28, engaged, and wanting a baby NOW
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|Sun, 03-21-2010 - 8:14pm|
I am 28.. I feel silly because I read all of these postings of poor women in awful situations.. scared and not sure of where to go. Thing is.. I am IN a relationship. He is 27 and developed Chron's. I am afraid I will never have a baby. I have been told it will be hard for me anyway. You know that thing about that clock ticking? IT'S TRUE!
I smell them, see them, WANT them! I just want one and I don't know why it is so string inside of me. Part of me KNOWS I should wait because.. What if my fiance is always going to keep us pay check to pay check. That is why we haven't sealed the deal. We want him ti be better.. BUT I want to make sure he can take care of me.. MY BABY. If .. I have one. I don't doubt our relationship but I am afraid I won't have support. Right now, I am taking care of both of us... A baby?? But, then I think selfishly, I don't care about it him .. how dare he get in the way of what is natural.. what I want so badly. I am TORN. I am tired of waiting, I will be 29. In 2 months and I am very small. The longer I wait.. the greater risk of complications right? Also, I have been told it will be hard for me.. my mother had to take fertility drugs to get me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO... Do I sit here, breadwinner, in this lonely apt (yes not even a HOUSE!) and just shell out $ to my fiance- who still smokes and buys pain pills b/c he hurts so much.. instead of seeing a pain Dr... DRAINING my account.. or do I plan my baby... and he can get it together and stay and suport (yes I know he is sick). Or, do I get pregnant (if possible) and walk and see if he grows and follows? Or do I do NOTHING at all... I feel sick and sad. I don't know if I fit in here, I just don't know who else to turn to.. everyone I know would tell me I am crazy. *sigh* I see my child in my dreams. I hate this. WHAT is wrong with me??!! Am I being non compassionate who to the man who loves me more than I will ever know... am I being unfair? AM I CRAZY? Please help...