One year ago today...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
One year ago today...
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 4:31am

One year ago today I found out that our baby wasn't to be. It took another week for the miscarriage to actually happen. I'm so sad about that baby, but I feel disloyal to this baby for being so sad. Lacey couldn't have happened if I hadn't lost that baby.

My mom went through the same thing- and I never understood until now about how she really felt regarding her loss. She always told me that she was sad about the baby she lost, but then she'd never have had me and that she wouldn't trade me for the world (a great mom, right?). It's such a strange place to be...

Regardless of how much I'm looking forward to Lacey's arrival, I just can't stop crying. I just wish none of us ever had to go through any of this, that we didn't have to deal with anxiety during what should be the happiest times, that we could enjoy this pregnancy without feeling disloyal to the ones we lost, that we could mourn our previous loss without feeling disloyal to this pregnancy.

Sorry for the ramble...


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2001
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 10:09am

I'm so sorry Courtney.  I know that having anniversaries come up during pregnancy must be impossible to deal with.  My baby's due date is coming at the end of the month and I'm not sure yet how I will take it.  You are in no way being disloyal to Lacey by missing your angel.  Would it be disloyal to miss one parent when you loose the other?  Of course not.  Lacey and your angel are both your children and you love them both and they both deserve the same love.  I'm sure if someday you share your losses with Lacey as an adult she will know that mourning your loss takes nothing away from loving her. (((HUGS)))

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Jenn (28) & DH Zach (28)
Married 9/24/2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 1:32pm

Thinkin about you *hugs*


the baby countdown

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 10:55am

(((COURTNEY)))  Anniversaries are the worst!  I felt disloyal to our stillborn son on the anniversary of his death as I was pregnant with his brother.  Absolutely! 

I came to an understanding in my own way... it works for me but may not work for anyone else...  I am a Mother to all my children... earthbound or heavenbound.  My son was meant to do something--he was given to me for a reason--and taken for reasons I may not agree with or come close to understanding right now.. but I do believe there is some kind of reason or plan to things.  I will get to be a Mother to him... just not right now.  Our time is delayed...  not taken away forever. Our angel son has changed my life in so many ways.  His life has/had meaning--and I believe it still does. 

I believe our angel son was watching over us --we were so close to losing everything this pregnancy with uterine rupture--he was our guardian angel.  I believe that with all my heart.  He isn't gone--he's with me and lets me know every once in awhile in some little way that he is still with me. 

That is how I came to deal with the feelings of being disloyal.  I celebrate my babies--all of them--and know I have a whole new experience getting to know my angel babies coming up in my life some day. 

Yep, not exactly what everyone believes--but it's what I believe...    (((HUGS)))  You'll be in my prayers...  anniversaries are difficult beyond words...  wish I could do more to help:heart:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2009
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 1:00am
Hugs.. It's so hard I think that way every angelversary

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 3:39pm

I know, it sucks!  :smileysad:

I don'teven feel I could be excited, if I got pg. again?!

hugs for you, Court!  :heart:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend