Last names - ARGH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Last names - ARGH
6
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:21pm

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post about boy names (John Richard). Still up in the air on what to do. Hubby isn't even sure he loves the name. LOL

Now we're having a dilemma about what to do about last names. As one of my very favorite friends likes to say, my husband "kept his name" when we got married. :) When discussing future children, we had always agreed that we would find a way to give our kids both of our last names. Now we're struggling because all solutions seem really cumbersome.

I don't particularly like the idea of hyphenating, just because it seems too cumbersome and I'd like to leave it up to our child to decide when the time comes if they want to use just one most of the time but keep both legally. We are set on having middle names, regardless of gender, and I hate the idea of my name becoming a second middle name, because I KNOW it'll just get dropped and lost. I'm very aware of the Latin/Spanish tradition of two last names, and I love it. In those cases, however, the father's name is given as a "first last name" and mother's as a "second last name". In the U.S. when people hyphenate, it seems to me that it's usually the mother's-father's name, which is the opposite of the Latin tradition. ARGH. (We aren't Latino/a, by the way.) I guess my concern is, if we don't hyphenate and use two last names instead, which one goes first? Also we're concerned that whichever is the "first last name" will be considered a second middle name by everyone but us and get dropped, which takes us back to square one.

We have thought about combining our names to make a new last name, but neither of us are big fans of that either because both of our family names are important to both of us. Does anyone have any suggestions/input? Anyone hyphenate and regret it? Has anyone given their kids two last names? I have visions of my child being "that kid" in his/her class with the "weird" last name, but again, it's really important to DH and I that both be included. We've also heard of giving girls the mother's last name and boys the father's last name, but we don't want the kids to be split and associated with only one of us.

(sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:56pm

I am not a fan of hyphenated last names because:

1. They are cumbersome
2. They make it difficult for schools etc. to link a child with his or her parents (Joey Smith-Jones will not automatically be associated as a child of Joseph Jones or Jane Smith, it will just be confusing)

What we did was give our son my maiden name as a middle name... not a second middle name, just a middle name. Joey Smith Jones (Joey Jones for short) acknowledges both parents' names, but makes record-keeping etc. a lot easier. Also, it is in keeping with the current trend of using last names as names.

Good luck deciding what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 4:13pm

I agree exactly with what arizonie said exactly.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 5:18pm

I have several friends whose husband's "kept his name."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:01pm

The reason that the mother's name usually goes first in America is because Americans don't understand the tradition, and they practice it incorrectly. Furthermore, here in America, we tend to have less respect for the "correct" way to do something, or more interest in how *we want* to do them. That said, the correct way to hyphenate a last name is for the father's name to come first. The first last name is not dropped, nor does it become a second middle name. The child's full last name is Smith-Jones. In school, he will be alphabetized under S.

When he marries, his children's last name *should* be Smith-Doe (where Doe is his future wife's last name), and not Smith-Jones, unless of course, his wife takes his hyphenated last name. If he marries a woman with a double last name (such as Bailey-Doe, where Bailey is her father's last name), then his children's last name will be Smith-Bailey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 4:55pm

Well I am in your exact same boat. My DH kept his last name, I current am still legally Jane Maidenname but I go by Jane Maidenname Marriedname professionally, (no hyphen, I just use both, like Jada Pinckett Smith or Hilary Rodham Clinton) and either Jane Maidenname or Jane Marriedname personally, depending on context and which way the wind is blowing :-)

I do plan on changing my name to Jane Sarah Maidenname Marriedname formally at some point. I intended to do this right after we got married but several years of going by my own name and realizing that it hasn't really mattered a whit has made it less of a priority. I tell myself I'll get it done by the time the kids start pre-school to avoid confusion but really, what is going to happen? I'll go to pick up the kids and they won't release them to me because my name doesn't match? But I digress...)

My maiden name would honestly make a terrible middle name on it's own, so that's not really an option I like. (My own middle name is a odd family name and I really hated when kids would start sharing middle names as mine would get made fun of and I don't want to do that to our daughter... )

So, I think we will go with one of things you mentioned and name our baby Jane Sally Myname Hisname, with Sally and Myname as the two middle names. I believe that Social Security only lets you have one last name, so mine would get bumped to the middle name. I am prepared for my family name to be routinely dropped in practice -- when registering for school etc. But at least it will be there on record and she'll have more awareness of it than she otherwise would.

One other thing to note is that you're only allowed a certain number of characters for middle names (total names) so if you're going to throw in a long maiden name as a middle name, you might pick something short for the "first middle name" otherwise the social security card might read "John Nicholas Jefferso Smith" or something like that.

Good luck--let us know what you decide!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 6:50pm
I TOTALLY understand your dilemma. When we were engaged (for a LONG time in college) we decided to keep our respective names and possibly alternate the last names boy/girl. I decided just before we got married to take his name as a last name and move my name to a second middle name, and give the kids the married name for conveniences sake. We have always lived in a big city, which might affect this, but no one has ever assumed that my last name would be my son's name. Likewise, I teach and I never assume the person a child lives with is even necessarily a biological parent - much less has the same last name. People are used to complicated names, so do what you want. I would avoid the "invented" names - that seems too confusing for people hundreds of years from now looking you up for geneological research. Weird reason, I know. Also, it seems like you'd have to explain it forever. If I could do it again, I don't know what I'd do though. I have to admit, I really miss my maiden name sometimes. Just because it seems like becoming a different person somehow when you change it...I dunno. Have fun deciding, though