Surname!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Surname!!!!!!!!
21
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:17pm

Hi guys....I hope someone can help me out with this...

I'm not with the father of my baby. He has crossed the line too many times. He was very controlling and very jealous, even hit things (not me) at times. That's the extremely simple version. I try to keep him informed about what is going on, but every time we talk we end up arguing, and I end up getting really upset or angry. So I told him to stop talking to me, yet he still does. I am 21 weeks pregnant. He lives in Florida and I live in Washington. My family and I have put all the financial support towards this baby, he has put nothing (partly because I don't want to deal with him right now).

He asked me today if I have been looking for names. I have been looking for girl names, but haven't looked for boy names yet. He asked me if the baby was going to have his last name. I told him that in my state, I can name the baby anything that I want, first and last name. He got really mad, asking me if I am going to even involve him in any decisions when it comes to the baby, because I said "I" can name the baby anything that "I" want.

He swears up and down that he wants to be a part of this baby's life. He says he is going to move up to my state and get his own place, but I don't believe what he says anymore because it has changed so many times. I still don't feel like he is thinking about this kid, I think he is just thinking in terms of me and him.

I want to give the baby my last name, but I think he sees that as an insult, and obviously he thinks I am being selfish. All of my generation in my family are females, there are no males to carry on the family name. He is a guy, he will marry one day and have kids of his own with his last name. However, I will probably get married and give up my last name, just as the rest of my generation in my family will do, simply because of tradition. I'm a pretty liberal, so since we are not married, I don't think that the baby should get his last name anyway. I don't think either of us are willing to budge in this matter.

Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:25pm

Short, simple answer. Give this baby your last name!

Obviously the father isn't that involved even at this early stage of the game ... he's not likely to become more so later in the child's life. On the other hand, this baby will live with you every day for the next 18 years or so. I think giving him/her your surname only makes sense, especially for things like school, travel (I believe it's still true that children traveling with parents with different last names from their own need special notes and documentation that can become quite a hassle, especially if leaving the country), etc. Also, the fact that your family is all women makes me even more apt to suggest using your last name. If he were involved it would be an entirely different story, but since he's not I'd look at this as an opportunity to carry on your family name, since obviously that would mean a lot to you.

HTH! Good luck!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:21am

Give the baby your last name.

However, the baby's father should still be responsible for and a part of the baby's life. He will need to pay child support and there will need to be some sort of visitation plan established via the court. Please consult a lawyer to protect your and your baby's best interests.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:44am
I think you should use your last name. He isn't worth it, it sounds.

                             
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:46am
suggestion: get a lawyer to protect yourself and your baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:00am

From the sound of it, the baby should have your last name only. If you REALLY feel like involving the father's name, there's always hyphenation of the 2 last names, but then that can become cumbersome and tricky. I personally would do as the others have suggested and hire a lawyer and give the baby only your name.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:08am
No question, give the baby your last name. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 12:02pm
i feel that since you are going to be raising this child primarily on your own, it's normal and understandable for you to give the baby your last name. thats your choice and you should not have to consider anyone's feelings but your own and the child's. If the father lived close-by and wanted to be an active father, perhaps you should consider his feelings but this is an issue for only you to decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 3:09pm

Hey Guys..Thanks!!!

Well I just got an email from my ex...I had to block him on AIM because he would message me 4 times a day and I would just end up getting upset each time. So he said he went to a lawyer, and they said that when he comes up here to get a paternity test (which I have to approve of), then the baby has to have his last name. He also said that what I am doing to him is "f*cked up", and that yes he did stuff that was "f*ucked up" and he acknowledges that, but I need to move and let everything that happened go. Would you just let things go, if he used the one thing that you told him in complete confidence and used it to degrade and insult you in front of all his friends, and in front of your face??? I don't think so. I'm not keeping him from being with this child. My parents didn't want him living on their property if he was going to keep treating me that way that he was. He told me that I shouldn't have involved my parents either. Well, if he would have stopped yelling at me and telling me I was wrong, then maybe I would have I guess. He thinks I am trying to keep him from his child. I really don't understand how. I just want to be left alone so I can figure all this crap out and come to terms with it. He says he is going to move up here, but I don't really believe him. If he does, then he can see his child. If he doesn't, then I'm not going to fly my child across the country, especially when it's an infant, just so he can see the baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 4:28pm

I am no lawyer but I'd have to say that I don't think there is any law that says that a baby has to have the father's last name. There can't be. I know plenty of people who have their mothers' last names. I think he's bluffing. He's not paying to support your prenatal care but he can dish out for a lawyer? Doubt it.

I'm also not a psychologist but if I were you, I would drop all personal contact with this guy and communicate through a lawyer. Find one that does pro bono work if you have to but he should be responsible for child support. This guy is controlling, jealous, tempermental, and just plain bad news. You stay three time zones away from him and do NOT go out of your way to please him. Plan to raise the baby with the loving help of your family and make decisions that you think best suit you and Baby. Don't stress about him. He may be the biological father but he certainly does not sound like the kind of person you want around yourself or a helpless little babe.

He CANNOT force you to get a paternity test before the baby is born because they'd have to do an amniocentesis and that can be dangerous to the baby, let alone desperately uncomfortable for you. He'd have to wait until the baby is born and at that point, you will have already named the child. If you're going to have the baby in a hospital make sure they know that he is not welcome as a visitor if you don't want him there. You have the right to say that.

DO NOT take his word on anything. He's trying to bluff and lie and get you to do what he wants because he is so controlling. Stay away from this guy. And do not fly with an infant if you can help it. Don't go anywhere if you can help it. It'll be too stressful for both of you! New mommies and their babies need time to rest and recouperate and find a routine.

Good luck! I can't wait to hear your name picks!!!

Kara

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Than

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
In reply to: mickijune
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 5:20pm

Thank you Kara!!!!

I know there is no law that says the baby has to have his last name. I was told by a social worker that he has no rights unless I give them to him. He cannot get a paternity test unless I am there and sign a piece of paper that approves it. I had a friend in law school tell me that he can't get visitation rights unless he keeps up with child support, which he already said that he doesn't want to pay. The social worker told me that he can't even sue for a paternity test unless his name is on the birth certificate, and to have his name on there we would both have to sign a paper establishing paternity. I don't even want him at the hospital, and I'm afraid of what might happen when he finds that out. I'm afraid he will try to do something to himself, or to me or the baby, because when he gets angry he gets very out of control. He has even said several times that he was glad I wasn't a guy or he would beat the sh*t out of me. What happens if this baby is a boy? Will he beat the crap out of the kid just because he can hit a guy, but can't hit a girl? He goes to a therapist 3-4 times a week, but I'm pretty sure he isn't paying for that because it's his friends mother. The lawyer that he always runs to is the same friend's father.

I am not trying to keep him from his kid. I just don't think that trying to establish a relationship right now is what I need, because it will just hurt me more. Maybe we can try after the baby is born, but not now. Because I don't want to talk to him now, he thinks that I am trying to keep him away from his kid, and that I'm being selfish, because he says that this kid needs a father and he is stepping up to take care of his responsibilites. I can't really see how though. He says he is working and saving money, but hey I'm the one buying everything for the child, and it's kinda hard to get a job when you are already 5 months pregnant. I have been looking for about two months, and have gone on several interviews, but nobody has given me a job yet. I'm actually going to start selling stuff that I have, stuff that I don't really use, so that I can get some extra money coming in.

I have been trying to get in contact with several legal offices, but nobody has called me back yet. There are some places that are free...but I don't have anyone to run to for free whenever I want to like my ex. I'm still trying to get in contact with a therapist that can help me sort out all my emotions, and maybe get past some of the things that hurt me the most.

Anyway, I think I have finally decided on a girl's name...Kaylen Alia...with my last name.

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