20, single & pregnant :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
20, single & pregnant :(
8
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 1:49am
Hi,
So, I'm 20 years old and pregnant. To begin with this isn't where I wanted my life to be right now. But surprise, surprise. I'm 16 weeks along and he decided yesterday that "maybe were better off not seeing each other for awhile". What the **** does that mean?!? How could you do this to me now. We decided to keep it together. We both made that decision. He is 21, has no job, no career, no goals, no dreams... NOTHING! I have dreams for him, maybe thats where the problem started. I am a big dreamer. I pushed him to get a job, even filled out the applications. The day they are suppose to call him and tell him weather he got it or not he went MIA, which is not new for him. He does it like every other month or so. Also, his car was broken down and he got his taxes the same day and he owes me money. So we fall asleep the night b4 and he say i love you good night, you'll sleep at my place tm. The next day comes, he gets his taxes, no calls, he wont answer his phone or the texts i'm sending him. this went on all day. I cried myself to sleep. He had done the same thing about 3 weeks prior but i forgave him. Now after calling his phone a million times he picks up finally at 6p.m. the next day! When I asked what happened or where were you all i got is why, out.. blah blah blah. No real answers, All i hear is lies. Then tells me that maybe were better off not together. I cry, we hang up the phone now its teh next day 2am in the morning and he ignored 3 phone calls and 2 texts today. I wrote him a long message on facebook (bc he wnt answer my calls) saying that its really sad that he is doing this to me and that I hope he realizes his consequences. He said on teh phone he wants to my doctors apt. coming up this week. But I dont want him there, not if he cant even pick up the phone for me all week. Where is this coming from? Why is he treating me like this? We werent fighting, besides me nagging here and there about a job and money. Maybe i reminded him to much where he needed to spend his money and how much he had to save. Maybe he feels like this isnt my business, but how when everytime he has ANY money its gone by that night and he goes MIA. I feel like I have teh right to say something with your kid on the way.. Or maybe he just doesnt love me, or isnt in love with me anymore? I am so lost and he doesnt give me any answers and now i feel abandoned and angry. I have a feeling hes gunna wanna get back together eventually and i dont know if i have it in me to forgive him for this. I dont deserve this. any opinions? I really need them! And p.s. all my friends are telling me im better off wiht out him but I just dont feel this way. Even though I feel like I cant forgive him I want him here so badly!! I just want him to WANT to be here on his own!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 1:04pm
I completely understand your situation. My ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. He started acting odd with me and not wanting me to hang out with him and his friends. We found out we were expecting when I was 5 weeks pregnant and he broke up with me when I turned 8 weeks. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant. He says he wants to be there for the baby and he calls to see how the baby is doing, but sometimes I wish he wouldn't call. He makes me very depressed. I don't understand why he's doing this to me... I was nothing but good to him. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 8:40pm
Hi! first off congrats!! hope everything is going well with your baby. I'm in a similar situation as you..my boyfriend and I split when we found out I was pregnant, tried things out for a bit but when i was about 3 months things didn't work out and he took a turn for the worst..he actually doesn't seem interested in his baby at all and we hardly ever talk. I'm now about 6 months and nothings seems to be getting better with him. For you and your baby's father, I think that it may just be best that you two aren't together right now. When you say you can't forgive him, but still miss him, that's exactly how i feel too sweety! it's like these to opposite emotions pulling at you and its soo freakin frustrating!! But right now I handle that by, well not! lol I'm trying to think about what's best for me and my baby, trying to stay happy and be around those who make me happy, because that's the healthiest thing for my baby right now. And as much as I wish things could work out between the father and I, I know that being with him would be like having two babies around all the time and that's just more difficult to deal with. I think that maybe you should do the same? You have every right to talk about everything with him when it comes to the baby!! It's his too He's obviously immature, and for guys you have to realize they don't have baby with them all day, so they don't get the connection we do, and until baby gets here it may be hard for him to understand what it means to have a baby, and sometimes that's not enough either..but he sounds like he may be scared, out of a job, no money, he's probably real scared! I say that you do what you have to for baby, if he wants to be here for the baby then deal with that because baby will need his/her father more than anything. You should concentrate on that and maybe relationship issues with the guy at a better time? unless of course he comes around..which we all hope for!! I hope this helps you out..message me if you want to talk!! goodluck with everything :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 1:00am
I COMPLETELY understand, my ex was sorta the same way. At 4 1/2 mo he went out with his friends one night and the next day he was done.. said he needed space and within a few days had a new girl. Now we don't talk, she had him change his number. So at 6months I am doing it alone. Its hard you spend alot of time crying, thinking and being upset. You feel like someone left you when you needed them the most. Its easy for people to say don't worry, you don't need him. But they don't undersatnd how emotionally hard it is to do alone. You will get through this, we all will. In the end you will have a beautiful baby and you probably won't even care about all you had gone through. But that feels like a long way off. I just try and get through each day, hour by hour. I try and think about things that make me smile, or when I feel really sad I buy baby clothes that say I <3 Mom. Cuz in the end you will be the light of your baby's life and you will be the one raising it. Hang in there and keep your head up. Know that you aren't alone and that we understand how hard it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2010
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 12:50am
I totally get how you feel... I'm 19 and pregnant and me and my now ex bf split THE DAY before I found out I was pregnant. I wait for the day I meet a guy who isn't selfish and unempathetic. On the upside! The way I see it, is that if they don;t want to be in the baby's life they shouldn't be. That baby needs people who love him or her and love the fact that they are there. Any fool can make a baby, it takes a man to raise a child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 9:28am

Hello my dear..congrats first off. I know its hard most of the women on here in some way have the same type of situation including me. It will be hard...it becomes harder when your suppose to have birthing classes or thinking of the day you give birth and even though u despise someone it would of been nice if they were there.
One thing I learned is if a man cannot be there when you need him most he will never be there when you need him. Now there is another innocent life involved who doesnt derserve to be treated how u have by the same person. break the cycle. In my psych class we learned someone abandoning you is like someone dying..it is a loss. There are stages : Hurt :anger:acceptance .
You think maybe they will change once the baby is here. No they will not. They call or text throughout the pregnancy for their own guilty conscience but still selfishly are not truly there.
Its the hardest thing to do..but u have to forgive. Dont let him have that power over you. The power of making u depressed and thinking of him all the time. He is obviously not thinking of you or the baby so dont let him steal ur energy.
Once u can forgive and let go you will feel better. I finally had to do that. I told my ex you are more than welcome to see your son...but if you are not there for the birth you will never see him at all. you leave that door open that way you did everything you could and they cant say "oh she told me to stay away". Trust me most will not be there. You end on a good note with them leaving them feeling more guilty than ever..thats the greatest revenge. You tell them :
"Yes what you have done has hurt me in a way you will never understand....but at one time i loved you and cared about you. and out of that love we created something great. The greatest gift I have ever received. I will be ok because i am a strong woman and a beautiful woman and I will provide for this baby the best life I can. But you, you will not have a good life. You cannot treat someone the way you have and have a good life. I wish you the best of luck."

and for sure they will be like wtf? and try to text or call back saying nonsense..possibly to make u mad..to take you off ur game. but dont respond. once u stop responding is the day you have grown and become a stronger woman.

I wish you the best of luck my dear and when u need to cry ..cry..get it out...if you werent upset by wut happened you wouldnt be human. *hugz*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 2:27am
You know its weird how alot of us are going through the same problems. I guess that just goes to show that guys are irresponsible and us women are the only ons that know what to do or think in a time of need like a pregnancy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 1:25pm
I know how you feel, I have lived it for six years. I have gone through the same issues with my soon to be ex husband and I feel as though I have wasted six years of my life. We have a gorgeous three year old daughter and a baby on the way and he still can't get it together. I have fought to try to help him, feeling sorry for his bad childhood and put up with so much but there comes a day when you have to realize they will never change or grow up, my ex is 27 and acts like a teenager. It got really bad, he would spend our rent money at the bar and stay out all night and I would have to call off of work because he wasn't there to watch our daughter. These type of men will do nothing but bring you down, and they know how to play with your emotions. I would be separated from him and doing great and he would find a way to weasel his way back and really it is no ones fault but my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 6:02pm
Hello My best friend had the same situation. I know thats it is not going quite well. I stand behind my best friend back so I know some about your situation. I dont wanna talk about this here, if you wanna talk write me at my e-mail : arolra@o2.pl . I can tell about best way to do(that she chose).