Having a hard time seeing that baby at the end

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Having a hard time seeing that baby at the end
17
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:12am

I don't know why but I am having trouble seeing a baby at the end of this pregnancy..I mean I have living children and never did I feel like this with them..I never even gave it a second thought. I am not sure if I just took it all for granted that having a baby was just going to happen for me in the past or my mothers instinct that  just told me back then that everything would be fine, but now after having a couple miscarriages I am changed.I know that pregnancy should not ever be taken for granted and it is not that simple..just because I am pregnant will not mean that I will remain pregnant and at anytime I could have another loss. I feel like it is really hard for me to attach myself to the idea of being pregnant..don't get me wrong..I LOVE the idea but I am just so afraid and can't get past the thought that I could loose this baby too. Is this normal? I still feel heartbroken because of my last loss..maybe I did not give myself time to heal from it I don't know I just wish I could shake this feeling. I think maybe I worry to much and I need to give this to God to handle and stop trying to control everything myself I am just having a really hard time with it. I have a real issue with that..anything I can't control in my own life or body drives me crazy!! I have a 19 month old baby girl who has a seizure disorder..she has had it since she was four weeks old and the fact that I could not help her other than to leave her in the doctors and nurses hands drove me crazy,I just wanted so badly to take it away for her or take her place and I could'nt ..I beat myself up over it and made myself think that it was some how my fault that she has seizures. This is the way I feel now ..I wonder is it my fault I had a miscarriage..did I do something to cause it ..will it happen again and what can I do to stop it from happening. I know am am so sorry for rambling. Maybe I am just to emotional right now and maybe it will get better. Thank you for listening,

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-22-2010

I'm so sorry you are feelin so negative right now. It's so hard at the start of a new pg, you want it so much but then when you get it the fear takes over and suddenly you aren't so sure. Do you have bloods or an u/s arranged?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Sorry :smileysad: can you distract yourself? Maybe by planning a trip or reading an awesome book series or taking up a new hobby? I think the early days are so hard to get thru while our minds are running wild. We have to give those minds something else to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:20am

I had some bloodwork done on monday and I get the results today or tomorrow. My appt is on this next coming monday and I hope they do an U/S then which I think the doc will. You ladies are right I need to find something to distracting and to keep my mind from going crazy on me. I use to run five miles a day ..we know that one is out of the question lol. I did a lot yesterday trying to stay busy. I took my girls to the park and to an indoor play place..that helps during the day but once they go to bed is when the anxiety takes over. Anyone know of any good books to read? Thank you for your support I am very grateful ! I need to think more positive I know ..it is hard :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Yes! I've been reading quite a bit myself. I loved the girl with the dragon tattoo series, the hunger games series, the help, anything by Jennifer weiner, Emily giffin or jodi picoult. Those are my favorite authors :smileyhappy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006

I know it is so hard. I do like the idea of distraction. Do you like the Olympics? They start on Friday and that could be something to get into. A good book is also a great escape. What types of books do you like? I just read 50 Shades of Grey and that was a quick read.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011

Thank you ladies for the book ideas! I like all types of books really..just like my music I never stick to one type lol it drives my hubby crazy! I think I will go to the book store tomorrow ..I have my list you gals gave me! I also do love the Olympics and can't wait to watch :smileyhappy:. I love scrap booking to so I just may have to go get myself some more stuff to do that again. I feel a bit better today this is just such a rollercoaster right now of emotions and I hope that my body evens out a bit soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Yeah I agree finding something to take your mind off of it really helps! I read fifty shades of grey every chance I got and it really did help give me something else to preoccupy my mind. I hope you feel better soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2010
Cherry,

What you are feeling is completely normal on this board. I think it is our defense mechanism that holds our initial excitement and connection to early pregnancy back die to previous losses. I can tell you books got me through my ivf cycle, two week wait, and then into my 7th week. They can be a nice break from reality. I second all the ones Jen listed.
Hang in there.

Andi
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2001

What you are feeling is 100% normal.  It's a bad combo of understable fear and crayz pregnany lady hormones!!!  We have ALL been there.  It's much more frequent at the beginning but I still have those days and I'm 17 weeks.  I think distraction is a great idea!  I'm having a bad day today and trying to play a lot of brain teasers, etc, on my phone to keep my mind busy.  I wish I could offer you good book suggestions but between work and having DD home for the summer I'm too tired to read, lol.  I know it's impossible to relax but try to pamper yourself a little, it's much deserved!
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Jenn (28) & DH Zach (28)
Married 9/24/2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

WOW can I speak to those feelings!!  Unlike most ladies on this list, I completely ignored the first half of my pregnancy.  I couldln't accept that there could be a live baby at the end of a pregnancy.  I took my vitamins but ignored everything and kept up with the rest of my life. 

With the right amount of proding from a few special ladies on here, I finally jumped into appointments and prenatal testing..  I could only take the pregnancy as one milestone at a time.  one goal.  On the very bad emotional days it was just making it to the end of the day.  Could I survive.. could the baby survive until the sun went down or I tucked the kids in?  Yes.. well then.. it was another goal met.  I'd do this over and over again.  Could I make a birthday?  Could I make the holiday season?  My life wasn't about a pregnancy like other **normal** women.. it was a series of goals. 

I had some very hard days around the anniversary of losing our son that I had work through and get support from the ladies to get past them.  That is what we are here for--we've got your back and you don't have to face any of it alone.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier as you get further along--for some it does... everyone is different--but what I can tell you is that with support.. you can survive this and there is absolutely nothing **weird** with what you are feeling.  I couldln't see a baby at the end of it all either. And now he is sleeping snuggled into my shoulder... 

Those were the hardest months of my life... but you can survive them and this group, your support system, and a good OB will get you to the finish line.

(((HUGS)))

Julia

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