What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
What should I do?
2
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:51am
I'm 17 weeks pregnant but I'm not sure what the sex is yet and I really want a girl and not a boy, mostly because my boyfriend has a 6 yr old son who is undisciplined and kind of scary...
He's just somewhat out of control. I'm not quit sure how to explain this 6 yr old because I don't want to seem like i'm putting him down, but he has just scared me enough to not want a boy, and i'm just worried that if I do have a boy it will act just like him. Is there anything that I could do about this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2001
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:17pm
of course- I don't think that "problem children" (for lack of a better term right now) are hereditary, though I guess they could be. I think it has as much to do with one's environment and upbringing. What should you do? Make sure that you have some good, age-appropriate discipline tactics. Learn from your BF and the mistakes he's made with his 6 year old son, and don't do the same. Read up on the topic of how to discipline your child. And know that "discipline" has nothing to do with being "strict" or "mean"- actually, I think children that are appropriately disciplined are truly loved. The care and concern for the child flows in a way where the parent and/or caregiver wants to raise a respectable, well-manners child! That's really important. I'm sure there are a number of resources that talk about disciplining with love, TEACHING your children ethics and responsibility, and positive reinforcement. That to me is the way to go.
Good luck!
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Avatar for dr_kae
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:49pm

These problems can be hereditary if the child is either mentally ill or developmenally or learning impaired in some way--ADHD or some forms of autistic can manifest in antisocial behaviour--and these disorders are not completely bound by gender. But I'd say that 90% of the time...even with an ADHD kid...there's a failure to discipline appropriately and consistantly. And like Dancer says, it's hard to do, but it's not about being mean...it's about loving them enough to want to help them live in this world and to do that, you have to help them curb what they want to do with what they need to do. They need to not run away from you in dangerous places (like a crowded store or a street;) they need to not hit others; they need to learn to share without anger and a whole mess of other things that don't often come naturally. And that's the hardest job we have as parents (I have a two year old...) It's way harder than keeping them clean and fed and entertained. And it doesn't always come naturally. My guess is...and I hope this isn't offensive, it's just what I've seen in the lives of my loved ones...that if your BF is splitting custody of his son or trying to do it all on his own, he might have a hard time with discipline or there might be a bit of a tug-of-war going on with the boy in the middle and it comes out in this kid acting scary. (My cousin's son is 11 and drives me bonkers...he's ADHD but has never really known his mother because she ditched on the family by the time he was a year old and my cousin is too big of a kid himself to discipline anyone, so he's got the manners of a six year old.)

Don't panic. Even if you have a boy, it doesn't mean that he's going to be the monster that this other little boy is. He will be yours to raise and yours to watch over--to nurture the positive and help him with the negative. And if something crops up that concerns you, talk to someone who knows about such things--a church counselor, a school administrator, a public health official, and get the help he needs. And if it turns out that whatever is going on with your boyfriend's son is biological, I'd suggest the same for him.

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