'telling people' (how?) - - after so many losses (& 'only losses' for me)

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Registered: 04-05-2011
'telling people' (how?) - - after so many losses (& 'only losses' for me)
18
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 3:39pm

ok, so i have a question... this is something i need to start thinking about, although we will wait as long as we can before 'telling people' for a number of reasons... i'm sure i don't have to explain that in great detail here.

i have told a few people who i knew would have kind, compassionate, loving and optimistic responses. i have been right UNTIL today when i told an old friend / past coworker. she knows about my history and her response was what i 'expect' will be the response we will be most often met with... from (close) friends and family who have witnessed our going through so many (and only) losses over the last 8 years.

- they will think we are crazy (why would we risk it after so many losses AND my age)... truth is, we were trying to avoid pregnancy for these very reasons, but looks like God had other plans. we are embracing them and feeling blessed / grateful, but taking it day by day.

- they will automatically 'assume the worst'... that EVEN THOUGH i have made it past any of my other pregnancies, that CERTAINLY this will be 'like the others'... is this necessary for them to think like this and THEN communicate it... certainly, they won't say that 'directly', but believe me, the indirect communications (beating around the bush) all but communicate these thoughts.

i could elaborate further, but you get the general idea.

here is what i want to know... have you all been in this same place before? if so, how did you handle it / tell people?

if your 'news' was met with a negative / unfavorable response, how then did you respond to THAT.

i want to be able to 'direct' people's responses, basically, if at all possible. i want to set it up / present it where they will FEEL lead to / WANT to provide positive feedback. however, i don't want to present our pregnancy as a 'bed of roses' either, like i am approaching it with a blind naiveness. however, i do want to approach it in a balanced way with the most positive outlook that i can. i want people to share that.

sadly, at this point my fear of dealing with how to tell people (but mainly dealing with their probable responses) are more of a concern to me than anything. i am feeling relatively calm and hopeful about my pregnancy now. i'm just trying to take it day by day and believing God will be with me, regardless.

i would welcome your thoughts / experiences in how to deal with 'telling people'... again, we will wait as long as we can before telling people... how long do you think someone can wait? (;

- susan

five 1st trimester losses: 8/03: missed M/C (baby died at 10 wks, diag @ 11 wks, D&C).....10/04: etopic preg (D&C, mxt shot, lapriscopic surgery, damaged/closed tube)..... 6/07: Blighted Ovum (D&C 7/07 for incomplete M/C)..... 10/07: missed M/C (baby d

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006

With my first pregnancy (DD), we told our family and friends at 8 weeks.

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Registered: 04-05-2011

thanks aubre - actually, the last few pregnancies have been met with silence on the part of close family and friends. after a couple of losses (and no successes) they really don't know how to respond. also, in communicating to these same people about subsequent losses, you could tell they just DREADED hearing it... they wish we had not said a word, it was obvious. there was no real support in helping us grieve. most folks, and even my mother would choose to simply brush it under the rug... IMMEDIATELY.

i find myself in an awkward place. today, when i received the first WEIRD (negative) response from a 'friend' it was then that i thought, yep, this is why we are still not wanting to tell people... EVEN our families. this makes me sad. we may tell them at 14 weeks... or 16...or even 20 if i can manage to hide it for that long.

i'm happy to hear that you have a circle of kind and supportive friends and family with regards to your pregnancies and losses. quite the contrary here, for some odd reason.

knowing that even some of my friends actual responses when i told them of pregnancy #3 or #4 would simply say (in horror) "OH NO!"... pretty nice, huh? so, knowing this, makes me not want to even share the news with most of them, but i will have to at some point.

i have CAREFULLY told the friends that i KNEW would be supportive. so far, all of my choices have been good... until today, but then that just caused me to realize, i will be met with similar reponses from MOST of our friends and family, i fear.

wish it weren't so.

we are both very happy about the surprise pregnancy and are hopeful that we will meet this baby in this lifetime. however, stil, day by day.

- susan

five 1st trimester losses: 8/03: missed M/C (baby died at 10 wks, diag @ 11 wks, D&C).....10/04: etopic preg (D&C, mxt shot, lapriscopic surgery, damaged/closed tube)..... 6/07: Blighted Ovum (D&C 7/07 for incomplete M/C)..... 10/07: missed M/C (baby d
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006

I had no idea what you were dealing with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2011

not sure how husband's family will react, but i expect it will be more positive than what i'm sure will be my parent's reaction.

my mother said, specifically, & immediately after our 2nd loss "your father and i sure hope that you and husband aren't PLANNING on having any children, because we fear we would have to share in the financial responsibility of taking care of you and your family". wow.

my father makes a good living. my mother has never worked. i have always worked. my husband doesn't make NEAR what my father does. my father was the highest graduate in his class and an engineer... he has had a very successful career. both my husband and i have college degrees. my husband is a hard worker, but not particularly driven to 'advance' his career. i have my own design business as a contractor and am currently doing very well, however, our lifestyle is not what my parents' is. they have a large primary home, a vacation home, sports cars... mom still doesn't work... so hearing her tell me such things make me want to vomit. it is very upsetting to me. she seems SO self-absorbed. these are the reasons (along WITH the previous losses and my age) that the 'news' will be met with disappointment.

interestingly, they have encouraged pregnancy with my sister even though it appears that they are much more fond of my husband than hers... and they encourage her pregnancies simply due to her husband's earning potential, period..... however, he has been out of work for months now after a lay off, and my sister, like my mother, is a full time housewife / mother.

it just stings to have always wanted children, to have experienced such a level of loss, to THEN have parent's wish you never to have children and TELL you so, and for both of us (me / husband) to work so hard (jobs)... for all of this to not be considered. seems so selfish on their part to even SAY something so insensitive to me, also considering the pain of the losses and what i had accepted would be lifetime childlessness. so, interesting dynamics here.

my friends will just feel horrified... for fear that i will 'certainly' face loss YET AGAIN... without even considering this time is already different.

thanks so much for your responses. i appreciate them greatly.

- susan

five 1st trimester losses: 8/03: missed M/C (baby died at 10 wks, diag @ 11 wks, D&C).....10/04: etopic preg (D&C, mxt shot, lapriscopic surgery, damaged/closed tube)..... 6/07: Blighted Ovum (D&C 7/07 for incomplete M/C)..... 10/07: missed M/C (baby d
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Wow, Susan. I'm so sorry that you have to worry about this on top of the much more pressing worry of just carrying your baby to term. I think I'd wait until 20 weeks if I had a family like that. Then if my mom made some remark about having to take care of my baby I'd kindly reply that DH and I both have a steady financial situation and that's not her concern. But you'd welcome her positive encouragement. Maybe at 20 weeks they will realize that this baby is really coming, and some of the concern about loss will have dwindled.
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Registered: 04-13-2010
If I were you, I just wouldn't share my good news with them. Let them figure it out when they see you, or when they see you and baby.

For me, we've had 3 losses (2 in the 1st trimester, and one in the 3rd trimester) and have no children either. I wanted to wait to tell this time until people could tell I was pregnant - which would have likely been like 8 months, I'm a big girl to start and with my last pregnancy, I didn't even have a little belly until 6 months and nothing big until around 8, so I was just going to wait until someone said "are you gaining weight or are you pregnant" But dh had other ideas and outed us on fb very quickly, so everyone knows. The difference is that my friends and family are very supportive, like I said, if I were you or if I were dealing with everything you're dealing with, then I would not say a word to them.


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Registered: 05-13-2007

Susan I know what you mean. It that much harder for us AMA because people tend to be rude about it. I had 7m/c between my youngest son (9 3/4yo) and this baby. Very few know of this and most just assumed we were done and did not want more. I got a lot of crap when I announce because people took it as an oooops baby. Many just thought we were crazy to want to start over again if I declared how excited we were. Then there were those that I shared our history with that thought I was crazy for still trying. Plus I got people that were shocked that I had refused all genetic testing on the baby.

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thanks for the feedback. the more i think about it, the more i feel content keeping this our little secret. we don't have to worry about others' responses or how to deal with them. it just keeps things SIMPLE and less stressful.

i do feel it is unfortunate that our history, age and other factors (with regards to parents' feelings) are in the mix. just feels so complicated to think about all of that... in not telling others / them, we can keep relatively calm, which is good.

i think i'll be able to hide it for at least another month. i had lost 25 pounds between july and november and had really been working on getting back into shape after years of neglect (stemming from pregnancy-losses depression), so they will think i've just 'fallen off the wagon'... and stopped exercising and eating more. ha ha ha. unfortunately, doctors told me NOT to exercise AT ALL... and NO sex with this pregnancy (so far). so, i do feel a bit more like a 'blob' right now. ick.

my sister does know and has know for a while. she is just EAGER for me to spread the news. too bad. i'm not her. she also has my parent's blessing on having children... i don't. so, she will just have to suck it up and keep the secret with me for as long as i need / want her to.

it has been nice to tell some (few) friends who i know will be supportive and kind. unfortunately, they are not the majority.

i wish people had more compasion / kindness when it comes to responding to this type of thing... with folks like us... but truly, they really just don't have a clue, i've come to believe.

hugs and thanks to you all - susan

five 1st trimester losses: 8/03: missed M/C (baby died at 10 wks, diag @ 11 wks, D&C).....10/04: etopic preg (D&C, mxt shot, lapriscopic surgery, damaged/closed tube)..... 6/07: Blighted Ovum (D&C 7/07 for incomplete M/C)..... 10/07: missed M/C (baby d
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Registered: 06-19-2008
HI Susan,
I don't even post on this board, but I lurk! I am always over at the TTC over 40 board (I just turned 43). We have one son and have been TTC #2 for a year now (I had our first son at 41). I've been reading your posts and praying for you / rooting for you. I just want to say how happy I am for you that things are going well..you have been through the ringer, to say the least. And I also want to add how criticial it is for you to surround yourself with positive people right now. And if that means hiding it from some, then maybe that's what you need to do for the time being. You just need to surround yourself with people who will lift you up and support you right now!

:-) Brandy, 42 yrs. old


Mom of a fifteen n month old precious little boy, conceived in Aug. 08 on our second IUI attempt (C

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Registered: 04-05-2011

brandy - thank you for you very dear response. it means a lot to me. xo!!!

five 1st trimester losses: 8/03: missed M/C (baby died at 10 wks, diag @ 11 wks, D&C).....10/04: etopic preg (D&C, mxt shot, lapriscopic surgery, damaged/closed tube)..... 6/07: Blighted Ovum (D&C 7/07 for incomplete M/C)..... 10/07: missed M/C (baby d

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