OT how did you know you were done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
OT how did you know you were done?
5
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:10pm

How did you know you were "done" having kids? We have two children and always debated on whether we should have a third. As time went by we sort of accepted that we were done with those baby years and were satisfied with the two that we have. Especially because it takes so much money these days to raise children! Well long story short I came up late this past month (and I am *never* late)! At first we were thrown for a loop and we scrabbled around assessing the finances and asking ourselves how we would fit a third into our budget. My dh' pays CS that will end in another couple of years. Until that time things are looking tight as far as finances. After that it will be fine. It turns out I was just late! That never happens but I think I was under stress from visiting family. At first dh and I were upset by the "surprise" and then just when we started getting a little excited at the possibility AF comes.

The funny thing is we are both sort of dissapointed now that we weren't pregnant. And have started to examine if we should have a third again. The thing is that dh is an older dad and if we are going to have another we shouldn't put it off any more. Yes CS ends in 2 years but dh is in his 40's already. Now I can't stop thinking abot having a third. The thing that is holding me back is that when we first thought we were expecting neither one of us was too excited about it...because of the money situation. WDYT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:19pm

I think the best way to answer this is to ask yourself hwo you will feel 10 years from now if you DON'T have that third? Will you really, truly in your heart regret it? If the answer to that is yes, then I think you should consider going for it. If you don't feel that you would regret it, then maybe stick with what you have.

For me, I always KNEW I wanted 4. My dh wanted 2 and 3 was our compromise. After having my third, I felt there was just someone "missing" from our family. It took me three years of talking, begging, and negotiating but I am not expecting #4 in May. I couldn't be happier and it just FEELS right. I know we are done after that for sure. One of the things I told my dh is that if we didn't have #4, I would always feel regret and that there was this other person who was supposed to be in our lives. He really wasn't on board for a while but eventually he realized how important this was for ME and he knew he would never regret having a fourth whereas I would regret NOT having one. I'm babbling. My point is that if you find this is something you feel strongly about, you can find a way to make it work. Good luck to you!
Marla



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 7:15pm

Wow ... Marla really summed that up pretty well.

My dh and I have three girls already, and I've always wanted four children. He thinks three might be "it" for us, but he's not sure. However, we have had this exact discussion and basically come to the same conclusion:

When all's said and done, I know I would regret not having that fourth child -- always wondering who that little person would have been and feeling bad I'd given up on the very idea of him or her. On the other hand, my husband loves our girls dearly, and he'd never EVER regret having another. In fact, he's gone so far as to say he'd be thrilled to be surprised with a fourth. He's just not sure he's ready to actively plan for one (even if that plan wouldn't come to fruition for another two or three years -- our youngest isn't quite six months old yet LOL).

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you think you'd regret not having another baby, you have your answer right there. You would almost definitely not regret having one, KWIM? Finances and other such issues tend to work themselves out -- or can be worked around -- so my advice is to step back from those possible complications and simply examine how you actually feel about having another child. If you both agree you would like another, go for it!

HTH

~Kelli


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:37am

Hello,

I guess I can relate in some small way. I am expecting my first but my mom just had her seventh child four years ago. I was 18- this baby was a complete shocker to the whole family. At the time my youngest sister was already 7 and I guess my parents thought they were done until this surprise baby. My mom confided in me early on as I was already "grown" and like a friend... they were VERY worried about finances. Life had always been tight, we all went to private Christian schools (elementary and highschool) and lived off only my father's income. But we always made it through despite tough times. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't want it any other way. Our family is close in a way it never could have been had our parents always been well off.
And Malachi (our surprise baby) has brought more joy into our lives than the money he "costs" could ever bring.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that... despite my parents worries about being able to make it financially, there is no way anyone could replace him and the love and laughter he has brought to all of us. He has brought our family even closer together.
A new child is always exciting and a blessing to everyone... you were excited at the prospect of having another child, don't let thoughts of money damper you excitement. They are precious and irreplaceable.
All the best in your decision making... I'm sure you will be able to decide what's best for you, only you can!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:30am

I have to agree w/ pp.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 1:10pm

I can totally relate.

I come from a large family (6 daughters) and dh only has one brother. I always thought 3 or 4 kids would be good, dh wanted 2. We compromised on 3. Well, after we had our second we changed our minds! He was a poster child for birth control! LOL! I was 35 and just tired all the time. I couldn't imagine having another so I agreed with dh and decided we were done with our two boys. But then fate stepped in! Two years after Chris was born I was late and scared. I was never late. I just knew I was pregnant but waited 5 days to test. It was positive and dh was NOT happy. But then we accepted the fact that we were going to have a third. I had some problems during the pregnancy and we thought for a week that we might lose it. Both of us were devestated. We didn't try to get pregnant but once we were and accepted it, we wanted this child. Our daughter was born on her due date, healthy as all could be.

We can not imagine her not being with us right now. I love having my girl after having two boys. But, I knew as soon as I had her that we were done. Dh got "fixed" and it is all good.

I think you know when you know!! Does that make any sense? LOL! Good luck!

Mary

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