Ever feel this way? (marriage)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Ever feel this way? (marriage)
10
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 9:49am

I dont know how much longer I can do this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 10:56am

I have felt that way, it comes and goes. Alot of times I feel like I dont want to do the wife part ;-) but just the mommy part. For us, we are able to work through it (i.e.: I scream and yell and tell him he needs to do more, he does more for 2 days and then I forget about it).

But it seems maybe you guys are a little further into your disconnect. Maybe you might need some counseling to get back in sync. What I wanted to mention was that you should make sure the counselor is one who is going to try to help you get back together, not one who will push you further apart. I guess you could just ask them and say you need help "reconnecting". I dont know, I heard that somewhere to make sure the counselor is in favor of keeping the marriage together.....

Good luck and ((((hug))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 11:22am

Kim-


I would highly suggest marriage counseling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 12:01pm

I don't have any additional advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 12:02pm
We've actually been in counseling before and she helped us greatly.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 12:49pm

Kim you've already received some great advice, and it sounds like you are both amenable to counseling - GOOD! Let me just state the obvious that marriage is hard work AND little babies are VERY hard on relationships. Particularly multiples. Feeling overwhelmed or unsexy or disconnected is a temporary problem that can be solved. Its no small thing, I know, but this is what the hard work is when we say marriage is hard work. Its not the sharing a bathroom or dealing with ILs, its the *emotional* stuff.

I divorced my older kid's dad and I know what effect that had on my kids. I regret saddling my kids with that brand of hurt. Its very difficult to see your kid hurting, especially when you know your actions caused it. I know its not cancer or starvation...

If you had a good relationship once, you can get back there. GL!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 1:54pm

Hey Kim -

DH and I are working through this exact (well not exact but similar) problem right now. Since I got pregnant really I have been all about "the baby" and I really let him go. I pretty much figured we were used to doing our own thing so it wouldn't do anything bad if we did that now. My thing being Sara of course. So we have been going about our "own things" for the whole year Sara has been here and it finally hit me and him pretty much at the same time that we weren't the same couple we were before. We didn't sit and talk, we didn't cuddle or have relations (about 5 times in the year since Sara came) and we just didn't do anything together. I don't even mean have a date night I mean we ate dinner in the same room but that was about it. After Sara went to bed I logged on to the computer or watched TV and he went into his office and did whatever it is he did in his office. So in the 2 weeks since we have had a LONG conversation about this we are trying to spend more time together. We both sat in the living room watching TV on Friday night with our lap tops!! But we were together and we laughed and made comments on the shows. We watched a movie in the basement and made an effort to sit together on the couch. We actually BD TWICE in a 4 day span!! Crazy!! I am not saying this is what you need to do - I think I wanted to give it a try to see if I really WANTED to do it. If I felt like I didn't I would have said we need counseling. But since it is working out so far we will keep working at it this way.

I can not imagine the stress that having 3 little ones at the same time can add to a relationship. I also can't imagine that relationship NOT being affected and changed. I think counseling is a great idea but be sure to give yourself the permission to try to make it work. If you go in with the attitude of "I am doing this because I have to" instead of trying to help the relationship then it won't do you any good. (HUGS)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 3:06pm

Kim -


All the other ladies gave you great advice and I don't have anything really to add.


I just wanted to let you know that having babies (two for us, three for you) is so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting especially that first year. It's not surprising to realize that your relationship has changed in a lot of ways since having children. It also takes work to have a relationship with an adult and there doesn't seem to be much time to do that when you are taking care of babies and working and trying to maintain a home. What I'm trying to say is what you are going through is completely understandable.


I hope you can pursue marriage counseling and figure out how to rebuilt your relationship with your husband again. It sounds like you already have someone to work with which will make it a little bit easier to get some help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 4:19pm

just sending a big hug and say even though it seems terribly tough, you can feel lots better if you really try. i think it's soo common and noone wants to talk about it. so kudos for having the courage to mention it and all the very best to trying to regain some of that best friend feeling with DH.

good luck and thinking of you and your bunch,

Alicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 10:38pm

Kim,


It is hard at the end of the day when all you want to do is crawl into bed and read a magazine and someone else has other ideas. I can't say we have been disconnected, but my sex drive has decreased. I do know that if we are not having regular sex, we aren't getting along as well. Ro started telling me in advance...in the morning...stuff like...tonights the night, honey. A few times a week, so that I could "prepare" myself. mentally, really. He had mentioned a few times that we didn't have enough sex, and i told him that if he wanted more sex, it would have to be right after the kids went down, because at 9:30 when I am getting ready for bed, I am ready to crash. so, perhaps you can set aside a time of day that is better for your energy level. Worked for us. And...just as sleep begets sleep...sex begets sex. the more you do it, you will get back in the groove.

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