Having a hard time seeing that baby at the end

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Having a hard time seeing that baby at the end
17
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:12am

I don't know why but I am having trouble seeing a baby at the end of this pregnancy..I mean I have living children and never did I feel like this with them..I never even gave it a second thought. I am not sure if I just took it all for granted that having a baby was just going to happen for me in the past or my mothers instinct that  just told me back then that everything would be fine, but now after having a couple miscarriages I am changed.I know that pregnancy should not ever be taken for granted and it is not that simple..just because I am pregnant will not mean that I will remain pregnant and at anytime I could have another loss. I feel like it is really hard for me to attach myself to the idea of being pregnant..don't get me wrong..I LOVE the idea but I am just so afraid and can't get past the thought that I could loose this baby too. Is this normal? I still feel heartbroken because of my last loss..maybe I did not give myself time to heal from it I don't know I just wish I could shake this feeling. I think maybe I worry to much and I need to give this to God to handle and stop trying to control everything myself I am just having a really hard time with it. I have a real issue with that..anything I can't control in my own life or body drives me crazy!! I have a 19 month old baby girl who has a seizure disorder..she has had it since she was four weeks old and the fact that I could not help her other than to leave her in the doctors and nurses hands drove me crazy,I just wanted so badly to take it away for her or take her place and I could'nt ..I beat myself up over it and made myself think that it was some how my fault that she has seizures. This is the way I feel now ..I wonder is it my fault I had a miscarriage..did I do something to cause it ..will it happen again and what can I do to stop it from happening. I know am am so sorry for rambling. Maybe I am just to emotional right now and maybe it will get better. Thank you for listening,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 11:08am
Oh my! That is awful! I'm so sorry you had to hear that from your own family member. It's one thing to not understand and not knowing what to say but a whole other to be cruel. I've heard some similar things too. She was probably trying to help you in her own way, but that wasn't a good thing to say. I wish our families could be as supportive as the ladoes here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 12:16am

GRR I have been trying to find the option quick links button to email you just to see if I can do it..another milestone on this board for me..I can't find it lol! I was just wanting to check in. So I just realized you were the one who had your baby not to long ago! Congrats Julia!!! How is baby John ? How is being a mommy?

Thank you for letting me know about the cramping..I feel a bit better about it now. You are right not alot of people know what to say and they do always seem to say the wrong things. My Aunt told me today " I don't know why you are putting yourself through this again Cherry when you know you will just most likely end up with another miscarriage and more doctor bills to pay"! I could'nt even reply to her I was so shocked,hurt and angery at her. I just hung up the phone. I don't understand why people have to say anything at all if they know what they do say is going to hurt. It took me most of the day to settle down after that comment.

Anyway back to the doc Monday I hope to see and hear baby..it makes me all nerves just thinking about it!

Talk to you soon

Cherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

Cherry--

A lot of people have no idea what to say, and unfortunately say all the wrong things trying to be helpful.  This group really does help get you through the ups and downs as well as celebrate all the little goals you reach --because we are all either going through it or have been through it.  It's been a God send, I agree! 

Sorry that you don't have a lot of support there--I didn't have anyone beyond my husband either.  Some tried--but if I tried to talk about it, they would give me advice like, "moving on is best" or "you can always have another".  Not helpful. Sounds like you have a little of that going on too.  (((HUGS)))

To send private messages you can go up to your quick links in the upper right hand corner and go to the private message line.. it will send you to an inbox..  you can send me a message from there.  ALways around to help if you need me.

I always had a lot of cramping in my first trimester.  My OB said a lot of women do, and it means nothing.  A lot of changing and stretching, hormones and adjusting going on.  She was only concerned if there was bleeding or the type of cramping that would double you over kind of pain. 

Looking forward to your updates!

Julia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011

Julia thank you so much! Reading this brought me to tears. I am sorry you had to go through so much and I wish I could have been there for you to support you! I am just that kind of person..I like helping others and being a person they know they can count on. It has been kind of tuff because the only person I have to talk to about this besides this group is my husband and he is wonderful but at time he just dose'nt get it. He wonders why I worry so much when he thinks I just need to try and be happy to be pregnant again. I love him with all my heart and I know he means well but he will just never understand because he did'nt have the miscarriages. I have alot of freinds but none of them thought I should do this again so they just don't want to hear it..again none of them have ever lost a baby and most of my family is the same except my sister-inlaw. She has been through it all miscarriages one after another a stillborn until finally she decided to do adopt an embro (there may be another name for it but I don't know what it's called) anyway this is what she is currently doing, she has twins and is pregnant by adopt an ebmro now. She tries to be there for me but I can almost feel her being kind of upset at the fact that I am pregnant with my blood child..my husband said he got the same vibes from her ,so I find it hard to talk to her just no comfort zone. Anyway so I completely am counting on you ladies for my support right now and I have found comfort in it since you all know what this feels like which I hate..I wish no one to know this feeling but, at least you can offer me advice and comforting words. Then at the same time I feel like I can be there for all of you to.

I have been having alot of cramp like pain since getting pregnant and this kind of bothers me..I am not sure why or what it is. I am not bleeding so that is good. I go in again monday so I guess we will see what my doc tells me. I did call today and talked to someone at the office and they did not seem to worried. I was just told if it gets worse to go to the ER..I hate the thought of that because the last miscarriage I had I went to the ER and waited 5 hours while soaking a pad every half hour in pain and still had to wait so long until finally giving up and returning home..it was a nightmare I don't want to do again.  Oh and not to mention there were pregnant women coming in that were in labor and seeing that I just burst into tears each time . I almost want to say that was the hardest part!

Julia I am still learning the ropes of this site..how do I message you? Again THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! ((BIGGEST HUGS)))

Cherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

Cherry--John is my last baby--no matter what happened with the pregnancy, I knew it would be my last--the odds of uterine rupture were so high this time around that trying again would/could be fatal to both me and my baby.  This pregnancy was it, win or lose.  I went into it like you did, knowing that much as we got started.

It didn't go away for me until I was leaving the hospital with him in my arms--free of IVs, wires, and alarms.  Not everyone feels the way I did, certainly, but for me it was the entire pregnancy before I could accept that there was a truly LIVE baby coming home in my arms.  The only things that kept me sane--and I mean truly not having a nervous breakdown--was coming here, getting very very busy with the rest of my life, and looking at the small goals.  I would get overwhelmed if I tried looking at the pregnancy as a whole. 

It helps if you can hook up with someone that can be a big support beyond the group--- that support person really makes a difference when you have bad days. They are like a life line--  someone who has been in your shoes and can be reassuring when you are facing difficult tests, or just the blues.

I can't wait to see how your pregnancy goes and excited to share the milestones with you!!

You're always welcome to message me--I'd love to help in any way I can!

Julia--Mother of the sleepless baby John:heart:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011

Thank you so much Julia for the great support. This is hard and I know it is for any woman who has lost a baby or has had a miscarriage. I Had some good numbers in which I was so excited about but I know the threat is always there that no matter how good this pregnancy may seem it still is not a for sure thing that I will be able to have this baby to take home..in fact I don't even think I will be comfortable until I give birth to the baby ,the baby has a it's first exam at the hospital, and they send me home with the baby in my arms. I hate that there is no guarantee in this..I agree it is hard to get attached but I so desperately want to I want to enjoy this pregnancy because it will be my last no matter how it ends. I guess all I can do is like you said is get through one day one milestone at a time. I would be so so so lost without you ladies and I truly need you and I feel so blessed to have you!!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!! (((HUGS)))

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

WOW can I speak to those feelings!!  Unlike most ladies on this list, I completely ignored the first half of my pregnancy.  I couldln't accept that there could be a live baby at the end of a pregnancy.  I took my vitamins but ignored everything and kept up with the rest of my life. 

With the right amount of proding from a few special ladies on here, I finally jumped into appointments and prenatal testing..  I could only take the pregnancy as one milestone at a time.  one goal.  On the very bad emotional days it was just making it to the end of the day.  Could I survive.. could the baby survive until the sun went down or I tucked the kids in?  Yes.. well then.. it was another goal met.  I'd do this over and over again.  Could I make a birthday?  Could I make the holiday season?  My life wasn't about a pregnancy like other **normal** women.. it was a series of goals. 

I had some very hard days around the anniversary of losing our son that I had work through and get support from the ladies to get past them.  That is what we are here for--we've got your back and you don't have to face any of it alone.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier as you get further along--for some it does... everyone is different--but what I can tell you is that with support.. you can survive this and there is absolutely nothing **weird** with what you are feeling.  I couldln't see a baby at the end of it all either. And now he is sleeping snuggled into my shoulder... 

Those were the hardest months of my life... but you can survive them and this group, your support system, and a good OB will get you to the finish line.

(((HUGS)))

Julia

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2001

What you are feeling is 100% normal.  It's a bad combo of understable fear and crayz pregnany lady hormones!!!  We have ALL been there.  It's much more frequent at the beginning but I still have those days and I'm 17 weeks.  I think distraction is a great idea!  I'm having a bad day today and trying to play a lot of brain teasers, etc, on my phone to keep my mind busy.  I wish I could offer you good book suggestions but between work and having DD home for the summer I'm too tired to read, lol.  I know it's impossible to relax but try to pamper yourself a little, it's much deserved!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2010
Cherry,

What you are feeling is completely normal on this board. I think it is our defense mechanism that holds our initial excitement and connection to early pregnancy back die to previous losses. I can tell you books got me through my ivf cycle, two week wait, and then into my 7th week. They can be a nice break from reality. I second all the ones Jen listed.
Hang in there.

Andi
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Yeah I agree finding something to take your mind off of it really helps! I read fifty shades of grey every chance I got and it really did help give me something else to preoccupy my mind. I hope you feel better soon!

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