 6/30/2004 4:26 pm ET ET by partly_cloudy1224
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:29pm
OMG! That sounds just like what my SIL did to my niece. I'm making up names here, to protect the not so innocent. SIL's second DH's last name was Jones. When she finished her residency she was married to him so she became Dr. Susan Jones. When she married her third husband she kep the last name Jones, since that's how she was known professionally. SIL and her third husband adopted a DD and named her Katherine Landon SMith, with Landon being SIL's grandmother's maiden name. SIL then divorced her 3rd husband and was given sole custody of the DD. She then changed DD's name to Katherine Landon JOnes, so they would have the same last name. So the DD then had the last name of someone she had never met and with whom she had no connection. Have I lost you yet?

At that time SIL married her 4th husband. They decided to move to another country. In order to get a fresh start, SIL decided to change her name from Susan Jones to Susan Landon (remember that was her grandmother's maiden name). She was very close to her grandmother and wanted that name instead of her original maiden name because she hated her father (could that be why she's been married 5 times? hmmmmmm). SInce she wanted to have the same last name as her daughter she decided to change her daughter's last name. She couldn't just change the last name because her daughter would then be Katherine Landon Landon. So she also had to change the MN. She chose Anne which was her mother's MN. So her daugher became Katherine Anne Landon.

After one year of marriage to her 4th husband (last name Brown) SIL decided to change her daughter's name to Katherine Anne Landon-Brown. The 4th husband never adopted Katherine though. Two years later, after SIL divorced her 4th husband, Katherine went back to being Katherine Anne Landon. SIL recently remarried, but I'm pretty sure that she hasn't changed her daugher's name (yet).

So to summarize, within 8 years my niece has had the following names:

*Katherine Landon Smith

*Katherine Landon Jones

*Katherine Anne Landon

*Katherine Anne Landon-Brown

*Kathering Anne Landon

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:35pm

I also changed my MN to my maiden name.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:37pm
I changed my last name, but I do come across a lot of people who haven't. Please please please just remember what name you use! People come to pick up prescriptions and they'll tell us "It's under Jones. No? Well try Smith. No? Well, maybe Smith-Jones". They just can't remember who they are, and what name they use where. It's maddening!!!

I can see how a kid would be affected if you gave them a hyphenated last name; I've always wondered, what if a Jennifer Smith-Jones married a Thomas Johnson-Brown? I can't imagine the logistics!!!

As far as Mom having a different name as everyone else, I personally can't imagine it, for myself anyway. I feel as though we are one unit "The X family" as opposed to "The X & Y family". But, it must work for a lot of people because I see it all the time, especially when I worked at a pharmacy in a more affluent area.

Good luck!

Michelle

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 6:02am
That is insanely confusing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 7:49am
Well, my mom didnt change her last name. It was a little bit hard for me growing up because so many people thought she was my step-mom or my parents were divorced.They thought we had some kind of wierd family situation. I always had teachers ask me what was going on. Another problem was that for some reason, we were listed under my moms last name in the phone book, so whenever someone would try to call us, they wouldnt be able to find our number unless they knew what name we were under. But honestly, i wouldnt worry about it. I considered not changing my last name either. Its something we shouldnt have to do if we dont want too. Your kids will be fine they will not even think anything of it after a while.

Hope that Helps!

Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 10:19am
I struggled with changing my LN to my DH's LN. I had always thought that I would take my DH's LN but when it came down to it...it was harder than I expected. At first I didn't change it...then I hyphenated it....well, the hyphenated thing was pointless cuz they only referred to me by my maiden instead of the fully hyphenated name....then finally I thought, how would I feel if my parents who are still married didn't have the same LN as me...so basically if my mom had a different LN....and I did not like that scenario very much.....so I changed my name to my DH's LN and dropped my LN on most of my documents.

I wish I had kept it as a middle name but I already have a middle name & my LN can't really pass as a middle name BUT professionally (I'm a teacher) I am listed under both my maiden and married name but the students call my by my maiden name. Otherwise with friends and family and pretty much anywhere else I go (dr's, dentist etc) I am known as Laura Schmidt.

In Europe, for instance Italy, the women have never ever changed their LN's to their DH's. It's customary there to keep your maiden name on all documentation but when they refer to you as Mrs. "So & So" they use your DH's LN. Different huh?!?!? It would be so much easier if we grew up that way too, then the decision wouldn't be so difficult. Actually I think in Montreal, Quebec, Canada women don't change their names either! The children do take the father's LN in both Italy and Montreal.

But personally, with what we are accustomed to...I think I'd prefer my parents to have the same LN (if still married) and therefore would like my child to have parents with the same LN.

That's just my two cents....I don't however think there's a right or wrong way....it's personal preference but I'm glad to see that some people are thinking about the future when our children find their true love and end up having a harder time not only figuring out whether they will take each other's LN...but what they will use for their children when they have 4 LN's to choose from!!!

Again, personally...I say....KISS = Keep It Simple Silly! :D

Laura

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