Surname!!!!!!!!
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| Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:17pm |
Hi guys....I hope someone can help me out with this...
I'm not with the father of my baby. He has crossed the line too many times. He was very controlling and very jealous, even hit things (not me) at times. That's the extremely simple version. I try to keep him informed about what is going on, but every time we talk we end up arguing, and I end up getting really upset or angry. So I told him to stop talking to me, yet he still does. I am 21 weeks pregnant. He lives in Florida and I live in Washington. My family and I have put all the financial support towards this baby, he has put nothing (partly because I don't want to deal with him right now).
He asked me today if I have been looking for names. I have been looking for girl names, but haven't looked for boy names yet. He asked me if the baby was going to have his last name. I told him that in my state, I can name the baby anything that I want, first and last name. He got really mad, asking me if I am going to even involve him in any decisions when it comes to the baby, because I said "I" can name the baby anything that "I" want.
He swears up and down that he wants to be a part of this baby's life. He says he is going to move up to my state and get his own place, but I don't believe what he says anymore because it has changed so many times. I still don't feel like he is thinking about this kid, I think he is just thinking in terms of me and him.
I want to give the baby my last name, but I think he sees that as an insult, and obviously he thinks I am being selfish. All of my generation in my family are females, there are no males to carry on the family name. He is a guy, he will marry one day and have kids of his own with his last name. However, I will probably get married and give up my last name, just as the rest of my generation in my family will do, simply because of tradition. I'm a pretty liberal, so since we are not married, I don't think that the baby should get his last name anyway. I don't think either of us are willing to budge in this matter.
Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?

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Well you can tell him he couldn't be more wrong.
In fact, when I filled out our daughter's birth certificate form in the hospital (just last year), it actually had a part that my husband had to sign stating that he was acknowledging paternity of the baby. There was a claus in there stating that if the father was not present or refused to sign, the child would not be allowed his surname at that time, and would receive the mother's surname/maiden name by default. Therefore, assuming the law is the same in your state (I'm sure they are all pretty similar), you could probably avoid the whole problem by simply not welcoming him to the hospital when you give birth, as someone else mentioned. If he is not there to sign the form and you do not list him anywhere on the birth certificate, the baby will not receive his surname.
So feel great the rest of your pregnancy and rest assured he cannot force you to do anything. ;)
HTH!
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Thanks for the info!
That's definately a little comforting. I live in washington, and I was told something along the same lines. However, I still would like to meet with a lawyer, even if I have to pay, just to make sure I know my exact rights and his.
I actually just talked to the Center for Battered Women. They told me that I have every right to not talk to him, if he makes me feel the way I feel. It may not be one of the most ethical decisions that I have made, but I think that I have the right to the emotions and feelings that I have had these past 5 months. Nobody can tell me that I am wrong to be scared of someone who gets extremely anger and hits things, or actually refused to let me physically leave him.
I already know that I will not want him in the hospital when I have the baby. It will be difficult I know, but with him there, I would probably break down. I would rather have my family with me, who have not tried everything in their power to hurt me like he did. I'm a little afraid that when I have the baby, I will not want anything to do with him, and that I might refuse to let him see the baby. I guess that is just mother's intuition.
I have pretty much decided that this baby will get my last name, and he can waste his money to take me to court and get it changed.
You go girl! LOL
Seriously though, it's definitely the right decision. Choosing to not have him there (or even in the child's life, if that's what happens) is probably for the best, from what you've told us.
Congrats on your decision, and good luck with the baby! :)
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Oooh! I like Kaylen Alia! That is beautiful!
You keep to your guns, girl. If your gut tells you that you need time away from your ex, then go with it. Certainly doesn't sound like, to me at least, that he's on his way to healing from his past ways. As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. There's no reason to believe that he has changed his attitude, and I think you have more than a leg to stand on with the temper and possible abuse issues.
Keep up the good naming work!
Kara
Than
This is your first gift to your child. The baby should have your last name, and you should know that this is a sign of your strength and your love for the baby. It sounds to me like this father is going to continue to force you to draw on this strengh time and again. And you will, because now there is a baby involved. It changes everything. Where you were weak and confused before, now you will be determined and strong. Being a mother will do that to a woman.
The father should know that being a dad doesn't have anything to do with a name. If he wants to love this baby and help take care of it, terrific. If not, he'll still need to send the checks. Either way, the baby's name will be whatever you choose. You are the mother and until a man has to push a baby out of his penis, he'll have to learn that you are in the power seat now when it comes to the child. It's the gift of the single mom. It's your gift and your burden. The child's name should reflect that it's you who is bringing this baby into the world--alone. A father who has pushed away the mother-to-be, who isn't her husband, and who has only given profane lip-service to the wanting and taking care of this baby IS not a real dad YET. The paternity test will ensure that he can see the baby and that he needs to financially support the baby, but how much of dad he is will depend on him. And none of being a dad requires that the baby share his surname. My children's father would go to the ends of the earth for them even if their last name wasn't his. That's what being a dad is about.
You're the single mother at the birth. You can give that child any last name you want to. If the father had REALLY wanted to be a part of your life and your future children's lives, then he would have treated you with the respect you have always and will always deserve.
Sorry to go on and on. This stuff just really irks me.
Good luck!
Amy
The future is difficult to predict and you never know for sure how things will work out and so do things that make you happy and feel good about.
In regard to your baby's surname, it is somthing that could be with them for many years and therefore needs to be something you are comfortable with. In your situation, I recommend using your surname for the baby. This way, if in the end you have nothing to do with the father, you don't have to explain where they got their surname. Another suggestion is maybe using the fathers last name as the baby's middle name?
Also I recently got married and instead of me changing my last name, my husband took on mine. (I am not sure if this is possible in the US though!)
Hang in there and stay positive. This sort of stress is something you don't need at this time.
All the best, Claire
Good Luck!
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