Legally, who ultimately gets to choose?
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| Sat, 01-27-2007 - 1:32am |
Another spat with the father of the baby... he refuses to accept the names I've chosen. We are not married, of course, and he's a hateful, abusive man. I'm planning to seek a victim's advocate because of his stalking behavior, and hope that I'll never have to see him again. If he gets visitation/custody, I'd like to do it through a third party.
Since I'm going through this pregnancy alone, and will likely be raising the child alone, I want to give it MY surname. Additionally, I've chosen the name Ralph (pronounced rayfe) and Haley as first names. He sent me a message saying he will refuse to acknowledge any name but his own (first, middle, and last), followed by Jr.... and whatever I name it, he says he's going to tell the child that's his real name, and convince him to change it. This man is 45, can you believe it?
I realize it's his child too, but it's my body that bears the burden of pregnancy. Since I'll be the one to raise the kid, it seems only fair I should get to name it. And since I now hate and despise the father for everything he's done to me, I don't want the child to have his name!
Are there any laws regarding this situation? He can't change the child's name on the birth certificate, can he? I will not be putting his name on the birth certificate at the hospital since he refuses to sign an acknowledgement of paternity.

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You need to talk to a lawyer about all of these issues, and the sooner the better.
I agree with Jazz and Amy. It's important to establish a relationship with an attorney who can answer your questions and provide you with some protection.
You have the right to name your child whatever you want, and you don't have to consult him--in fact, since he's such a jerk, it would be best if you didn't discuss it (or anything else) with him at all. My aunt had a similar dispute with the father of her daughter. He threw a fit over her name choice, despite the fact that he was denying paternity. Paternity was established later through the courts, and even then my cousin's name was not an issue. Her father still had no say, because she was named at birth by her legal parent, and my aunt wasn't going to change her mind.
He can't change the name without you, either. My friend who was abandoned by her boyfriend while pregnant gave her daughter the boyfriend's last name, hoping they would eventually be together. Their relationship continued to breakdown, though, and my friend legally changed her daughter's last name to match her own when she was 6. This had to be done through the courts, and her ex had to legally consent. Once paternity is established, if he (or you) wanted to change your son's name, it would take both of you to do it.
What a jerk. I'm so sorry you have to go through this stress. Be careful.
Allie
Wow - sounds like a stressfull time for you I hope things get better. I am not a lawyer but I would assume that he can not change the childs name with out your concent.
If it were me in your shoes I would name the child what I liked and would give them my last name - it is just easier with school and to share the same name as your child. My sister is dealing with the whole last name different than her and trying to get it changed on my nieces birth certificate - she wishes that she would have given her dd her last name. Just a thought
"If it were me in your shoes I would name the child what I liked and would give them my last name - it is just easier with school and to share the same name as your child."
These are exactly my intentions. He's wanting it to be named after him first, middle, and last. Why would I want to be reminded of all the hell he's put me through everytime I say my chld's name? :(
I desperately want a lawyer, and have emailed some in the area. One responded and asked for a $200 consultation fee, and I simply don't have the money. I had to stop working because of "hyperemesis gravidarum" (rare, extreme morning sickness that has casued me to lose 10% of my body weight already from constant vomiting). I am, however, planning to go to this place in my town called "HODAC" to speak to a victim's advocate and see what resources they have. I saved a few of my online conversations with the father, and they're very telling about the type of person he is (in one, he even admits to two counts of statutory rape... and his statute of limitations isn't up on the second yet... 41 vs 15).
I would think maybe even your county's social services department could get you headed in the right direction...
I suggest that if the sperm donor wants a child named for him first, middle and last, perhaps he should grow a uterus to make that transpire...
I agree with everyone else that you should definately consult someone and make sure you can get everything cleared up before you have your little one. Just FYI though the laws in each state are different concerning naming. In TX you could name your baby anything you want. But, when the sperm donor proved paternity in court they would ask if he wanted the baby to have his surname. If he says yes, they'll change the babies name and you get no say. And actually he can refuse to allow you to hyphenate too. He will NOT be able to change the babies first or middle names without your consent. My sis ended up hyphenating her baby's last name, just to appease his sperm donor, and then only used her last name when talking to people, signing him up for school etc... Definately check out the naming rules in your state. That way if they do favor the father, maybe you can work out compromise that will allow you to have the name you want. HTH
Katherine
Get an attorney and get a restraining order NOW. It's not a difficult process. File a police report about the abusive behavior so that it's on record, and file a report EVERY SINGLE TIME he contacts you after the restraining order is issued. No joke. Do this NOW. Before the baby is born. Start protecting yourself so that you can protect your child.
That victim advocate is probably a very good idea, as well. Realistically speaking, the matter of who gets to name your child is indescribably unimportant when you compare it to the future abuse this man could subject you to. You will get to name your own child, but before you even consider that, start building ways to keep him out of your life, and your child's life.
Im really sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time ... seems that the babys name is the least of your worries now.
I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.
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