How did you know it was time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
How did you know it was time?
5
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 10:51am

Hi everyone, my name is Linda. I have three beautiful children: Lydia (who is seven and had a heart transplant two years ago), Tobias (who is five), and Sarah (who is two and a half). On December 10th I had a D&C for the baby I lost. I would have been 12 weeks, but u/s showed the baby died at 8 weeks. It was terrible timing as my oldest daughter was in the hospital with an infection and suspected post-transplant cancer (a surgical biopsy showed no cancer, yay!). She is home now and we are all adjusting back to normal life. My son has been dealing with some anger issues over the abandoment (we had to leave them with family for a good part of the time we spent with our daughter in the hospital) and my youngest has been a bit clingy but otherwise everything seems to be settling back into a normal rythm. Now that the adrenaline is gone I'm feeling the loss more keenly. I'm also noticing this huge sadness that I'm not pregnant anymore. It's more than the loss of baby River, it's the fact that there's now no baby to look forward to and plan for. I have boxes of beautiful wool clothing and newborn cloth diapers sitting in the bedroom and every morning I wake up I get so sad when I realize I'm no longer pregnant. I guess my question is, when did you know it was time to try again? I am afraid to have another loss but the fear is strongly overshadowed by a very strong desire to get pregnant again. My husband is not sure when he'll be ready and I've avoided the subject with him because I can't bear to have my heart crushed. I talked to a family counselor on the phone yesterday (it wasn't very helpful in general, she was mostly just listening to our story and affirming what we were doing already) and she said the psych recommendation was to wait a YEAR. I just about started crying and ended the conversation quickly. I've been so depressed ever since... She also made me feel guilty for even considering it because of my children and their needs. I don't know... Maybe I am just being selfish. But the thought of waiting that long makes me feel so depressed. :(
So yeah, when did you know it was time? Thanks ladies!! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2010
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 2:05pm

So sorry for your loss. For us it was our first time being pregnant and we were so excited to be parents. At 8 weeks I started spotting and we found out the baby died at 5 weeks. I took a few days to just be sad and then when I saw my doctor again and he said we could try whenever we were ready. DH and I talked and both agreed we would start right away.

I know it might be hard to hear what your DH has to say but I think you both need to hear each other out and try to come to an agreement. He's probably worried about you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 3:05pm

I lost my angel at 20 weeks last January. The baby was too big for a D&C, so I delivered him. I knew in the hospital that I wanted to ttc as soon as it was safe to. My OB assured me that it would be safe to try as soon as I'd stopped bleeding, but that I'd get the best results if I waited till my cycle was normal again. It took a long time to get regular again, things were off or weird and unpredictable until September. I found out in Dec I'm pregnant again. I'm scared for sure, no doubts about that, but also am trying hard to remain positive and remind myself this is a completely different pregnancy. Finding a good supportive OB will be really helpful for you as well. Mine is wonderful, and the same OB I had with the last pregnancy. When he delivered our angel, he was crying and hugging along with the rest of my family in the delivery room. He sees the loss as an individual loss and hardship for our family, not as a medical fact of life. My opinion of your individual situation is that unless there are medical issues, or diagnosed mental problems with grief and loss that have been diagnosed, it's probably best for you to make the decision of when to try again with your husband. Also, unless the family counselor is somebody who has been dealing with your family for a while, it would be very difficult for them to be able to really say what would be best for your family. Most likely if this was not a person you've dealt with before personally, they were probably just telling you the general time period that people they've had experience with have had to wait to be mentally ready to try again. This has ended up longer than I'd planned, but I hope it's been at least somewhat helpful for you.

 

Jodi

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2011
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 10:06am
we lost our first at about 6.5 weeks. we'd been trying for 4 months when we got pregnant, so it was a loss of the baby plus the loss of everything we'd been trying for and hoping for. we grieved, but like babyaholic, we decided to try again right away. it took us another 9 months before getting pregnant again. best of luck to you on getting through everything going on with your kids and finding the timing that's right for you and your family.

Diane

Expecting #1 (a boy!) on January 16, 2013

Avatar for wannabemommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 11:49am

Linda, i'm so sorry for your loss. After my miscarriage we started TTC as soon as the bleeding let up. It's really your own personal preference and whenever you feel ready physically and emotionally. If you'd like, please join us over on TTC after miscarriage. http://www.ivillage.com/forums/forum/18869

Private message me if you'd like to join our TTCAM facebook group :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 6:44pm

Thank you ladies for your words of support! It really means a lot hearing it from you who know what you are talking about.

Nicolle, I will check out your group and when we are ready to TTC I'm sure I'll see you there. :)

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