Issues with pushy-name relatives

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Issues with pushy-name relatives
6
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 11:58am

Let me start this post by saying that I love my in-laws very much, but this situation is really quite irritating, and when combined with preggo-hormones, can get me really frustrated.

Ds (born 4-21-01) was named after a family name on DH's side. We are now preg with #2, which we have made known will likely complete our family.

My MIL, from the moment we knew I was pregnant, has been "encouraging" me to name the baby after her or a member of her family. I am someone who gets irritated at things like this when I am not preg, so you can imagine that now that I am, I am really aggrivated. She says things like, "well I've been thinking that because (fill in the blank) you should really use one of these names." I, however, feel that because ds has a name from my dh's side of the family (not HERS, mind you, but the men in his family) that I would like to use a family name of mine. DH agrees on this with me and is supportive, and I am really no pushover.

So, you ask, what am I whining about?
#1 -- She keeps bringing it up.
#2 -- (The REAL irritation for me, I think -- otherwise, I'd just be like, "no, I think we're going with a different name" and leave it at that.) One of the names she keeps pushing toward me is actually a nice name that really I would've picked to put on "the list" without her suggestion. But I feel like now I can't even consider it because I don't want her to think that I used it because of her, and I know that my family might feel slighted because it would seem that we named both kids after dh's family. AND I don't want her to think that I did it because she wanted me to -- not because I'm an evil, stubborn DIL, but because this issue belies other issues where she pushes to get what she wants.

Am I just crazy pregnant woman?
The real question: should I just axe this name (that I do quite like) off the list? That's what I'm leaning toward, but then I feel like I'd be giving in to what I want in a completely different way. It's like a catch-22 to me, you see? Do I use this name and either be downright cruel ("I just want you to know that I used this name but not because you asked me to" -- no not really an option) or let her think forever and tell everyone that the baby is named after this particular family member of hers? Or do I just forget it and give up this name that I really like because I'm being stubborn and I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings? Ick. This has been just sort of eating away at me, and I would just really like some opinions on this mess of family politics. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:12pm

How about using your maiden name or your mother's maiden name as the middle name? I used my maiden name for both my kids. My mother was happy, even though it wasn't technically her name--I guess she's had it long enough as a last name that it feels like hers. I like using last names as middle names because it gives the middle name spot some meaning, rather than just a "second best" first name.

I can understand where you are coming from with your MIL. What is the name she likes?

Avatar for devonelisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:22pm

Ah, you have a Matilda!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:28pm

Well, my maiden name wouldn't really work -- let's just say it's not attractive as a name and I was glad to marry into a "normal" name (though I am quite proud of my family heritage -- please don't mistake aesthtic preference for shame!). Mom's wouldn't either...the child would never tell ANYONE her mn either way...it was a great suggestion...it just wouldn't work in this situation. I will probably use either mom's mn or my mn as the baby's mn...

The name in question is Violet. I love it. It is classic but spunky. On a somewhat shallow note, purple/violet is my favorite color. ;-) She wouldn't have a weird name, but it's quite unlikely she would share it with others in her class.
(Wow, I hope my MIL doesn't stumble upon this site due to her recent obsession with naming my child...) LOL...sort of...

There ARE other names we like...I just HATE feeling like I shouldn't even consider this one that fits our tastes and perameters so beautifully.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:33pm

I just read the Matilda post (Devon, you were posting at the same time I was replying to the other message), and I actually feel SO much better now...as far as other names, I've been stewing over this for sometime and just posted a poll under girl's names...Violet is at the end...like I'm ashamed or something...but I just had to put it on there to see.

Thanks SO much, though...I really do feel quite relieved someone else has shared this experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 6:31pm

I say consider the name, if you REALLY like the name. Even if it's on the list, you may find something you like even more. If you do decide to go with the name then definately go with one of your family's names for the middle name.


Hang in there in dealing with the MIL :)

ivf success :)
Lilypie Baby Days

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 7:45pm

Hi there! Well, I see your dilemma. Violet is a fabulous name. I love it too.

But that being said, do you have another list of names that you like just as much? Is this perhaps a case of you thinking you can't have this name, which makes you just want it all the more???? I know that happens to me sometimes. I find a great name that doesn't work at all with my last name, so what do I do? I instantly fall in love with the name, naturally! I think if there are other options that you like just as much, you should eliminate Violet and concentrate on the others. I'm sure if you made another post requesting classic but spunky names, you would come up with a great list of names to consider, too.

Good luck! Let us know what you decide.

Cara